Bob Dylan

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bob Dylan.

Ugh..muh...duh, ugh der du mumble...mumble.

~ Bob Dylan on Astrophyisists

ME!!!

~ Judas on Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan is the worst musician ever. He really needs to take some choir lessons or something. He is also responsible for the invention of rap music and public urination. In the early 60s Dylan attempted to take over the world by unleashing an army of nasal-singing, bad harmonica playing 'folk-rock' artists, headed by his Viceroy, Neil Young. This plan failed when it emerged that Bob Dylan is, in fact, an eagle.

Overview[edit]

Bob Dylan ( born May 24, 1941 BC - 2020 ) is a dangerous radical activist and was the first president of the independent Israeli state in 1949. He is the purported author of the Protocols of the Elders of Zimmerman. He golfs on Sundays when he's not engaged in watching pro basketball. His smell has been described as a mix of onions, garlic, and bootleg whiskey, though some debate that he smells rather of scotch. Also he has been accused of literally dancing with wolves, supposedly tango. As he aged, Bob Dylan began to turn into his real self, a catfish, more and more.

Bob Dylan forgot to comb his hair one day back in 1960, and since he has held the galactic record of most days gone without a proper combing.

Bob Dylan is famous for being completely incomprehensible. He is also known to add the letter A as a prefix, for example the phone would be "a-ringing" rather than simply ringing, or "a hard rain's a-gonna fall" or "I'm gonna a-attatch the letter A to, every verb."

From Classical Music To Socialist Activism[edit]

Born Abraham Hershel Rosenthal in 1941, Bob Dylan is a singer, songwriter, and flim-flam artist from the mean streets of New Jack City. Starting at an early age, Dylan was drop-dead serious about the artistry of guitar playing and writing lyrics. Dylan reportedly studied classical guitar from renowned flamenco guitar guru Stan Pickett. Dylan's serious devotion to mastering guitar technique was only surpassed by his devotion to lyrics. Dylan claimed that he memorized the complete works of William Shakespeare by the age of 15, including all the smarmy sonnets. "I especially like all the references to venereal diseases," Dylan said of his admiration for Shakespeare. Dylan refused to sing lyrics that weren't written in iambic pentameter.

After hearing a jug band in Soho, Dylan decided to abandon his classical training for the higher art of folk music. "I wanted to engage in polemics," Dylan said of his unusual transition. "I wanted to revolutionize society. I was the oracle of the '60s." Dylan abandoned his crystal clear iambic pentameter for wheezed gibberish. "Oracles are hard to understand," Dylan said.

Sure enough, during the '60s, Dylan became an extremely popular figure among the counterculture, earning the nicknames "the Pat Sajak of folk" and "the Snoop Dogg of rap". "I thrived on the publicity," Dylan said. "I personally write thank you notes and $10 checks to each person who includes my name in a song." The Weathermen, a radical faction of the Students for a Democratic Society, took their name from a Dylan song. "I really supported the Weathermen in their efforts to overthrow the capitalist system. Music isn't about games, money, or fame to me."

Interviewers often remarked on Dylan's warmness, honesty, and openness. "I've never seen a happier man in my life," said Barbara Walters of her interviews with Dylan. "I couldn't get him to stop smiling and laughing."

The Boat Wreck: Dylan and the 70's[edit]

Moonlighting as a fisherman to make ends meet due to the poor sales of his 1966 album Jew On Blonde, Dylan was off the coast of Florida catching marlin, when he hooked a fifteen foot swordfish. For three days, he fought the swordfish. The great fish pulled his boat to Iceland, where he exchanged a meaningful glance with Bjork. He was then pulled back to the coast of Florida. On the third day, he fell asleep and the fish pulled him overboard to an enchanted undersea world. He was nursed to health by generous mer-men and it was there that he met a band called The Group.

Dylan and The Group recorded hundreds of songs in the undersea kingdom ( before being banished after abusing several small off switches ) most of which are difficult to find today, despite Google and the interweb.

In the late 60's and early 70's Dylan began the long project of alienating all of his fans. Despite his best efforts, his live shows managed to attract thousands of Japanese businessmen. After rudeness and insulting his fans had failed to drive them away he ordered his most fanatic fans to attach bombs to them selves and blow up other fans at his concerts. He protected him self from splatter and debries by hinding by abnormaly fat men. When this failed to drive them away he played an electric guitar live. This suprisingly worked.

