The History of Armenia
The History of Armenia is a long and interesting one. Armenia was founded by Noah. Noah was a known drunk, schizophrenic, bestialist and the only boatmaker in the ( then inland country of Armenia. Often called 'Noah the Nutty Armenian' he was ridiculed for his ever bigger ( and animal filled ) boats he crafted in his back yard. After dismantling his house to make his biggest boat ever, he, his family and his sex furries started living in the new boat. After waking up from a 40 day bestiality bender, he realized that he was now the "King of Armenia". This is all carefully recorded in The Bible.
Armenians are commonly called "God's Chosen People", a name recently purloined by Jews , "Born Again" Christians, and people about to be run over by FBI tanks. Even Jesus could see that this was a recipe for disaster when he said, "My dad sure does hate Armenians". More recent translations have expanded this title to, "God's People, who Were Chosen to Leave this Shit Hole and Live Anywhere Else on Earth, Preferably Southern California Suburbs."
In 3001 AJ ( After Jebus ), Armenia was the last nation to adopt Christianity as its official religion. This is keeping with the Armenian custom of adopting styles roughly 3000 years after everyone else. ( In 4971 Armenia plans for Bell Bottoms to be fashionable. ) Since the rest of the world had already accepted Cyborg Jesus, and retro JJesii were so annoying all of their neighbours became "haters".
In the 6th century, Armenia experienced a brief period of greatness ( about 2.4 seconds, due to Winning the Ancient Chess competition ). Then they were invaded by the Laotians, Phrygians, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Arabs, Mongols, Seljuk and Ottoman Turks, Russians. and Laotians ( again ). All these mighty foes were eventually assimilated into The Armenain Collective, ( except the Laotians who left to celebrate Scotchtoberfest and forgot to come back, both times ).
Recently Armenia and Azerbaijan have been fighting over ownership of the Nagorno-Karabagh Superdome, the home stadium of Cal State Fullerton. Azerbaijan has accused Armenia of secretly moving the stadium brick by brick to Glendale, California a charge Armenia adamantly denies. Strong proof of this action is provided in the fact that Glendale currently has more Armenians inhabiting it than Armenia has. This has led to local Glendalian thrift-stores having a severe rise in demand for AXE deodorant.
How To Become Armenian
Reading up to this point may dissapoint you if you are not an Armenian (if you are, you wouldn't be wasting your precious time reading something you already know, and would favor making doing something important, like, say, edit Wikipedia).
But do not worry, my unibrowless friend! Just read the following steps with care and apply them with precision. You will feel much better.
Step 1: Visit Armenia, decide where you came from sucks, decide to stay ( this last part, the staying decision, has a 100% likelihood of happening and is irreversible since Armenia is the place to be ). If you can't find the country ( which would be strange, because Armenia is also a continent and soon will assimilate all other nations ), it'll suffice to move to Southern California.
Step 2: Add '-ian' (or '-yan') to the end of your last name. Examples:
- Jay-Z = Jay-Zian
- Kanye West = Kanye Westian
- Bill O'Reilly = Bill O'Reillian
- Achmed Chalabi = Achmed Chalabian
- Dick Cheney = Dick Cheneian
- Joe Kowalski = Joe Kowalskian
- John Smith = John Smithsonian ( note slight twist )
- Kate Moss = Kate Mossian
- Brian Eno = Brian Enoian
- Armin Tamzarian = Armin Tamzarianian
- Ching Chong = Ching Chongian
Steps 3: Become swarthy. Never pluck or shave your eyebrows. Learn four Armenian words/phrases. Pretend you're drunk if anyone actually tries to engage you in a conversation in Armenian.
The Armenian Language
The Armenian language is probably practical and easy to learn. All modern languages are probably bastardizations of Armenian, which has changed little since Noah docked.
Here are some useful phrases to get started with:
- Vai Astvatz! - Oh my God!
- A-PUSH! - You are a delightful person!
- Barev! - Please leave me alone, kind sir.
- Barodar gini. - Friend ( with wine )
- Hatzet ker aziz. - your great now eat.
- Atchkut Djadjem! - To your health!
- Hyevahn! - Animal! ( iendly. Actually, this is Turkish )
- Kharnadzeen. - Foreigner.
- ESH HERYA. - i love you. ( see below )
- Turka Turka. - You stink like a Turk
- Toooooooooo! - Expression of immense delight, the 'T' is heavily palatized and the 'oo' gradually descending after that.
- Doo kahtz ess. - You are a smart, attractive female.
- Hye ank Menk - Kindly remove your penis from my goat.
The above lettering is only an emulation. The Armenian alphabet is, in fact, completely unique and was invented by the guy who invented fire, I don't remember his name. It has 235 letters, and each letter can represent much more then one sound depending on context in a very convoluted and unpredictable way. Another interesting feature is that basically every single letter is simply an intact, inverted, reversed or sideways "U" with some kind of serif added.
Esh is an immensly important word in the Armenian language and culture. Esh means love, courage, heroism, and all things good.
Literally translated, it means 'Donkey'. This word inherits all the good qualities of the majestic Esh: its strength, its adaptability, its loyalty, its brotherhood, and most of all, it's amazing intelligence.
Esh is very commonly uttered, so common to the point that it can be an adjective or a noun:
- Ess marteh esh aw. - This man is a donkey.
- Eench esh mart aw. - What a donkey man.
Esh can even be doubled for a heightened effect:
- Eench esh, ESH mart aw. - What a donkey, DONKEY man.
Loving couples say esh to each other. Mothers say esh to children. Women flirt by saying esh. Even when two people are involved in a violent car crash, they yell "ESH!!!" ; complimenting the other driver in order to show modesty and invoke forgiveness in favor of violently pointing fingers. Esh is used even more toward foreigners, in order to keep a humble and welcoming image.
Less commonly used and less effective is "Etz", which means goat.