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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Aotearoa.



The North Island of New Zealand, during the year 1503

New Zealand was discovered by the Mori-Ori, a peaceful people from Micronesia. (Unfortunately what was once called Old Zealand already had inhabitants, so they killed all the natives and later changed the name to New Zealand.


The Islands were re-discovered again in the 17th century by the famous Dutch pot smoker Disable Tasman, who gave the country its current name New Zealand after remembering what he had for dinner last night but unfortunately he could not spell Vealandvegies so he ended up writing Zealand. The 'New' was added after New Jersey because both were wild and uncivilised places populated by savages. He subsequently introduced the marijuana plant, which to this day forms a mainstay of the economy.

Aotearoa was re-discovered yet again by Captain James Cook, who thought that as no-one outside the place worth mentioning had heard of it, it could perhaps do with a bit more discovering, and the introduction of the wheel, iron tools and fire arms to the natives. The first expedition included a touring Circus that was tragically massacred by the Maori.

Original flag of New Zealand

With a flash of imagination Cook decided to name the country's islands North Island, South Island and The Other Island. Subsequently the British settled Nu Zeelend in force, unleashing biological warfare on the cannibalistic Maori, the only known as well as nearly exterminating the native flora & fauna using one very large rabbit and Welshmen with a predilection for beastality. While it's tempting to blame Americans for most of the problems in the world, Australians are to blame for inflicting upon New Zealand the dreaded possum, the deadly magpie, Fords and Fosters Lager. The Americans, however, are to blame for everything else, including the ebola virus, Al Gore's documentary on global warming, global warming itself, (c)rap music, international terrorism and last (but by no means least) the shitfest TV programme, "Sex in The City". Having said that, New Ziland is full of inbreed assholes.

When the Europeans tried to take over the land of New Zealand, by offering a totally unfair system called money and trade, the Maori scuttled off under the cloud of treatises, and screamed "unfair" claiming that the lands was theirs, had always been, and that buying blocks of land in exchange for piles of cash was unfair. However, when the few surviving Moriori proclaimed that they possessed the land first, the Maori then claimed that the Moriori never existed, and were only a story you told your kids to make sure that when they grew up, they didn't become peace-activists. Losing this argument, they then said they they had the right to the land, because the had won it by right of conquest ... and so the saga continues.