ACME

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about ACME.

ACME™ is a market pioneer in many areas of consumer needs. Providing both manufactured quality products as well as tailored services, ACME™ has become the unrivalled leader of household names. And we’re proud of that!

Recent leaks from Whitehall suggest that Tony Blair sees an opportunity for Public Infrastructure Projects to be handled as PPP's jointly with Acme and is planning to put John Prescott in charge.

Products[edit]

ACME™ hosts a wide range of incredible products for those moments in life when you say "Gee whiz, ma, I could sure do with one of those right about now". Whether you’re hunting, hunted, attempting to achieve world domination or simply trying to get a life away from your computer, ACME™ is bound to have what you need!

Range[edit]

Look at that ACME™ Rocket Powered Rollerskating fly-boy go!
  • ACME™ Anvil Hot item!
  • ACME™ Anti-Nightmare Machine
  • ACME™ Atomic Re-Arranger
  • ACME™ Axel Grease Hot item!
  • ACME™ Bedsprings Hot item!
  • ACME™ Completely Useful Item
  • ACME™ Detonator
  • ACME™ Disintegration Pistol
  • ACME™ Double Steak Knife Protractor
  • ACME™ Earthquake Pills
  • ACME™ Flypaper
  • ACME™ Future Push Button Home Of Tomorrow Household Appliance Co. Inc Hot item!
  • ACME™ Giant Rubber Band
  • ACME™ Grue Repellant
  • ACME™ Inflatable Air
  • ACME™ Instant Girl
  • ACME™ Jet Motor
  • ACME™ Jet Propelled Pogo Stick
  • ACME™ Jet Propelled Unicycle
  • ACME™ Invisible Paint Hot item!
  • ACME™ Iron Bird Seed
  • ACME™ High Powered Magnet
  • ACME™ Holes in a Box
  • ACME™ Inexplicable Utility Road Diggers
  • ACME™ Machine That Spits Out Cash; You Just Have To Press These Two Buttons
  • ACME™ Oil
  • ACME™ Paper Clips
  • ACME™ Rocket Powered Roller Skates Hot item!
  • ACME™ Rocket Skis
  • ACME™ Rocket Sled
  • ACME™ Rocket Bigger Rocket
  • ACME™ Rocket Bigger Rocket
  • ACME™ Rocket Trains and Railway Infrastructure Projects
  • ACME™ Schools and Hospitals; DIY Operation Specialists
  • ACME™ Shrinking Machine
  • ACME™ Super Speed Vitamins
  • ACME™ Strait-Jacket Ejecting Bazooka
  • ACME™ Time Machine
  • ACME™ Trick Balls
  • ACME™ Ultimatum Dispatcher
  • ACME™ "Vitamins"
  • ACME™ Web-Shooting Fingers
  • And many, many more![1]


Product Safety[edit]

ACME™ products have the world’s lowest fatality-rates after they’re sold!

ACME™ insists on high consumer-safety standards. At ACME™ Test Laboratory a team semi-trained scientists uses state of the art technology to put each product through a rigorous testing-procedure. This, we believe, is the only way to insure costumers don’t die. And for you hippy tree-huggers out there: ACME™ does not condone testing on animals!

Speedy Delivery[edit]

Perhaps this is one of ACME™'s most amazing features. We know that when you order something from us, you need it straight away. That’s why we've created ACME™ Wormhole Delivery. Defying the space-time continuum, our delivery-staff travels along these mazes of the universe to where you’re at. And that’s how we can safely guarantee delivery in 5 seconds or less! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Return Policy[edit]

While we do stand by our products, we cannot guarantee that they'll ALL work properly. Any number of reasons ranging from faulty construction equipment to pissing all over the box before shipping can contribute to a spring that won't spring or a stick of dynamite that just won't blow up until it's too late. ACME does however have a return policy that makes Best Buy's look like it was created by communists. If a product ever fails, bring it back and we'll give you "store credit" to purchase another one of our fabulous products.

Services[edit]

Next to the trusty products, ACME™ offers a large selection of various services. Sometimes we even use people without a rap sheet! There’s not a pickle you can work yourself into that ACME can’t help you out of.

Range[edit]

  • ACME™ Animal Delivery Service;
  • ACME™ Baby Sitting Service
  • ACME™ Building & Wrecking Co. Inc.
  • ACME™ Cleaners & Dryers;
  • ACME™ Moving Service
  • ACME™ Pest Control
  • ACME™ School Of Mouse Catching
  • ACME™ Theatrical Agency
  • ACME™ Travel Agency

Professionals[edit]

All our employees have successfully graduated from ACME™ University, making them the most qualified professionals for the job. And despite a number of attempts, no government can tell us otherwise. For we believe that if you can’t trust ACME™, you can’t trust anyone.