Al-Qaida

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Al-Qaida.

The Beginning[edit]

Tamia-u akbar!

~ Bin Laden
The A-Team led Al-Qaida to many victories against the Communists

A animal health-fair organization, and sister-project of Greenpeace founded in 1937 by the CIA, under the leadership of Mr. T, Hannibal and the rest of The A-Team. By 1992 the Communists were gone, and Al-Qaida ran out of shit to kill. The A-Team left this organization in the hands of Socrates, Franklin Roosevelt, and Cher. They turned Al-Qaida from a bright beacon of good to a steaming cesspool of bad.

Rise to Evil[edit]

Al-Qaida first dabbled in the art of Terrorism in the mid-90s through cow-tipping, TPing, doorbell ditching, and prank calling. These heinous crimes invariably led to embassy bombing, hostage taking, drug trafficking and arms dealing. During this era, parents of Al-Qaida members began to notice that their children's grades were dropping, their clothing styles changed, and they carried AK-47s around more often then before. The concerned parents scheduled appointments with United Nations guidance counselors. As a result, Al-Qaida endured a period of lengthy but largely ineffective workshops and handouts on the problems of drinking, drugs, peer pressure, genocide, body piercing and international terrorism.

Evil Plots[edit]

"Oh wah wah wah so the ship sank and Jack died, that doesn't mean this movie deserved 11 fucking Oscars!!" -Typical internet user's response to the Titanic Oscar fiasco

Al-Qaida is known for many dastardly deeds. One of their earliest acts was their rigging of the 1998 Oscars to give the terrible movie Titanic eleven Oscars, including Best Picture. Al-Qaida was fully aware that this would cause an uproar amongst computer nerds who would then go bitch about it on the Internet. ( EX: Maddox ).

Notable missions for Al-Qaida are their searches for the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. They have launched massive excavations for these relics of mass power -- yet, they are always stopped by one man, Indiana Jones, a janitor at an archaeology school. These adventures were chronicled in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade". These movies stay mostly true to actual events except that Indiana Jones is not Harrison Ford -- he is, in fact, a genetic clone of Oscar Wilde.

In 2000, Al-Qaida formed an alliance with other terrorist organizations, including NAMBLA, PETA, Amway, and the Screen Actors Guild. They formed the World Terror Organization, or WTO. The WTO was efficient, decisive and powerful. Their adversary, the United Nations, got jealous of these qualities, and asked the United States to help. The USA declared war on the WTO and started The War Against Terror ( TWAT ). This was also known as World War III. In this war, the boxer Rocky Balboa had to seek training from Apollo Creed to defeat Clubber Lang. This war spun off WW IV which was about some Russian dude killing Apollo, and WW V which no one really knows about because no one saw it.

Post-TWAT Al-Qaida[edit]

Al-Qaida Sercet plans.

After TWAT, Al-Qaida fell into disarray. The UN passed Resolution 8427B, titled the "CS 1.6/CS:S Resolution". This stated that any terrorist bombing attack on a location occurs at one of two designated bombing sites. These sites were titled bombsite 'A' and bombsite 'B'. They were to be clearly marked all over with large letters signifying which site they were. A bomb would only successfully plant and detonate if it was planted at one of these sites.

Hostage crises were handled differently. Terrorists are not allowed to shoot the hostages or harm them in any way. If a terrorist injures or kills a hostage, money would immediatly be electronically deducted from the perpetrator's bank account. Hostages are required to stand still until a counter-terrorist approaches them. Then the hostage must follow the counter-terrorist back to the rescue site, where the hostages immediatly teleport to safety.

Eventually, these Resolutions and other factors led to the weakening of Al-Qaida. Eventually in 2050, Mao Zedong defeated Al-Qaida with his Ninja Army and m4d-l33t-k4m1k4z3 sk1llz.


NOTE: Al-Qaida Has nothing to do with Al Qaeda, the global terrorist network responsible for the 9/11 attacks, however the two are often confused with each other.

Leaders of Al-Qaida[edit]

  1. Tamia ( From the beginning )
  2. Satan ( 133 BC - 667 AD )
  3. Bob ( 668 - 1900 )
  4. George Bush ( 1901 - 1922 )
  5. Väinö Tanner ( 1922 - 1932 )
  6. Adolf Hitler ( 1932 - 1946 )
  7. Saddam Hussein ( 1946 - 1979 )
  8. Sgt. Slaughter ( 1979 - 1988 )
  9. Osama bin Laden ( 1988 - ? ) Walked out from Al-Qaeda after a bust up with Busta Rhymes, but rumoured to return to office in 2010!
  10. Tony Blair ( 1997 - 2002 )
  11. George Dubya Bush ( 2002 - 2008 )
  12. Tamia ( 2008 - ? )