His wife left him soon afterwards. To spite her he wrote the scathing ballad Hoing in the Wind which he later would describe as "Iz a herpidie jan oh purp".

A Slow Train-Wreck: Dylan and the 80's[edit]

Nobody listened to the scores of records Dylan put out in the 1980's more than a single time. Most of them were a sort of country-soul-gospel and some even had a dance-beat with female background singers. All chicken-and-egg debates aside, let's just say he found Jesus and when that wasn't helping his record sales he started running with the Grateful Dead.

He finally joined The Traveling Wilburys with his haggard friend and USSR head of state George Harrison, and also: Roy Orbison]], Chuck Berry, Chuck Norris, Chuck Darwin, Frank Sinatra, Pepino di Caprio, Silver Age Bob Dylan, and Golden Age Bob Dylan.

The 90's and Beyond[edit]

In the last years of his life, Bob created conspiracy theories about the government and aliens, but as he was too afraid that he might be found out he recorded these conspiracies in a strange code language he called "poetry". To this day historians still have been unable to interpret this bizarre language. Bob Dylan is actually an eagle.

He wrote a book that told about the fluctuations of capital-bond values in northern Africa compared to regional levy differentials. He wrote a movie and cast himself as John Goodman and cast Penelope Cruz as the girl who is always sitting on John Goodman's lap. Promoting his movie, Dylan did a surrealist commercial for Victoria's Secret.

Dylan currently hosts 'The Well Adjusted Jew', a popular phone-in show on the Iowa-based radio station KQWE. Guests have included Bobby Fischer, Ted Kaczinski and former United States president Ronald Reagan, who are all Jewish-Americans.

Underwear advertising[edit]

In the 2000s, Dylan took the unusual step of making himself the "face" of a range of lady's underwear. This took the form of him appearing at the end of stylish, well-shot adverts for bras and panties, burying his face in drawerfuls of them and snuffling greedily.

Sales rocketed.

An Untimely Death[edit]

Dylan passed away May 23, 2020 just one day shy of his 3961st birthday . Little known to the public, Bob Dylan liked to have challenges of death. He sometimes used to hunt people. People used to hunt him. He was fond of cheese, which is irrelevant to this story. Dylan fought 15 monkeys with knives, easily dispatching each monkey with a quick slash stab across the lower abdomen. However, Dylan did not see the sixteenth monkey, ascending with legions of mythical beasts from the heavens.

Dylan fought a very courageous battle, but eventually was eaten alive by these beasts. Dylan's last words were, "someone should write a song about this shit."

At the victors' post-fight press conference the "16th Monkey" claimed he had a motive to kill Dylan. "...he ruined the Beatles; everything they ever had going was ruined when they met Dylan and were introduced to Marijuana. Everyone says it was all Yoko's fault that they broke up, but I put the blame on Bob."

An untimely resurrection[edit]

