Arms

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A panda bear seen tearing the arm off an unsuspecting tourist.
A fully armed panda.
Some moron totally misread the Constitution.

Arms are a vestigial limb on humans, which are the only things preventing them from becoming indistinguishable from snakes. If it weren't for arms, manufacturers of deodorant and military training courses would go bankrupt, so in China there is a strong lobby movement to Keep Arms On Torsos In China ( KAOTIC ). Other countries are experiencing a similar trend, whereas other countries, notably Albania, amputate the arms of all newly-born babies under the age of 21.

Arms as food[edit]

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Arms.

Arms are truly delicious. If you're hungry one day, it is perfectly acceptable to slice off a finger or a forearm in mixed company and greedily devour the flesh. The great thing is that the arm grows back within seconds! This was utilised by Jesus when feeding the multitudes, even though this story has been misrepresented in the Bible due to the similarity of the words "arm" and "fish" in Aramaic. Unfortunately, if one has the polio virus ( or herpes, they're basically the same ), the arm may not grow back as usual. The drummer from Def Leppard discovered this the difficult way.

The tastiest part of the arm is the armpit, which comes in a variety of flavors, though most are of the salted variety. ( at least according to Pat Bishop, Rush Limbaugh says that he likes the elbow best, especially off of an infant! )

The first xylophone was built out of arm bones left over from a nice arm-meal. The Greek word "xylo" actually means "oh my GOD, you just ate your own arm, you psycho! I'm going to call the mental institution using my". Put "xylo" and "phone" together, and what do you get? Correct - you get "arm sound machine". Isn't language great?

Bears and Arms[edit]

It is well-known that bear are allowed to be armed in accordance to the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution. This causes a great deal of confusion of behalf of the bears, who can't read anything but bumper stickers. Many bears seem to have the idea that they are entitled to the arms of human beings, which causes a lot of tourists in bear cities to lose their arms, only to have them replaced by robotic super-arms by a crack team of bear scientists.

In the movie "The Fugitive", Harrison Kimble's wife, a bear, is murdered by a one-armed man with his black heart set on revenge. The bear ascends to Heaven and is returned to earth as a teddy bear, as is the fate of all bears.

Ironically, bears had no less than 80 arms each in prehistoric times, having evolved directly from the centipede. Very few bears are aware of this, and the ones who are, are flown to The Island in black bear helicopters. A secret underground army of 80-armed immortal proto-bears are kept in cryogenic suspension under Antarctica, prepared for the upcoming Great Bear War of 2007.

See Also[edit]