Ashlee Simpson

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ashlee Simpson.
Ashlee Simpson, moments after the Autofellatio front cover shoot. She was quoted as exclaiming, "I'm melting."

Ashlee Simpson, Known for heartfelt lyrics like "you make me wanna la la", and losing her vote for becoming President of the United States after she was caught making love to the ballot box, is worshipped in several Third World counties for bringing the gift of World Peace to all of mankind. She likes to spread the message of lesbianism all over the world. She likes to watch BDSM and is commonly the gimp in various videos she is the guy who fucked Paris Hilton in a homo erotic video. Simpson won her first Emmy for her outstanding live karaoke performance on Saturday Night Live. She holds the current US patent for cold fusion, was a pioneer in the development of practical applications of nanotechnology, and can quote almost anything written prior to 1927 by heart, a trait her friends refer to as "a little show-offish at times". She has memorized all 6248 digits of pi, and has mastered the art of pretend singing and art of hair-chameleon.

As a member of the Royal family she is in order of succession. After losing the presidential run she was assassinated by Press Secretary Avril Lavigne.


The Black Metal Days[edit]

At the age of 12, Ashlee auditioned for the lead vocalist spot in popular black metal band Satyricon. After 45 hours of non-stop sexual intercourse with both original bandmembers, 5 other unknown people ( of which might possibly be Trevor Strnadt ) and a chimpanzee, she was granted a back-up vocalist role during live performances. Ashlee later on declined the offer and claimed she only used them to lose her virginity and steal their desired dark powers. After gaining her dark powers she went on to found her own black metal band Asharoth including members from Technical Death Metal band Cradle of Filth ...but later on left the band and also claimed she was using them, but for no apparent reason. Ashlee, when responding to questions about that, was quoted saying "uh...yeah...pff, black metal fags, right?" a long awkward silence after her answer was noted.

Her Hardcore Antics[edit]

After seeing over twenty-thousand pop-punk music videos, Ashlee thought it would be a fantastic idea to pretend she was Ms. Lavigne. Despite how Avril herself was a poser, Ashlee is too thick in the head to understand the true meaning and sound of punk. In honor of her copycat antics, she painted her nails black, dyed her hair black ( although she dyed it blonde again ), and started wearing poser jewelry and outfits, that made her think she was the punkiest thing alive.

Ashlee about to melt...

To seperate herself from her mentally disabled sister, Jessica Simpson, she kept trying to persuade critics that she was totally more hardcore than her, despite her music being just as poppy. Ashlee has a tendency to mock her sister's ability to not act as if she's punk, and yet act like they are the best of friends. Her hypocrisy was fully noted by all angsty emo teens, as they copied off her actions pretending to hate their parents and siblings for not being 'original' or 'unique'.

When not just screaming into the mic pointlessly to only have her voice edited to sound on-key for her albums, Ashlee is found head-banging to her hardcore punk-influenced albums. Her favorite own song is Autobiogrophy, which despite how no one would anyway, her lyrics lead to believe that people really WOULD ask her for her autobiography. However, no one gives a rat's ass.

Ashlee's other influences include the hardcore singles of death metal rocker Hilary Duff, and her clueless Christian-goth sex slave Joel Madden of Good Charlotte. She also has quite a huge worship to other pop punk bands like Fall Out Boy and All-American Rejects, with an actual shrine in her closet dedicated to them and their hardcore punk music.

When listening to too much pop punk, Ashlee has transformed into the mutant monster better known as an emo kid, and slits her wrists then sells her blood on eBay. She's not only had obvious surgery on her nose, but it's been reported that millions of times doctors had to remove the razors she shoved up her own vagina, thus proving the shocking fact that she ISN'T a transvestite afterall.

After the Saturday Night Live incident, Ashlee had created a new album to change her appearance. Deciding that goth was the new punk, she put on heavy-duty eyeliner and wore frilly black gothic lolita dresses, in attempt to being known as a hardcore goth with her completely dark and gothic single, "( I Didn't Steal Your ) Boyfriend".

Just like her idol Avril Lavigne, whom also has a place in her closet shrine, Ashlee had discovered that she'd more liked if she was just like Avril, and automatically copied off of Avril after she died her hair blonde and did the same to her black hair, despite how rad and hardcore it made her look.

Ashlee Simpson as a poor chiminee sweeper in the 'L.O.S.E.R' video clip

Jessica's break-up with her overly-horny ex-husband, Nick Lachey, whom no one knew who he was, was apparently Ashlee's fault, despite how Nick would attempt to run away from Jessica when she'd try to cook and end up burning all household pets, and try to commit suicide when she tried to use bondage on him, and realizing how deformed her boobs really were, when revealed. Ashlee apparently had a threesome affair with Nick and Lindsay Lohan, shockingly, another example of proof that Ashlee is apparently not a transvestite. Guilty about this, Ashlee started cutting herself, until Jessica told her to get over herself.

