Ben Franklin

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Benjamin Franklin.


Benjamin Pierce Wanker Gates Franklin (January 17, 1706 - Now, man) was one of the most decadent, flashy and all-around electrifying figures in early American history. A well-known politician and scientist in his own time, inventor of the Time Machine and first man on the moon, he also invented Rock and Roll and had an extensive and shadowy criminal empire that stretched from upper New York down to West Virginia. Later in life, however, Franklin reformed. He became what some now believe to be a deity - watching over the world with his spectacles, large frame, and mostly bald head and making sure that all is well in the world. Unfortunately, those who do not have faith in him are likely to perish early in life.


As well as being a super-criminal and America's first mob boss, Franklin was an accomplished scientist, who made numerous advances in History, Physics (he invented electricity), Geology and Physiology. His repeated physical injuries of his enemies, such as cutting off their index fingers, gave him in-depth opportunities to examine the structures and parts of the human anatomy.

Perhaps the most well-known experiment is his electricity experiment, in which he managed to harness the power of electricity in his patented Electro-suit. Having spent part of his childhood studying and defeating the kite-eating tree, he decided to battle lightening in 1756 with a special kite and a super-suit made of a copper-zinc alloy. During a large thunderstorm, he navigated the kite into the wind and held onto the thin iron cable. Lightning struck and charged his Electro-suit to full capacity.

As described in his journal: "With fire flashing in my eyes and blue sparks tracking down the back of my suit, I faced my most brutal foe. Gripping my palm upright, I lashed out with the full force of nature. "

He was now able to use the power of electricity to control the world, which he continues to do today.

Among his many scientific accomplishments, Franklin succeeded in accomplishing his life's main goal: inventing the speedo. Franklin and his good friend Alexander Hamilton were locked for years in an intense scientific battle to see who could first invent this mind boggling piece of swimwear. Franklin, being a natural born winner, won this honor with flying colors. The longtime friendship between the two friends was never the same.

He is also the inventor of bifocals, the lightning rod, and slavery. In his Autobiography he writes "I was dirty when I invented slavery. My pockets were stufffed with shirts and stockings I stole from black people."

Benjamin Franklin is also credited with the invention of sheep. Upon his discovering the shavibility of a cat, he promptly removed it's hair and meticulously glued it to a sheep, thus yielding a sheep. Another of his lesser known accomplishments is the invention of the jacket. The first jacket ever worn by Franklin was a pair of ripped pants that he wore around his head. In a cruel prank played on Founding Father/Brewery tycoon Samuel Adams, he asked Adams to be the world's first bungee jumper. Adams was to jump off a cliff 250 feet off the ground, but Franklin gave him a bungee cord 300 feet long. The death of Samuel Adams instigated the world's first breathilizer, as it was believed that he was simply intoxicated

Benjamin Franklin also invented Kosher Salt, then later invented Kosher Bacon not made from a pig but from turkey instead. Originally he wanted to make the Turkey the USA's bird but was overruled by 99% of the founding fathers who chose the Bald Eagle instead. "But it is bald, and it threatens other nations with a bird that scary. The turkey is native to the USA and a noble bird." Franklin argued. Thomas Jefferson debated back "Mr. Franklin, the Pilgrims ate turkey at the first Thanksgiving, the turkey is an eating bird like a chicken, we don't want our population eating our national bird." so for revenge Franklin knew that Jefferson hated Jewish people so Franklin made Kosher Salt and Kosher Turkey just to piss off Jefferson. This made Jefferson so mad, he stopped believing in God and became an Atheist and made him write "The Jefferson Bible" that removed all religious and god references and then made the "separation of church and state" rule. Jefferson tried to troll Franklin by "Why don't you go fly a kite with a key attached to it in a thunder storm for a second time!" Which Franklin did and discovered that lightning was electricity and caught some in a home made battery he designed based on Greek design when they studied the electric eel. Franklin showed the battery to Jefferson, took two metal clips and attached them to Jefferson's testicles and shocked the hell out of him. "Never mess with a scientist, bitch!" Franklin said back to Jefferson.