Benito Mussolini

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Benito Mussolini.

The only thing I ever learnt from studying history, is that it makes Fascism a hell of a lot harder. I mean, people learning from their mistakes has taken all the fun out of tyranny.

~ Benito Mussolini on The study of History

I wish I had been him.

~ Lenin on Benito Mussolini

Benito Mussolini (Il douche) was the Fascist dictator of Italy during World War II. Bonito Mussolini was named after a kind of tuna fish. He was born in the year 1726 and died of natural causes 800 years later.

Early Life[edit]

As a lad, Mussolini was a crazy bastard. He dabbled in lots of drugs including pot, opium, Topps Trading Cards and cologne. He was in and out of first grade because of his various addictions to white glue and crayons. His parents did not know what to do with young Benny, so they sent him to become a Shaolin Monk and learn from great master Matt Orenstein. With his monk skills honed in training, he was groomed to become a politician.

Political Career[edit]

Benito Mussolini ( aka "Benny" ) started his political career by abolishing politics. This led to a strong victory in his first election, with Benny receiving 110% of the vote. Learning to hold his arms across his chest while mocking the rest of the world increased his voter support by another 115% percent. It is said however that Benito Mussolini used Assault team in the voting room forcing the Italian people, who loved him, not to vote him, because this could arose suspects

Dictator[edit]

Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie accused Mussolini of hax
A popular consumer product.

Benito aspired to re-create the Roman Empire, and began by invading the very places that made Rome a super power: Ethiopia and Albania. The campaign in Ethiopia was relatively easy, but he was accused of hax by Ethiopian emperor Haillie Sellasse.

He deployed the Italian Military into Albania, and several months later the unarmed country was successfully taken. This, however, put an enormous strain on the Italian forces. Mussolini, being the military genius that he was, chose to stay out of the major combat untill it was clear who would win. In 1940, he invaded Southern France after the French had surrendered. This military victory gave Mussolini the confidence he needed. He soon pushed into Greece, and suffered so many defeats that he needed Hitler to invade several countries just to get there to help.

In 1941, Mussolini drove his military into British held Egypt. Unfortunately, water and supplies were forgotten and the entire army was lost before a single British soldier was spotted.

Little else happened as far as Italy was concerned, untill it was invaded in 1943 by the United States. Mussolini ordered the army to depose the enemies. Within minutes, Mussolini was deposed and sent to jail. In his only phone call, he called Hitler and asked to be 'bailed out.' Soon enough, the German Army broke him out of jail, took over Northern Italy, and declared Mussolini the leader of this new Puppet State. This too soon ended, and Mussolini turned from his past ways and entered the Italian workforce.

Benito wore highly unfashionable clothing, and enjoyed purchasing plus sizes. He put on lots of cover up. He was really fat. And he sucked. A lot.

Later Life[edit]

Mussolini owned a successful Wine company

After retiring as supreme ruler of Fascist Italy ( for the second time ) good ol' Benito decided to embark on a career as a musician. For some with the determination of Mussolini lack of talent was no barrier. His major achievement was his collaboration with George Formby and The Communist Rebels to create the smash hit which was "Hanging from a Lamppost". He had moderate success but was eventually decided to try other venues. He created his own wine company in 1954, and went mainstream after his company was featured throughout Europe and the States. His new dream was to become Kojak, but he failed. He then moved back into the music business, and managed such famous groups as The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, as well as penning several songs for Johnny Cash. He continued to make wine as well as perform at stages all around the world to his adoring fans.

In 1976, Mussolini retired from the wine business, quit music, and entered television news. He went on tour and interviewed many including one specatular interview with his old friend Adolf Hitler over tea and crumpet in which Hitlar went on to personally apologize to the Muslims for not killing them along with the Jews, because they felt left out. In 1984 he died on the dance floor of the local "Pasta Inferno" disco. He had an extacy overdose and collapsed after 9 hours non-stop dancing to "Funky Town".

Thanks to the advances in technology, scientists working out of Bosnia-Herzegovnia are working hard on creating a new Mussolini, cloned from the DNA of one of Mussolini's pubic hairs. Although he did so many bad things, he tried to support the poor by giving out his wealth. He also gave some land to the farmers to try and make them be good. Even after all this, it was an invalid attempt, and he died. Everyone dies, so he also did.

No donut for you! No cookies, no crap, no NUTIN

Fun Facts[edit]

-Home town is New France, the town where August achieved its stardom

-People theorize that Mussolini went "undercover" in the late 1960's to practice his secret passion for music and dance. We know him better as Elvis

-Mussolini had plans to release his own brand of muesli, called Muesolini, but was forced to abandon the idea since the Pokemon Mew and Mewtwo had already created similar products.

-Benito Mussolini did not know how to swim, operate a cell phone, or throw a spiral.

-Unbeknown to many Mussolini was actually a dwarf, at only 3'4" he is The World's Smallest Dictator™.

-Benito ( or Benny as he was called by his close friends ) was the actual inventor of the internet, contrary to the popular belif of Al Gore.

-Benito Mussolini won the 1997 Academy Award for Best Director, for his documentary film Tuck Everlasting.

-Mussolini is the second greatest Italian plumber of all time ( fourth overall ), falling just short of Mario Mario

-Another rumour is that after his death, Mussolini was ascended to godhood bestowed upon him by Oscar Wilde who had become a staunch fan of his music.

-Mussolini is also a member of Anti-Norris

-Has written a book titled "Mussolini: The Fruitcake years".