Alucard

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dracula.


Alucard aka Nosferatu aka "Big red"[edit]

Alucard is teh sex. ( He is not Dracula ) No,really. In a recent anime lovers poll ( found on animepornotakujackoff.com ) he beat Inuyasha and Vash the Stampede, tieing in on first place with Edward Elric and Secks-shoumaru. Of course, a little bribery and 10 gallons full of Casull lead has killed off the competition. Literally.


Alucard,"teh sex"showing off his pose before releasing his sexual frustration on his enemies.None have survived so far.

Things you should know by now anyways[edit]

He's by far older than most pimping vampires out there ( He is not Dracula ), reading a whooping 597, give or take 200 years or so. Even so,he's still an immature brat. One might argue that at his age, you're bound to go nuts from living for too damn long.

He is the hero in this show right here ( He is not Dracula ). He saved Police Girl by shattering her liver in a sugar high fit and loved his rival to death, but noone cares since he was a tree by then anyhow and couldn't feel a damned thing ( He is not Dracula ).

His usual attire consists primarelly of a red fedola hat, orange "Vash brand" coolglasses, seeing as though that is the current fashion in Hellsing, which is also the only show which can make being far sighted look cool, red REALLY outdated coat which he is never seen without so as to not appease the fangirls desperate for a piece of him,plain vest and shirt, big, I mean BIG ribbon ( tied in a "Chesticle" knot ) that is known to cut off circulation in normal humans and used to strangulate small furry animals by overzealous rednecks; pants. Just pants ( He is not Dracula ).

It has never been properly researched if the pants in question indeed DO have a buckle or if they are in any way connected to his body, since that certain area is cleverly concealed at all times. Also,he wears victorian brand "flood" boots, since they look made for walking in murk.

His teeth are actually plastic since his real ones were shattered in his first fight with Anderson and the only replacement he could find on such short notice were Halloween vampire teeth in the local Costume Dept(He is definatly NOT dracula). Since then he went to the local dentist and got a dental job,but the producers of the show thought he looked more menacing with those fake sharp teeth and asked him to wear them during filming,even though the teeth hurt his mouth,so he is forced to grin crookedly all the time.

The Joker from Batman is also known to have this problem.

Anderson has been reported to have gotten jealous and bought himself an even bigger pair of false teeth,though he only wore it during the anime filming since it ruined his gums and threw it away afterwards to let them heal.This is why he is never seen wearing them again.


Life experiences[edit]

On a lighter tone, he was raped as a kid by a huge hairy turkish sultan and decapitated in his underwear. He was so impressed by this that he dedicated his life to helping humanity and opened "Blood drives R Us" to show his appreciation. The bussiness failed, however, since he drank all the products.

He also once owned a castle ( He is not Dracula ) on top of a cliff in the heart of Transylvania(He is not Dracula ),a small village off the side of Amsterdam,which is the capitol of Bosnia & Hertegovina(but everybody knows that already ). He lived there for almost 400 years till he made the mistake of selling it to a devious merchant named Abraham van Helsing for a pack of bubble gum.

Unfortunately,the wrappers were empty.He was left homeless since by the time he came back to Castlevania Helsing had already turned his home into a museum,now known as Castle Bran.

Feeling sorry for him,though,Abraham agreed to let him stay with him as his housepet.

Leaving Buttsylvania forever, he went to live in London in Helsing's modest 300-room mansion.

Even though Helsing has now been dead for over 100 years, Alucard still lives in that mansion since he likes the squeky toys he recieves and has finally learned the location of the bathroom.


Debated stuff[edit]

His name is an anagram, which means his real name is Bill Cosby ( Who might be Dracula ). He never talks about it though.

Another issue that people have brought into focus is his sexual status, seeing as though vampires can only be converted if they are virgin, a theory that comes into conflict with the well known fact that Vlad Tepes had 2 wives and 4 children, which can conclude to one thing: damn, those women were whores!

Another unanswered question is why he has such a girly look in the latest installment of the series,The Dawn and if Hirano was high when he did the character design.Test have shown that the answer to the latter question is "yes".

Upon closer observation of his behaviour it was concluded that during that time Alucard was going through an identity crisis and found relief in crossdressing.It could also be that Arthur was a pedophile.

Also debated is the fact that he wasn't actually married and that he is actually a Nun, which would explain the gun fetish and the fact that he is not alive.


Hobbies[edit]

His favourite songs are: "Chop Suey", "E Nomine", "Personal Jesus", "Hallowed be thy name", "Would you love a monster man" and "Barbie Girl".

He is so awesome,the word awesome was named after him. Awesome is now pronounced "Alucard", and Alucard is pronounced "Little miss Vixen".

