Barack Obama

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Barack Obama.
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Barack Obama, seen here with the White House in the background. Notice the contrast between his black suit and the white building.

Barack Hussein Osama Obama is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the first and only to do so without the benefit of white skin. He was a perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing Kum-Ba-Yah. Obama served as an Illinois state senator from 1997 through 2004, and also had a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate before starting his successful campaign for the Presidency. Black coffee. In a white cup.

In his first year as President, his chief accomplishments were policies to stabilize the weak economy, some of which gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and a larger number of alarmed citizens. Critics claimed that Obama's authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responded with a curt, "That's double-plus-ungood" and by banning Fox News from the Press Pool.

Early life and career[edit]

The Obama family home in Georgetown.
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If you haven't yet made up your mind about Wikipedia, get a load of their kid-glove treatment of Barack Obama.

Barack Obama was allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961.

Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. His Kenyan father Kanye West had been raised as a Muslim, though later became an atheist. Obama spent the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, where he was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you. He also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also engaged in a correspondence course with the Soviet embassy.

Obama's experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."

In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity. Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue). As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.

After attending high school in Hawaii, Obama attended the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii. He graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. He then moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There Obama went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.

Senate career[edit]

The Brazilian derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.
Obama is seen here during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.

Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city. He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.

Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.

Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois, Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media. All media is liberal media tendency to let Americans run their own lives.

Barack Obama was the first president of... wait no.

Barack Obama wasn't... damnit!

Barack Obama was the 12th... ok what?

Barack Obama was the 44th black president... crap.

Barack Obama was the... wait a minute.

Barack Obama is the... that doesn't need italics...

Barack Obama, also known as Barack Osama (stupid terrorist) is the elected 44th President of Super America after it was deemed he was too superior for America. Barack not only made history in being the first black president, all previous presidents being dead, he was also given complimentary chocolate mints, a pack of popcorn and a can of lobster bisque soup - to try and cover up the fact that Super America has no friends and no power in the world. Obama's administration took out Bin Laden in 2011, with the tactic of telling the infamous terrorist that "you can stop hiding now, you won the game" proving successful.

Technically, Super America's just an office above an English pub in Chicago.

He's making some nice changes though. Apparently he just got in a new arcade machine.