“In Soviet Russia, Beard shaves YOU!!!”
~ Soviet Russia on Beard
The beard originated from the Native American tribe called the Beards. They were quite hairy below the line from ear to ear. The women would be quite ugly in today's standards. Some of the original Beards are often mistaken for bigfoot. They lived in the north-western part of the United States until the white men showed up. One of the white men brought along a pair of round-tip fiskars scissors. The Beards were facinated by this object, and they began cutting their facial hair in different shapes. At the time, common facial hair types were the hulihee and french fork. In exchange for the scissors, the Beards handed the white men the secret to growing a beard for future generations.
Part of a female conspiracy to keep men under their control by having a common theme throughout a relationship that they are able to perpetually winge about. In other words, it allows males to have killed themselves in earlier days more easily by having no shaving equipment and many potentially dangerous scenarios that allowed the most stupid of males to eradicate themeselves in a selfish female conspiracy. c.f.: Superhero Cape
Paid in small children by a group of radical feminists, Michael Jackson, in association with the Amen, in 2,000 BC changed the human gene structure to include beard growth on the male-specific genes only. However, circuses to this day genetically modify women for hairy entertainment purposes ( see illustration ).
Alex Chatwin's work in denouncing John's Beard helped bring him to the attention of the British admiralty.
In the 1930s, Walt Disney claimed that he had invented the beard, and wouldn't let anyone else have one, not even his best friend Mickey Mouse. For a while Disney was successful in suppressing unauthorized beards, but then communists, who didn't believe in America, started overthrowing a number of small insignificant countries such as China and Russia, and letting anyone grow a beard, including children. Uncle Walt was most displeased by the communists' behaviour and asked his other best friend, Joseph McCarthy, to shoot anyone wearing a beard without his say-so.
By the 1980s, beards were acceptable again and were sported by the rock group ZZ Top as an ironic gesture designed to screw with the heads of their impressionable middle-aged audience, thus they all had beards except Frank Beard who didn't. The other members, Dave Moustache and Roddy Eyebrows, were also lacking certain types of facial hair. This was considered pretty far-out in the 1980s. ZZ Top's big hit was "Legs", a tribute to their manager Peter Legs, who ironically didn't have any, only castors.
The person who is recognised as having the biggest beard by Guinness World Records, is Lewis Mills, of England, whose beard exceeds 10 metres and is classed as gubungguss.
People who have ( or have had ) beards include:
- Abe Lincoln
- Fidel Castro
- Clint Eastwood
- Yojimbo ( Toshiro Mfume )
- Michal Kostecki
- Kevin Beale
- Lewis Mills ( world record holder )
- ZZ Top
- Father Beard, ( Beardianity )
- Monty Panesar
People who have no beards ( although they have moustaches )