Lesser known is the fact that he was once a famous football star ( Not Dracula ), clevearly disgiusing his name and identity, until one day he was discovered by the local drunkee and thus had to end his carrer subtly,before the World Cup 2006 matches could begin, leaving a fat, retarded hobo as a replacement, knowing that humans couldn't tell the difference. As so,he will be remembered by his fans every time you hear the name "Ronaldo".


Previous jobs[edit]

Little known fact about him is he starred in the clip and was model for the hit song: "Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini". He still keeps the bikini as a reminder of his stardom years.

He also starred in many "Herbal essences" commercials but was fired when the producers thought he was off key on his moans of joy during filming. He was replaced with a proffesional french slut.

Another job he took before coming to the Hellsing agency was that of a cook at a fancy restaurant. The job didn't last long and was subsequently fired because he kept killing all the customers who complained about his cooking, all the customers who complained about blood being the only dish in the menu and all the customers for hell's sake. He was redirected to vampire killing, although reluctant at first seeing as though he only killed for pleasure it soon became a daily routine, mainly because he got to eat 15% of the killings.

His diet includes: humans, people, earthlings, homo sapiens, thumbed primates and sugar. Lots of sugar. That is the reason he sometimes foams at the mouth while attacking his enemies.


Obsessions[edit]

He also has a fetish for large guns. Aside form "large guns", he likes the bullet shooting weapons too. He has 2 of them. The weapons I mean. He sleeps with them in his bed. Naked. Every night.

Another obsession he has gained somewhat more recently is smirking at strangers and staring at people in buses while they read their papers. Study shows it is genetic and has been handed down from generation to generation all the way from the late Abraham van Dracula who used to stare and smirk at people in wagons while they knitted their socks.

He also seems to have masochistic tendancies since he's always inviting people to hurt him.He has confessed that this is a reflex caused by trauma because he was not loved as a child.

He further confessed that his only fear is of the stapler with which he was brutally attacked a long time ago and left him mentally scarred for life.

Alucard spends many hours beating away horny fangirls and turning down offers of large amounts of cash to be in a yaio flick with Riden of Metal Gear fame. Seras is his horny little whore which he once stated as: "You're a compleate dirty whore."

Also,the guy who wrote the thing above this is a total fag.


Uber powers that pwn Superman[edit]

His badass powers give him the ability to be uber badass. His swearing habits can make sailors cry and he can turn to pudding in a matter of nanoseconds. Oh, he can also fight.

He can literally "rip people apart like they were wet tissue paper", ability highly useful when sitting on the crapper and you're out of toilet paper and can't wipe your ass. He can also fly, shoot laser beams out of his ears and nostrils, bleed to death about 1000 times and be crushed by a washing machine without saying "ow".

He also has the ability to rape an unknown (but large) number of people at a time with his massive sex-tentacles.

He also likes having fun. When he's not having sex, he entertains himself by juggling watermelons, big fat nazi guys and Shrodinger-too hard too spell a name-gay cat boys.

Alucard compleatly owns Chuck Norris on the basis that: although Chuck has a roundhouse kick capable of making Cold Dark Matter burst into flame, Alucard can basically transcend all reality and OWN Chuck's ass in every feasable reality outcome, as theorised by the Many Worlds Theory.

Also, he invented dungeons & dragons. Not the game but actual dungeons and dragons.

Also,You Suck!

Which leads me to my second point: Fuck You!


Love life[edit]

He also has a fetish for Integra. His love dissipated however when he found out she had a sex change and became a man so as to not confuse fans over her gender anymore. Since then he's been stalking Seras, but is beaten to death by her "titties of doom" kung-fu move that has injured and crippled so many before. Luckily for him, he can regenerate.

the blood shows he loves ya!

Other activities[edit]

He likes wearing red, but has a secret liking for pink, which is why he bears a pink Tweety thong under his spandex, fact only known by him and Walter. Anderson doesn't bother to undress him.

He also likes to beat up Chuck Norris with a rusty plunger under the silver moonlight on Christmas Eve while singing carols in Spanish and doing his taxes. He's also got a habit of eating kittens and caring for orphans. Then Chuck Norris gets back up and gets pwned again.Hah!Alucard is the win!


Connection to Dracula?[edit]

He probably ate Dracula, he's that awesome, or is him. Who knows, the level of kickassery from him is enough to break anyone trying to find out.

Not useful in any way links[edit]

More sites Alucard has been pimping:

Hellsing site wtf

smth i dunno Hellsing i guess i'm too drunk

Google sucks,search it here,ppl!

this doesn't exist.If it does,you're lucky.

i checked the previous link out.it does exist,waddaya know!