Whoops! Maybe thou lookest for the Church of Alicia Keys
“Who knows more about electricity then the Amish?”
~ Homer Simpson on Amish
“It's hard to find batteries in Amish country”
~ Tamia on batteries for her dildo
The Amish are a distinct race of Humanoids that can be found living between the Midwest and Mid-Atlantic, in an underground nation known as Amish Country.
Appearance and Behavior
The Amish typically have a variation of brown hair, grey or blue eyes, a large bone structure, and many Amish males are born with beards much like Kyle's Mom
The Amish live off the land. During the day, they forage on berries and roots. They also drink un-hydrogenated milk. Scientists now believe that a steady diet of un-hydrogenated milk may be what causes the extreme intelligence of the Amish.
The Amish Underground
Despite living very secretive, secluded lives, the Amish are known to have vast technologies that far outpace anything found in the United States.]] The Amish are the well known technophiles, easily exceeding the rest of the World in their expertise in technology. They are best known for their experience in Computer Science, though they are reclusive, and refuse aid and contact with most of the World. Despite, or perhaps because of their reclusive nature, they resemble the A-Team in many respects. The Amish can be recruited for an unsolvable problem, if you are able to make contact with them.
The Amish have reportedly found fast algorithms to solve NP complete problems, although whether the hardness of the problem is actually true in the hands of the Amish, remains to be a mystery. Like many fledgling communities they use the cheaper asymmetric system.
The Amish inventor Graeber Bartholomew Good, perhaps the most famous of the Amish, invented the light bulb in 1903 so that he could read pornography at night without the fear of knocking over his candles with his vigorous kitten slaying. At the 1921 Universal Exhibition John Ambrose Fleming made a How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb-joke while an Amish overheard him. 3 Days later, the same Amish invented the vacuum tube.
Due to their reculsive nature and skills, not much else is known about the Amish, though we do know a lot about their history and the technologies they are able to employ. The actual behavior of the Amish is rather mysterious since they are so shy. They are extremely difficult to document.
We do know that the Amish have access to the World Wide Web.
The Amish-Mormon War
While many people believe Amish are much like the Mormons, most do not realize that this is true.
Since 1833, Amish and Mormons have been at war. Orignally, the Amish and Mormons lived together in Amish Country, residing on their secluded farms and hiding their vast knowledge and technological resources from the rest of the world. However, by the turn of the century, a large group of Amish began breaking away from the traditional way of life. They began to shave, wear colored clothing, and speak profanity. In 1832, the Amish King, Jakob Yoder ( 1800 - 1853 ), banished a group of 63 rebellious men, women, and children from Amish country. The banned Amish retaliated by forming their own commmunity and renaming themselves the Mormons. They published their own books of Propaganda in 1833, known as the Chronicles of the Latter Day Saint. The number of Mormons grew rapidly, and the Amish were greatly angered. In one of the most unprecedented events in history, the Amish declared war on the Mormons, driving them from Amish Country and into Illinoy [the common Alt Line Amish spelling of Illinois]. The Mormons held the Frontline in Illinoy in what is known as the Illinoy Campaign ( 1833 - 1835 ). However, the Amish continued to beat them back until the Mormons fled to Utah. By 1847, nearly all Mormons had been driven to the wastelands of the West, where they remain today. However, the Amish continue to fight the Mormons with their Satellite Death Rays.
A typical battle between the Amish and Mormons is fought entirely with Satellite Death Rays. Since the Mormons and Amish live so far apart nowadays, they cannot fight a conventional battle. Instead, they beam deadly laser rays at each other, causing the destruction of property and occasional loss of life. They also send propaganda back and forth via the World Wide Web.
Why The Amish Are So Intelligent
Once every blue moon I lay in my bed drunk and high wearing nothing but my underwear and a pair of skiboots when the thought pops up,"Damn, those Amish are an intelligent group of people."But why are they "So damn intelligent?" To answer this question older than time itself let's compare this gentle creature to us, the humans. Firstly, we're fat, they're not, end of discussion. But why? Because they don't drive cars, they walk friggin' everywhere. So you want a reccomendation? I'll give you your reccomendation! Go hang out with some Amish People: You get a pimp hat, buttonless shirt, and long sideburns and a beard. What more could you ask for? Churning butter you say? You've got it!
Not to be confused with
- the French
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- a Hippie commune
- Mennonites ( yes apparently there is a difference, at least that's was I was told by the angry crowd while I was in the stocks. On the bright side at least, my wife doesn't nag me to ask for directions anymore. )
- Anish, self proclaimed Emperor
- The Waltons