Agent

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search

Agents are mythical creatures, which tend to hunt you if you've entered the matrix (aka taken the pink pill - PP). There are many categories of agents, as they are all over the world. They don't go hunting. They go killing, and they move in packs. Their special attacks include sleep, hard-rock hallelujah, singing, bathing and even screaming.

Categories[edit]

This is a horse-agent supervising the demolition of the FBI headquarters in Eladistan
  • Animal agents: Animal agents are the most dangerous of all. They are everywhere in the world, and they run the governments. You might have seen them smell weird spots or even react in a way you don't understand. They communicate in a different language than ours, although they do understand our languages. ALL OF THEM.
  • MMA: Mustard-Mustard Agents: blistering and tissue-injuring agents, those agents are not so harmful after all. They tend to jump from person to person, usually riding lice or something similar, and then they set nano-headquarters on your head. If you feel your head to be itchy, better consult God.
"Secret Agents" by Thematic role
  • GAY: Grammatical Agent Yakov: Those agents never do a mistake. A grammatical agent is the participant of a situation that carries out the action in this situation. Also, Agent is the name of the Thematic role with the above definition. The word comes from a participle of the Latin verb, infinitum.
  • IA: Intelligent Agent is a soft agent that exhibits some form of artificial intelligence. While the working of software agents used for operator assistance or data mining (in mines at the Alpes, sometimes referred to as bots), are often based on fixed pre-programmed rules, "intelligent" here implies the ability to adapt and learn. Often referred to as Intelli-Agent.
  • RSA: Railroad Special Agents are commissioned by the Governor of the state they are employed in, are also armed, and carry both state and federal arrest powers in all states in which their employing railroad owns property. Their primary concern is policing crimes against the railroad, although they do have the authority to police the general public, make arrests on public property, and enforce applicable local, state, and/or federal laws when necessary.
  • NBA: Non-Biased Agent. In economics, an NBA is an element of a model that solves a pessimistic problem. For example, buyers and sellers are two types of NBAs commonly encountered in market models.
  • AP: An agent provocateur (plural: agents provocateurs) is a person assigned to provoke unrest, violence, debate, or argument by or within a group while acting as a member of the body (usually a hand or a limb) but covertly representing the interests of another (these interests often include other people's women, which is how fights begin). In general, agents provocateurs seek to disrupt a group's activities secretly from within the group, but without the use of nuclear velocity or biochemical weapons.
  • TA: Travel Agents. Those agents do nothing but travel, travel and search for travels. They often buy lots of travel tickets thinking they can travel them all, but they usually end up not travelling. Travel is their life.
  • FAQ: Forté Agent Quasimode is an email and news client of Windows. Windows and Doors usually control FAQs, although they can be found in other sites (they do quite a lot of site-seeing) as well.
  • AO: Agents Orange are agents trained in the X-Era, between 1961 and 1971, and are by far the most well-known agents for the use of the so-called "rainbow herbicides" during the program. Agents Orange (as well as Agents Purple, Pink, Blue, White, and Green) contained dioxins which are alleged to have caused harm to the health of those exposed during the Vietnam War. They kicked ass.
  • CA: Chemical Agent. Don't touch 'em, they're kinda caustic. No, you shouldn't sniff them either, it causes brain damage. You really want to? Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you. Dumbass.
  • ´´´ sexsual-pistol agent ´´´ Some gay agents like to shove their guns up in their boyfriends asses ( not matter if their agent or not ) ( without shells )

Training[edit]

Training camps. Find Waldo
Training camps from the outside

All kinds of agents get special training. They are taken to the Bed-Wetter's Shoecamps for training. Nobody can enter those camps without clearance or permission. However, the forensics team from the investigation department of Uncyclopedia managed to take a photo of the camps after some agents described it to them. It seems as if the red flags exist there only to distract agents. No agents are visible in the photos, unfortunately, but people in Uncyclopedia are working their hardest to find some.

Training includes:

  • Waking up early
  • Making you bed
  • Eating properly
  • Doing simple math without the use of a calculator (calculators are used in higher courses only)
  • Cooking
  • Gardening without tools
  • Remaking your bed
  • Removing the skin from rice grains with box gloves
  • Sawing ("I saw him", "I didn't see him" etc)
  • Massaging (only on the upper half of the body for the n00bs)
  • Learning morse code, binary and 1337.
  • Learning Proper Wiki Formatting
  • Remaking your bed
  • Learning how to use smileys.
  • Distinguishing red flags from blue ones.

After their training is over (about 10-years of training (in binary) ), they are given two tests to see if they can be accepted as Agents. The forensics team again managed to get a look on the first test, and they provided this article with a photo. If they pass the test, they take a blood-test, and if they pass this one too, they choose their place of preference and are sent there.

Click to view larger. If you print it, God will kill a kitten.

External Links[edit]