Albus Dumbledore

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Albus Dumbledore.
Spoiler warning:Plot spoilers, such as the fact that


may follow. Read on at your own discretion. AND TAMIA FUCKS UP SPEED II WITH HER SHITTY MUSIC AS WELL

Despite what esteemed experts say, the one and only Albus Dumbledore( 1888 - March 4 2006 ) ( the headmaster of 'ogwartz ) is not, as the rumor he created and/or encourages suggests, Gandalf.

  • His real name is Michelle Jackson. However he has been using poly juice potion ever since the whole "incident".
  • Esteemed Experts here refers to Fundamentalist Christians that dropped out of middle-school and Scientologists that have yet to recognise the fact that E does, in fact, equal MC squared.

Dumbledore is the stupid whoring person in charge of the shitty school for the mentally retarded AKA hogwarts. He received the job only because his uncle Voldemort threatened to destroy all of the unicorns in the world if he didn't make his nephew in charge of the school. Naturally since everyone in the land of magic are big pussys they agreed. And so Dumbledore became in charge of his own school. Since then he has been known to:

  1. . Release crazed monster to consume all of the students
  2. . Completely forgive students for disobeying his orders and putting the entire school in danger.
  3. . Allow his uncle to try to destroy students.

He was last spotted flying off the Astronomy Tower backwards.


Dumbledore once considered expelling Harry due to his poor fellatio

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumb-bledore, similarly, to Ian McKellen is a samurai both daughters of Merlin. As well as this, he has, unfortunately, become a pseudonym for Gandalf. He is supposedly the most powerful wizard in the world. However, we all know this is Horny Punter who uses his libido to became an excellent back door burglar and BOOM! You have been spellanised!

The topic of this article has unfairly being taken advantage of by Mrs. J. K. Rowling and she has made copious quidage from his tales. However, critics argue, he takes advantage of pupils, Rowling takes advantage of him. According to the Idiotic school of thought, this is known as a vicious circle.

According to Un!News, Dumbledore has recently undergone a freak surgical accident with Lord Voldemort. They both Apparated at the same exact place at the same exact time, and a miraculous thing happened: both Dumbledore and Voldemort mixed together and created Dumblemort and Voldedore. Who is who, none can say, but be sure not to cross their way!

  • "Mrs" Rowling is about as female as that Condoleezza Rice

Life of Crime[edit]

Novelty t-shirts do not tell lies. This truth has made several slow-paced readers cry.

There have been allegations of child abuse regarding Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarfs, by the old guy that this article is about. Dumbledore denied all the accusations, stating merely "Bah. Bloody humbug! I'm a celebrity, so I can't get acquitted or nothin'!" ( Un )Honourable Judge Ron the "Ginger" Weasley Granger had to agree with that logic, and Dumbledore walked out of the courtroom a free man. Fortunately, no one not imagined, and continued to make him out to be the sort who would steal your children for lewd acts. Also, in his defence, he interestingly used the phrase "Bah. Bloody humbug", the exact words that Harry Potter told the court he had said before receiving a bollocking for his "Hufflepuff" standard of fellatio.

Lifetime Achievements[edit]

Media:A Message from Albus Dumbledore.ogg

  • Only known person to bed Harry Potter ( Sorry, Ron )
  • Only known person to bed Hermione Granger ( Sorry again, Ron )
  • Only known person to bed Monica Lewinsky ( Sorry, Clinton )
  • Only known person to bed Lord Voldemort ( Sorry, Harry )
  • Invented magic with Einstein ( Sorry, Merlin )
  • Believed by many to be one of the true physicists behind the Theory of relativity ( Sorry, Einstein )
  • Invaded Russia ( Sorry, Hitler. Sorry, Napoleon. )
  • Saw, came, and conquered ( Sorry Cæsar. )
  • Apparently killed by Snape.( Sorry anyone who has been living under a rock since book six came out, though whether or not he is dead has been debated by following secret message ).


Dumbledore was recaptured again at the beginning of 2006 by local police forces and was sent to Sing Sing Prison. He stayed there for about a month, then on March 4 2006 he was executed in the electric chair.

See also[edit]