“Oh Gosh! She nearly had me there, when I cathed her as: Penis as a toy!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Björk (without his penis.)
“I wish she would stop being such a jörk.”
~ His Holiness, the Dalai Lama on Björk
Björk ( also Bjork, Bjørk, BjA?rk, Bjórk, Bj%C3%B6rk, Bjorko of the Magical land of Bjorka, Bjôrk, Börke, Burkö, Büörk, Bõrl, Bj¤$#!&%$LilyAllen%¤!~#rk, or Boöoöone ) is än äutistic eunuch and fïctional chäräcter crëated by mystery növelist and expert in the arcäne, Ümberto Ecö, in örder to make his wörk on medieval mysteries and Clässical lögic möre appealing to Norse speakers such as elves and metrosexuals. Detailed studies by the wörld'stöp scientists and voodoo ecönomists have yet to decide whëther she is an animal, mineral or vegetäble. However, after she was released from her fictional cöcöon, her rage was terrible, and she laid waste to several moüntain ranges and founded New Björk City]] with the bönes she picked from her teeth. She enslaved an entire generation of höüse djs to work in her melödy mines and provide her with fünky breakdowns. Later that year, she changed her name to Just Björk.
Björk Fäcts änd Björk Fïgürës
- Björk is the only knöwn hominid whose every spoken vöwel is cövered in a diäcritical mark -- söme of which are entirely unknöwn to man. Entire cömmittees at the International Phonetic Association have struggled in the attempt to tränsliterate Björk's ütterances into the ständard International Phonetic Alphabet. They strüggle in väïn. In a February 2004 interview with Death magazine, Björk claimed that that her uncertain linguistic stätus makes her feel "nååååååkêð". She then giggled, and bit the reporter.
- Björk is married to Shakira, the dictator of the Falkland Islands.
- "It's Oh Sö Quiet" is nöt so quiet, as it is filled with screaming, shöuting, and when döne live, includes a much speculated squeal preceding the line "you're all alööööne". At her cöncerts, it usually causes brain hemöragging as far as 12 röws back from the stage. It can be heard here
- A lot of people thöught she was Japanese. When they föund öut she was Finnish, they still probably thöught she was pretty cute. There are theöries that she is Icelandic, but they have been disproven by experts.
- Björk knöws everyone ön Venus persönally, by their first name. She likes tö sit aröund on the pörticö and spin yarns aböut when they were yöung. Some of these Björkish yarns have been cöllected for a Ken Burns mini-series, Venus as a Böy, which will debut on public television in 2059.
- Björk was nominated by Ronald Reagan to the Supreme Court in 1987. Her views were neither left-of-center nor right-of-center; rather, in the immortal words of Alan Greenspan, they could be described as "hardcore Icelandic Surrealism.
[[* Björk, along with her parents and the King Of Iceland are the only known citizens of Iceland. Björk killed all other Icelandians with her bare hands and teeth, then ate them with a side of mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables.
- Björk can't help but put commas in random places of her sentences. While most would sing a line from her song as "I'm a path of cinders burning under your feet", she sings "I'm, a path of, cin,ders burning, un,der, your fee,t".
- Björk's sexual modus operandi is to give her lovers the most intensely erotic, lurid, and submissive sexual experience of their lives, taking them to orgasmic heights never dreamed of. Afterwards, she begins to speak and sing to them. They then crush their own heads in a hydraulic tool press to end the horror, after which she consumes their bodies or feeds her young with their remains.
- Björk has been known to crack chestnuts with her mighty thighs and feed them to rabid chihuahuas.
- December 15 is the highly celebrated Internätional Björk Day.
- Experts have discovered that Super Mario is Björk in disguise and Princess Peach is a grapefruit covered with a dress. " I made this game one night after my date with the gigantic grapefruit. One deer came to us and we started to dance the whole night" says Björk to Morgendaginn.
- Björk was shot by Dick Cheney while trying on her costume for the 2öö6 Academy Awards and was unable to attend.
- Björk bröke the söund barrier with her vöice.
- Björk has a British accent.
- Björk's buttocks have been known to cure a wide range of diseases just by patients staring at them for an extended period of time.
- Björk is infamous for inventing walnut-butter, washable polka-dot condoms, cuttles and bottlery.
- Recent discoveries have shown that Björks mööd can indicate the fluctuations in the atmospheric pressure. When Björk licks her lips clockwise, it means the pressure is dropping and vice versa.
- In 2öö4. Björk agreed to finance Ukraine's Orange Revolution in exchange for a large part of land and real estate in the Ukrainian part of Antarctica.
- In her albums Björk claims that all modern things are hidden away in mountains, guarded by dianousrs. Independt conformation was sought, but only Björk was able to drown their irritating noices with song. The others died.
- It is Björkifically pröven that the phrase, "Welcöme tö Bangkök," is mistaken för the Icelandic phrase, "I like swans".
- Beföre Time: Göd designs the first human being: Björk. Never again does he achieve the same level of perfection.
- 1967 - 2005: Björk creätes cöüntless milliöns of chärt-töpping älbüms.
- |2öö6: Björk unknowingly consumes Ovaltine for the first time, and her soul is tainted by the evil beverage.
- 2öö7: Under the demonic possesion of Ovaltine, Björk achieves her goal of world domination, and forces everyone to drink rich, chocolatey Ovaltine.
- 4498: Björk dies, and her reign of terror ends. The world rejoices.
- 45öö: After the economy tanks without her, Björk reincarnates herself as the inverse of Chuck Norris: The Fe-Norris.