“It's all about the Benjamins, yeah.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Benjamin Harrison
George Benjamin Brett Harrison ( August 20, 1733 – present ), better known as "Your Flubberness" and often "b-DAWg" was the 23rd, and worst President of the United States ( 1874 – 1870 ). Often known to eat twinkies during cabinet meetings, Harrison was the second fattest US President, next to William Howard Taft. Harrison was also known as the "centennial president" because he was already 100 years old when taking office.
Harrison was not born in a log cabin in Tennessee, and never walked 27 miles uphill just to return a library book. In fact, Harrison was born with several pieces of silver flatware protruding from his mouth. The nephew, and sometimes hunting-practice target of William Henry Harrison, himself a former president and charter NRA member, the Harrisons paved the way for future presidential duos, such as the current Bush dynasty.
Harrison was elected candidate for the now-defunct Meat-strappers party. He beat out heavy contenders Wm. Chas. Abbrev. and J. Longthworpe Smythinghamtonshire for the candidacy. Harrison campaigned on the infamous "Redskin Extermination" platform, garnering support against his opponent Grover Cleveland, whom he styled as a "bloodsucking heathen with all the presidentiality of steam powered locomotive."
Harrison won by negative 100,000 votes.
The Harrison administration is often referred to as the "Intergroverian Era", due to the fact that the jerk split Grover Cleveland's neat little two-terms in half. During his term, Harrison was unpopular, fat, pointless, and stupid. All of these plus nice facial hair were required for a good late 19th century president. A popular poem of the time went as follows:
Harrison usually always tops the list of "Most Forgetable Leaders", and often gets left off lists of presidents, since most people have never heard of him, and its looks silly to have Grover Cleveland on the list twice. Harrison is so non-notable, at the time many people didn't know he was even president, assuming Cleveland served three terms. His article on Wikipedia often gets put on Votes for Deletion due to non-notablility, often assuming people just made him up.
Harrison was well-unknown for his "annex the bloody bastards" foreign policy. During his administration, the US annexed Mexico, China, Ethiopia, Canada, parts of Venezuela, the UK, and Oz. After Harrison left office the US gave most of them back ( except Canada ).
Benjamin Harrison phast phun phacts!!!!
- Harrison prepherred the use oph "ph" to "f" during his administration. During his entire phour years the letter phailed to appear in ophicial documents.
- Benjamin Harrison is not George Harrison's brother ( but that would be kewl!!! )
- Contrary to what Al Gore says, Benjamin Harrison actually invented the internet, but back then it had lots of cogs and steam and wood 'n' stuff.
- Benjamin Harrison was the first ( but certainly not last ) president to play frisbee golf with the presidential china.
- Harrison was a reknowned tansvestite and often would frequent Washington's infamous Taverne for the Usage of Gentlemen Who Prefer the Wearage of Corsets and Petticoats.