Bilbo Baggins

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo is spending a lovely night at home doing bong hits when there's a knocking at his door. No sooner does he answer then he's hit in the head with a cudgel and shoved into a burlap sack. Later, upon awakening, the hobbit found himself surrounded by a bunch of mandolin-wielding dwarves. The wizard Gandalf was also there and explained that these were the only dwarven bards in the whole of Middle Earth, shunned by all the rest of the dwarves, who refuse to take levels in any class other than fighter or cleric. They were on their way to jack some dragon for his treasure, planning to use the funds to start their own bardic college, when after a couple of random encounters they realized that a party composed entirely of dwarven bards is completely useless. They've already recruited Gandalf with promises that he has dibs on all the magic items, but still needed a thief, which Bilbo obviously was since he was a halfling. Bilbo couldn't argue with this, and after being hit in the head with mandolins for several minutes happily agreed to join their quest, in exchange for full party shares of treasure for himself and his donkey.

From that point on they had many boring adventures, including, but not limited to:

  • The encounter with trolls, wherein many of the dwarven bards were eaten. Bilbo mostly just watches, but afterwards enacts a daring rescue plan that involves getting the trolls stoned. Unfortunately, this gives the trolls the munchies, and they eat the rest of the dwarven bards. Gandalf casts Melf's Acid Arrow at the trolls until they die, and then he and Bilbo drag what's left of the dwarves to the nearest temple to get raised, after having grabbed all the best treasure for themselves.
  • The encounter with goblins, wherein the peaceful and friendly creatures invite the party into their community, only to have Gandalf kill their king for the experience points. The dwarves lay into the rest of the unarmed goblins with their mandolins, and somehow Bilbo is pushed into a well/cesspool. After being deposited in the goblins' sewer, Bilbo meets a pathetic, old, subterranean hermit, who offers to join Bilbo in a friendly riddle game. Bilbo agrees, and then promptly proceeds to cheat the hermit out of all of his possessions, and kicking him in the crotch before running off laughing. This nets him the one ring those other books go on about, but to this day he swears he found it in a Cracker Jack box.
Bilbo maliciously enjoying kicking Gollum in the balls.
  • Gandalf leaves the party to solo, and soon after they're arrested by the wood elves for setting forest fires. In an amazing display of thuggery, Bilbo carries out his plan to free the dwarves, which involves shady lawyer practices, grassroot campaigns denouncing the dwarves' imprisonment, heartwarming 'triumph of the dwarven spirit' TV movies, but mostly getting the elven screws at the prison drunk and then crotch kicking them into submission.

Finally, the group reaches the dragon's lair where Bilbo covers the remaining dwarven bards in arsenic and tricks them into charging the dragon so that they may 'set up the sneak attack' for him. The dragon eats all of the bards and goes off on an after dinner flight, before the poison finally kicks in and kills it, resulting in the corpse crashing into and destroying a nearby laketown. Bilbo laughs while loading up his mule with treasure, and that's when Gandalf returns in a cheesy puff of smoke. He joins the hobbit in laughing at the carnage, and then collects his share of the loot before taking off. In the end, Bilbo rides back to his rat hole, richer than sin, and returns to his simple life of pipeweed fueled debauchery.