Warning: This article is a collection of writers notes in the hunt to write the best story ever. It contains very top secret and professional methods in which copying or stealing may result in your gonads being torn off by a honey badger. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Day One - Praising of personal career
Today I begin my journey in writing the best story ever.
I've never written stories before I won a Nobel piece prize for my story writing last year, so writing the best story ever shouldn't be too hard. Going to play with my Wii while I think of ideas. My hands get wet. This is one realistic games console. I lose interest after fifteen minutes and fall asleep in a pool of liquid on my bed.
Day Two - Genius in a bottle!
- I woke up in a pool of liquid on my bed. I come to the conclusion that I had a great night out on the piss, but check my notes to realise the opposite is true. But it did involve piss.
- I've had a sudden brainwave! Got something down for my story. Here it is:
Haven't got anything else. But for the moment will sit and admire the genius of it so far. For Dinner I will have Alphabet soup. It'll help me think of what letters to write when I can't think straight.
Day Three - The Argument
My thinking is bent. I cannot seem to put pen to paper. They must have argued when I put them both down on my bed. They don't like being held together for too long, because pen can have a hissy fit and refuses to work and paper decides to collect etchings. Stupid paper. If paper was inanimate, it would be a brush; thick as a brush. I'm now going to sit outside in the pouring rain for 10 hours to find my mojo jojo.
Pen has dried up because I didn't put the lid onPen is having a tantrum. Demands to be put away or else he'll go on strike. His efforts will be pointless, I have nothing worthy of striking out.
- Went back inside feeling very wet. I think it's because need a shower. I'm going to have a shower and then sit in my bedroom
staring at my nude women collage made from clippings from newspapers and mums clothing cataloguewriting very very hardly. I couldn't think of any good ideasa fog descended in the room, so therefore was unable to write.
- I managed to scribble down something. It goes like this:
- "On a plane knot far from ear, lies a big jobby K? called Symsone W X Y"
It needs more work. But having alphabet soup for Dinner yesterday has clearly helped. I'm going to go and play on Forza Motorsport now and have a break from all the writing I've done.
Day Four - Copyrightness
Note to self: Must copyright notes when complete. Also, don't upload complete stories to internet allowing hacks to steal work. Don't want to risk what happened with Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings.
- I need names for my characters. Oh yeah, I can use the old technique that everybody's been using ever since I came up with it; 'Write what you see'. Okay, here goes...
- "Out of the draw-like house came Mr. Spoon. He waved hellow to Mrs. Cheezegrater as Mum prepared tea… I mean Mrs. Cheesegrater stroked Mr. Cheese, who was upset about something or other..."
- Mum: Johnny, what are you doing love?
- Johnny: Shut up bitch you’re ruining my story!
Shit, what word can I used instead of stroked? Seriously. Mr.Cheeze is obviously upset about something or other. He needs consoling or something. Oh that's it... councilling.
- "Out of the draw-like house came Mr. Spoon. He waved hellow to Mrs. Cheesegrater as Mum prepared tea… I mean Mrs. Cheesegrater councilled Mr. Cheese, who was upset about something or other..."
Day Five - The Incident
Tried to gain more inspiration by pottering round the house. Got told off by Dad. Said I was being naughty. I mean what's wrong with
climbing all over the TV and knocking it over sitting down with daddy watching TV and being good?
- Got nothing written down. Most of today was spent enjoying playing with dad's expensive toys and cleaning up the mess afterwards. I will now retreat to bed, and see if I can spark any inspiration.
Day Six - The Great Idea
Woke up in the middle of the night to write down an amazing idea for a story.
- " A big dinosaur roams around the city, eating buildings that look like small innocent animals. It then finds a woman and climbs up a dead tall building with her. They both fall in love and have kids together. The monster plans to form an army with his kids to bring down that building that looks like a walnut with "WB" written on it. They then climb down from the building to carry out the plan and are arrested. The woman is left at the top of the building and after many grows a beard, even though facial hair doesn't run in her family."
It sounded better in my head. Plus I get the feeling it's already been done in some way.
- Got up this mornng and realised something, reflecting all over the past week or so...
I can't writemonkeys live in trees. I will rest today, and continue my pursuit to write the best story ever tomorrow.
Day Seven - Finished The Story!
I've decided to put together everything I have written and fill in the gaps. That way I can complete the story how I see fit:
- On a plane knot far from ear, lies a big jobby K? called Symsone W X Y who lived next door to a draw-like house....
- Out of the draw-like house came Mr. Spoon. He waved hellow to Mrs. Cheesegrater as Mum prepared tea… I mean Mrs. Cheesegrater councilled Mr. Cheese, who was upset about something or other..."
- Mrs. Cheezegrater said "What's wrong with you, Mr Cheese? You're awfully quiet today"
- "Well," said Mr. Cheeze
- "A big dinosaur is roaming around the city, eating buildings that look like small innocent animals. It's found a woman and climbed up a dead tall building with her. They've both fallen in love and have had kids together. The monster planned to form an army with his kids to bring down that building that looks like a walnut with "WB" written on it. They then climbed down from the building to carry out the plan and got arrested. And the woman was left at the top of the building and after many grows a beard, even though facial hair doesn't run in her family."
Now I need an ending. Hmm. How about this...
- "Oh right" Aknowledged Mrs. Cheesegrater...
- "I shouldn't have even asked. You suck!"
- Then Mr.Cheese cried for the rest of his life, before being eaten by me and me mam and me dad.
Actually it seems perfect as it is now that I've added an ending. Brilliant! Will contact the publishers tomorrow and get this thing out there. I'm gonna be a millionare!
Day Eight - Contemplating Suicide
Went to WH Smiths yesterday. Tried to convince them to sell my story. They laughed at me and spat their caramel Quality Streets on my story. Now it's all sticky and horrible. Who'd have thought, that two pieces of genius combined together could make such a horrible piece of crap?
- Going to run away from home to live in an Argos Warehouse. I will play video games and cry forever while I do so, and electrocute myself by shoving an electric toothbrush up my bum.
- I have found a sudden new interest in life. The suicide attempt failed. But I did have a massive...
PAGE IS TORN. TOO RUDE TO POST HERE.
Hurgh hurgh! In Ur-endo!!!!! >.<