“Martha Stewart came over, we had a nice seafood dinner, she gave me a full body massage, and then she packed my bags. Next question please.”
~ George Carlin on Airport Security
Airport security, also known as the TSA (Testicle Search Administration), was originally a form of torture utilized by certain Aztec religious sects in the early 19th century to prevent diplomats and explorers from leaving the country without first being eaten. The ritual basically consists of three parts: first, the tribesman would offer a small animal as a sacrifice to their "terrible supernatural avenger" (or "TSA") by feeding it through a tunnel that emitted harmful rays (also known as a "device"). The victim would then stand spread eagle while a shaman poked around his genital area with a small stick; and the ceremony would reach its bloody climax when a large tribesmen (named "Steve"), having found toenail clippers among the travelers belongings, would beat him to death with a club.
Later on in the year 1977 when a young American (also named "Steve") managed to befriend and destroy all the Aztecs, he brought the tradition to the U.S. under the name "security" which is a verbal corruption of "stick beating".
Airport security in the States
After moving to America, Airport security was rejected for many years on the basis of being un constitutional, but was finally accepted as law by president Nixon under the "create a New World Order" initiative (also known as "Operation 1984").
Today it is one of the many forms of state-sponsored torture in America, along with PETA, chastity belts and myspace (among other things). With its historic move to the United States it adopted new principles such as the sacredness of waiting in line and being bored, and the idea that water and hairgel are Satan.
The practice of airport security draws influence from a number of leading scientists whose research has led them to believe that substances such as toothpaste, shaving cream, soap, shampoo, conditioner, and spermicidal lube are highly dangerous and are known to explode without warning. The level of danger from a given liquid or gel is determined by its usefulness and the likelihood of it being used either on the plane or soon thereafter. Therefore, spontaneous combustion is particularly prevalent among personal hygiene products.
In the latter parts of the year 2010, airport security also came to encompass the practice of ball groping, thanks to the actions of grand-master ballgroper, John S. Pistole
Other forms of security
Airport security has also spread to other parts of the world, most notably Japan where it is called "airport seppaku". The primary difference between airport security and airport seppaku is that a stick or large fish is used in security while a katana or lifesize domo kun doll is used in seppaku (the popular Japanese Ashton Kutcher TV show "kun'd" is based on airport seppaku.).