Andrew Jackson

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Andrew Jackson.

Andrew "Dodgeball" Jackson ( b.1767 - d.1845 ) was the seventh president of The United States of America, is fourth in line to the British throne, and a powerful Dodgeball Master. His mastery of dodgeball and politics helped win him the election as president. He was also a major army general, fighting and leading armies in The War of 1812 and World War III.

Jackson: The Child[edit]

Andrew "Action" Jackson was born on January 17, 1767 to German parents who had fled Nazi Germany. The third child in the family, his older brothers Michael and Germaine had been sold to raise money for a horse and plow, and were raised as African-Americans in eastern Mississippi. His parents raised young Andrew the best way they could in Nazi South Carolina. Times were tough and they were only allowed a handful of Soylent Green. Young Andrew Jackson resourcefully beat smaller children until they gave him their share as well, proving early on his ability in politics.

At age eight, Jackson's father lost his job as a chimney sweep, and resorted to Hershey's Kisses to help him forget about his problems. Looking for a new life, Andrew and his mother left his Chocoholic father and moved to what is now Oregon. Although still under Nazi control, Nazi Oregon was considered one of the "nice" Nazi States. Most people had traveled in covered wagons to Nazi Oregon to seek freedom from religious oppressors and believed in Manifest Destiny and that having sex standing up was a form of contraception.

In 1781, after Andrew finished Junior High and working in the local toothpick factory, he was enrolled in a Dodgeball league. This is when Jackson found his destiny.

Jackson: The Military Genius[edit]

A figure of Jackson leading his troops, weapon in hand.

By 1811, Andrew's fantastic dodgeball skills were put to use by the government. Not only could Jackson's vicious throws blow up a tank, it could also demolish an enemy base. Andrew led three different militia units during the course of The War of 1812. His fearless determination and prowess in bed raised his troops' morale and led them to victory over the forces of Lex Luthor, restoring peace to the Earth.

Jackson: The Midlife Crisis[edit]

Shortly thereafter, Andy J was signed to the Seattle Seahawks as a Cornerback/Punt Return Specialist, but failed to impress the coaches and was cut after the first preseason game. Jackson appeared in several TV spots and had a cameo role in Deathwish 3, but could not recapture the fame and glory of his early Dodgeball days.

In 1825, Jackson finally seemed to catch a break when he was signed by Swishahouse Records to a 7 million dollar album deal. His first single however "Jackzonian Demokrazy" failed to break #40 on the Billboard charts and the album was shelved.

Jackson disappeared from the scene for nearly two years afterwards. Though there is no accurate record of his whereabouts, close friends say he began consorting with several countercultural groups, experimenting with drugs, homosexuality, and other vices. It wasn't until 1831 that Jackson appeared on the scene again, this time at the forefront of his newly created Democratic party.

He was elected mayor of Whoville in 1829 and, despite initially poor approval ratings, his handling of the Grinch crisis in Christmas of 1830 put him on the fast track to political success. He soon found himself a strong candidate for the Presidency of the United States and his local Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter.

Jackson: The President[edit]

In a surprise comeback, Jackson beat John Quincy Adams and Seabiscuit in the race for president. At the last lap of the race, Jackson's horse was terribly spooked and looked like it wouldn't cross the finish line in time. Reamrkably, a ten ton steel girder fell from the rafters just above the finish line, crushing both Seabiscuit and John Quincy Adams to death.

One of Andrew Jackson's crowning achievements was his destruction of the Bank of the United States. The epic battle lasted for 2000 days and 1 night, consisting of alternating bouts of fisticuffs and chinese checkers, and only ended when Jackson blackmailed the Bank with embarassing photos form the Bank's high school days.

Andrew Jackson taking the bank head on at its own game: Chinese Checkers.

Andrew Jackson's greatest presidential triumph was having his face on the $20 bill. Though he initially requested to pose for the portrait holding up a wad of bills and wearing a gold necklace with the the word "Ca$hmoney" on it, his cabinet feared this might offend the Southern States and so advised him to take a more conservative approach on the bill.

During the South Carolina Nullification Crisis, Old Hickory threatened to personally ride down there and hang all of them with his bare hands, thus securing his position in American History as being "Fucking Hardcore". The South Carolinians had attempted to disregard a tax they considered unfair, which was a legitimate act according to the United States Constitution. Jackson responded with a number of memorable letters, speeches, and dudes with guns. Though the letters were very effective, historians suspect it was the dudes with guns who ultimately persuaded the South Carolinians to relinquish their right to nullify national law.

Fuck that shit!

~ Andrew Jackson on the Consitution.

Jackson: Cherokees on a trail of tearful happiness[edit]

In 1836, Jackson had 'had it with these motherfucking Cherokees on this Motherfucking reservation!" He sent them on the Trail of Tears, which killed one third of all Cherokees. Ironically, Jackson had originally designed it as the "Trail of Fun", but between the National Bank Crisis and Iran-CONTRA scandal, the State Department was could not afford to fund the amusement parks and cotton candy vendors Jackson had intended to be placed along the trail. With the budget already in a crunch, the State Department decided to instead line the trail with lots of onions and pointy rocks, hence the "Trail of Tears" we know today.

Jackson: The Dead Guy[edit]

Jackson died quietly of the munchies on June 8, 1845, tragically missing the season finale of Lost. Though he had set up his Tivo to record it, his mistress found him dead in his kitchen just before the airing of the show. He held a bag of Jet-Puf marshmallows in his hand, and it appeared as if he had failed open them in time for his fatal attack of the munchies. Historians regard this as one of the greatest tragedies in American history. "It was a really, really good episode," says Professor Karl Hungus of Yale University, "Andrew Jackson would have loved it." Professor Walter Sobchak of UCLA disagreed however, stating "I'm not so sure. I think the whole 'Flash-Forward' thing would have confused him. His notes and letters of the time seemed to indicate a great deal of confusion and difficulty following Lost."


Jackson: The Legacy[edit]

Jackson's appearance on the Twenty Dollar Bill will forever solidify his position as the most "Cashmoney" president. Plans were recently revealed for a three-hundred foot tall monument in his honor to be erected in the year 2012. Designed by Al Gore, the solid gold statue will tower over the city of Newark, New Jersey, giving the middle finger to incoming traffic. The belt buckle, thirty feet in diameter, will house a giant LCD television playing "An Inconvenient Truth" 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.