Bedford
From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Bedford is the 13th circle of hell, located in Bedfordshire, England. It was founded by Lucifer, Damien, my Mother, and Batman, during the Roman invasion in 3006 AD. The town was created to undermine communist ruling of England Prime Minister George W. Bush. It is also the Capital City of the Vatican.
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[edit] History
Bedford's early history is sketchy at best, mostly due to the fact that it does not exist. If you want to look up the history so far, close your eyes and spin around very fast. When you are finished, you shall know as much as we do. We suspect the history is hidden somewhere beneath Michael Moore.
However rumours persist the town was settled by "Bedmond The Unready" in 1382 with the help of the VisiGoths. Bedmond was expelled from Luton sometime around 1379 in the aftermath of the Punk Wars for "wearing too much eyeliner" and "being a bit gay". Some goths still remain to this day and can be found in The Bear public house located on the High Street.
[edit] Language
The language of Bedford is primarily Aramaic, due to the fact that Jesus Christ has absolutely nothing to do with it. It was chosen as the language for the simple fact it rhymed with "Cake". Some inhabitants do speak in Morse Code, but the Bedfordian Dialect means that it is spoken backwards, and therefore unintelligible.
[edit] Location
To locate Bedford, you need a pair of Silver Shoes: tap the heels together three times, and say out loud: "I want to go to a complete shithole". The taxi should arrive shortly ( we apologise for the delay ).
Unfortunately, this is a one-way journey and in order to leave you must sell your soul to the devil, or else beat him at a game of tiddlywinks ( luckily the Devil is a Loser ). Should you choose that latter you will have to leave a body part behind, and come back to claim it later ( at your expense ).
[edit] Name
The origins of Bedford's name is simple. Betty Ford, a French Symbologist, was terrificaly drunk one evening, which also happened to be the day of the naming ceremony for the as-yet-unnamed town ( until this point it was called "Atlantis" by the begrudging inhabitants ). While Betty Ford tried to name the town after herself, she was too intoxicated and it simply came out as "Beddyford", the signpost maker ran out of Ironing halfway through making the sign, and "Bedford" it became.
[edit] Recent
As of the 25th of May 2006, Bedford has been stolen by Ronald McDonald, who, according to trusted sources, plans to use the inhabitants as the solution to his latest ingredients shortage for his fast-food restaurant, Burger King.
Bedford Council are in the process of erecting a statue to former Prime Minister Bill Oddie made entirely of Rubies and soil. When questioned about the plans for the statue, a spokesman said "*Ppphhhtt*! You said Erecting!" and put the phone down.