Ashlee Simpson also had a match at WWE's Wrestlemania XXX in 2056 where she fought her sister in a "Loser Can Never Sing Again" match. Ashlee would go on to lose the match after her mother and father, Pete Wentz, Nick Lachey, and Ryan Cabrera all interfeared on Jessica's behalf. While the audience cheered Jessica, they booed and heckled Ashlee and chanted profantiy remarks at her. As Ashlee Simpson walked out of the arena crying, the audience chanted "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye". Since she lost her record deal following the match and seeing that she could no longer sing in public as part of the stipulation of the match, Ashlee returned to Weirdo Texas to finally pursue her life's calling, as a frycook in her local McDonald's.

Today, Ashlee is said to be giving birth to her and Pete Wentz's baby boy on July 15, 2007. The child was born with two heads and one leg ( must take after her mother ). Later the night of July 17, the child ( which wasn't given a name ) died. Ashlee Simpson then later that night committed suicide after the dramatic loss of her two day old son, we call "No Name Wentz". Ashlee simpson is the antichrist her music if played backwards is like Led Zeppelins stairway to [[heaven]

Sound and Similar bands[edit]

Ashlee Simpson is mostly compared to a mix between Mathcore band The Red Chord and progressive metal band Dream Theater, only with more odd time signatures and guitar solos. She has collaborated with Alexi Laiho on many occasions and has also cited her as a main influence ( or was that Avril Lavigne? ). In any case, Ashlee has been nominated for best metal guitarist, bassist, lead singer, keyboardist AND drummer and has landed number one in each list. It has been speculated that she might be the greatest metal artist on earth, obviously because of her Viera heritage.

Fun Facts[edit]

Famous Simpsons
Jessica Simpson Homer Simpson
Bart Simpson OJ Simpson
Abe Simpson Ashlee Simpson
The Simpsons Lisa Simpson
  • Ashlee Simpson was first "discovered" by Record billionare Satan.
  • I dont remeber her on The Simpsons Cartoons...Is she even famous?
  • I would use her as a spoon or a fork maybe a knife too...
  • Her ancestors owned OJ Simpson's ancestors as slaves.
  • Her career in music was launched when her ass smashed the flannel shirt

guy's waffle guitar at a Paxil clowns show.

  • Causes over 56546 cases of cancer each year.
  • Was a former square dance caller/hollerer/gangster rapper.
  • You make her wanna lala -- in the kitchen, on the floor.
  • Was the first lesbian Iraqian Prime Minister
  • Attended DeVry Online ( one semester )
  • Is just as dumb as George W. Bush is.
  • Sister Jessica helped uncover the vast Chicken of the Sea conspiracy ( It says "chicken," but it's really fish ).
  • Her hair is actually Johnny Knoxville's pubic and ass hair
  • Has A Large Collection Of Used Chunky Soups.
  • Eats babies
  • Tried to take over the world in the 2005 McDonalds Revolution But failed as she started in Toronto, France, Canada. Fox News analysts predict better success next time when she'll get shitfaced in a wiener.
  • Once married to Osama Bin Laden
  • Once made an attempted murder on her sister Jessica
  • She is over 8 feet tall and grows one and one half inches every two weeks.
  • She is the great-granddaughter of 50 cent
  • Once sent to the hospital for [cid Reflux Disease. The doctors preformed an emergency Lobotomy, and saved her life. As payment, Ashley disastrously 'tried to do a little hoedown'.
  • Killed Kenny
  • Has six penises
  • Turned cats and dogs against each other.
  • Discovered and distributed crack cocaine
  • The Commonwealth of Kentuckistan demands her vocal cords be removed as a result of being used for "Cruel and Unusual punishment"
  • Known for living on the tails of coats
  • Humps Chlete Garwentz frequently
  • Is the reason for 9/11
  • Is the cause of global warming
  • Gave you AIDS
  • Has a Pokemon 2000 soundtrack CD
  • Plays with Pete Wentz's cocknballs.
  • Said that she was going out with famous football star Chris Spears, but Spears denied any rumors.
  • She ain't no hollaback girl
  • Known as the biggest worst-selling female artist of all time. Total worldwide sales from all 26 albums is estimated to be around 14.5
  • Born "Trashlee Simpson" but changed her name.
  • Screws rockstars in bathrooms on their birthday.
  • 94th member of the nWo but later kicked out by Triple H for taking the role of the guy with the huge nose.
  • Has a sex tape out, but nobody wants to watch it.
  • Is the 2nd stupidest living thing in the world only second to her sister Jessica.
  • Was born with a bird beak and a tail.

Surgery[edit]

Ashlee Simpson is a big advocate about being true to yourself, loving yourself inside ( sometimes 8 times a day ) and out ( damn, girl ), and not conforming to what the world says is beautiful. That being said, Ashlee Simpson has undergone plastic surgery on at least 15 occasions and is schedule for another operation this year.

Quotes[edit]

I wish I were Jessica Simpson.

~ Ashlee Simpson on her life

Who the hell is Ashlee Simpson?

~ Jessica Simpson on Ashlee Simpson

Put the lotion on its skin!

~ Ashlee Simpson on Jessica Simpson

I do not lipsync

~ Ashlee Simpson on herself

ACID REFLUX ACID REFUL ACID REFLUX *is shot by everyone*

~ Ashlee Simpson

Well....I guess even I make mistakes sometimes...

~ God on Ashlee Simpson

Wow, this is much better then hell!

~ Satan on Ashlee Simpson