Abe Simpson

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Abe Simpson.
Official Presidential photo of Abe Simpson. Note that this is the same photograph that appears on the American penny.

"Honest" Abe Simpson suffered, virtually from birth, from Alzheimer's disease, but despite this significant setback, he was the United States President from 1861 to 1865. He is usually just called President Grampa.

Running[edit]

The US Treasury put Abe Simpson on the penny because his presidency and the coin are considered to be of equal value.

Abe ran for president in 1860 even though he had never previously held a political position. In fact, he wasn't aware that the United States even had a government, but nevertheless he ran for president.

Abe achieved the nickname of Honest Abe when campagning for presidency. His campaign slogan was "I'd make a horrible president, and you really should vote for someone else." Americans admired his honesty, and he was voted in by a landslide. He recieved so many votes that his opponent, Stephen Douglas, was executed under the Death Before Dishonor Provision, which states that anyone who gets a negative number of votes will be strangled for his colossal failure.

When taking the oath of office, Abe declared, "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully do whatever the hell it was I said I'd do; so help me Matlock." Every president since then has used this exact quote when reciting the oath of office.

Whenever anyone becomes president, it becomes his presidential duty to go to Encyclopædia Dæmonica's United States President template and add his name to the list. Abe decided it wasn't necessary because "What are you gonna do, arrest me for not going to the Internet?" He was then arrested for seven years for not going to the Internet. However, since his name was never added to the article, a random United States citizen was selected, and he was declared the president for the years that Abe was supposed to be president. By complete coincidence, the man chosen was Calvin Coolidge, the man who preceded and succeeded Abe for centuries.

Abe was the only president who didn't live in the White House, due to his retirement home not letting him leave.

Presidency[edit]

Abe Simpson is well known for leading the Union during the American Civil War. Abe declared war on the Confederacy because he mistook it for a Middle Eastern terrorist country. Upon realizing his mistake, Abe said "Southerners and Arabs all look the same to me." He continued to fight a war against the Confederacy on the grounds that "Those cowardly seceders need to be taught a lesson!", then added, "But someone needs to teach me what that lesson is, because I don't know it either." Abe led the Union to victory in the Civil War after the surrender from the Confederate president, who declared that Abe was a zombie that was impossible to kill and it was pointless to even try.

Abe decided to make the national government stronger and the state government weaker. While often accused of crossing the line, his famous comeback was "Well of course I'm going to make the national government stronger! I RUN A NATIONAL GOVERNMENT! What did you expect, I'd just hand the states all my power? Jeez, you people are stupid." His popularity rating after this statement skyrocketed, as Americans once again appreciated the president's honesty.

Abe also freed black people from slavery. He did this because temporary blindness led him to believe that he himself was black.

The rest[edit]

Famous Simpsons
Jessica Simpson Homer Simpson
Bart Simpson OJ Simpson
Abe Simpson Ashlee Simpson
The Simpsons Lisa Simpson

Abe Simpson is generally considered the only United States President to live up to the promise in his campaign slogan. ( Actually, that's not true. Every United States President lived up to the promise in Abe's campaign slogan. )

Abe Simpson died in 1884. His cause of death was listed as "being Abe Simpson". On his death bed, he vomited up something awful, and that children is where we got the Chronicles of Narnia.


See also[edit]