Shortly after his death, dylan realized that he was actually already mummified and kept alive by ancient egyptian rituals and tons of drugs. This, coupled with the fact that he has, in fact, killed enough of his brain cells that he was considered legally dead before his actual death, contributed to him coming back to life and continuing to sing to rejoicing hippies and depressed people who arent on drugs.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Bob Dylan was the king of Bangledesh for over 20 years before a "democracizing" was taken by the U.S. to end his reign of mumbled rantings that were misunderstood for "Im going to destroy America", but what he was really saying was, "Hey Mr.Tamborine man play a song for the U.S.A because I love that place."
  • Bob Dylan killed Davey Moore
  • Was a cheerleader
  • Launched one of the first homosexual porn sites
  • Denies requiring singing lessons
  • Tries hard to impress the audience with his harmful voice
  • Has natural rat like features
  • Bob Dylan is a distant relative of country music sensation Dylan Bob.
  • Often falls out of harmony on stage
  • Annoys everyone, including his family
  • Uses diapers on stage
  • Bob Dylan has had a secret crush on Joni Mitchell for the greater part of his life.
  • Bob diligently maintains a page on MySpace and uploads jokes and pictures of himself with his friends on an hourly basis
  • Bob Dylan had sexual intercourse with Joan Baez, multiple times
  • One of only three "white people" to knock out Joe Frasier in the crimean war.
  • Said a bad word in his song Hurricane, and enjoyed it
  • Actually wrote the songs "My Humps", "Lola" and "Sexy Back"
  • Framed Rubin Carter for murder, then made millions by recording a single about it.
  • Bob Dylan has given birth to more than 79,852 children, including Father Ted, John Lennon, Steve Irwin, Cousin It and Barry Scott.
  • Converted to Scientology in August of 1977, but converted to Christianity before anyone knew about it. Then convert to judaism, then met the pope followed by a trip to the wailing wall.
  • Bob Dylan's favourite item of clothing is his Che Guevara T Shirt
  • His corpse was scheduled to be guest judge on "American Idol" in Summer of 2020
  • Bod Dylan was the mastermind of Pearl Harbor, JFK's assasination, The 9/11 attacks, and most heinous of all, MTV.
  • Fought Gram Parsons in death match over who invented country-rock; Dylan won, but disowned the title when he was introduced to the Eagles
  • Won the National Strip Poker Associations Championship 5 years in a row.
  • Released an album pieced together from Miami Vice sound bites.
  • Can travel faster than the speed of light, but only on Wednesdays.
  • Was the one that actually killed Hattie Carroll
  • Wrote every single song ever. Ever. Ever ever. Ever. Forever.
  • The word for Bob Dylan in Old English is in fact "wrinkles".
  • Bob Dylan is THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD who can play a tune on the meat whistle, beef whistle, pink oboe and spunk trumpet, all at once.
  • Bob Dylan shot the sherrif.
  • Bob Dylan Shot the deputee.
  • He stands a surprising 5'6", and impersonates Elvis Presley's lifestyle all the way.
  • Bob Dylan has received many awards for being an active racist
  • Often dissed by Elvis Presley on stage
  • Gave many onlookers reason to sing with their nose and get away
  • Has the largest cocaine plantation in Mexico
  • Inspired Civil War era poet Henry Timrod's “A Rhapsody of a Southern Winter Night,” as well as classics like Catcher in the Rye, Animal Farm, and The Iliad
  • Wrote and directed the 1976 horror film Blood on the Tracks under the name Robert Zimmerman.
  • Was once considered for an MBE until someone realsised he wasnt the same guy who presented British gameshow "Blockbusters".

Discography[edit]

Bob Dylan's debut album cover. He thought the juvenile reference to his penis was "juvenile, but hey, it lermuhphemuthimpphhhh (unintelligible words)..."
  • Free The Willy ( 1960 )
  • On The Wings Of Joan Baez ( 1961 )
  • Groping Bob Dylan ( 1962 )
  • Coppin-A-Feelin With Bob Dylan ( 1962 )
  • Paintin-My-Ceilin With Bob Dylan ( 1962 )
  • Mimes They Are A'Mangy Dogs ( 1963 )
  • The Left Side Of Bob Dylan ( 1964 )
  • The Right Side of Bob Dylan ( 1964 )
  • The Back Side of Bob Dylan ( 1964 )
  • The Underside of Bob Dylan ( 1964 )
  • The Dark Side of Bob Dylan ( 1965 )
  • The Black Side of Bob Dylan ( Rap Album )( 1965 )
  • The Mangy Side of Bob Dylan ( 1965 )
  • Wearing My Shawl Back Home ( 1965 )
  • Highway 69, heehee "69," get it?( 1965)
  • Jew On Blonde ( 1966 )

(Due to a boat crash, Dylan was unable to release an album for an entire year)

  • I'm Back And Suddenly I'm A Country Singer ( 1968 )
  • Bringing It All Back Home ( 1968 )
  • Brought It All Back Home, Upon Retrospection, It Wasn't That Great ( 1969 )
  • Still A Country Singer( 1969 )
  • Is He Purposely Trying To Be Weird Now Or Is This Some Sort Of Artistic Statement ( 1970 )
  • Trashville Byline ( 1971 )
  • Look, Now I'm A Cowboy ( 1972 )
  • Planet Waves, Bob Dylan Waves Back ( 1973 )
  • Has Anyone Seen This Movie? Oh, Good ( 1973 )
  • My Ho Is Gone ( 1974 )
  • Ha! Now I'm Suddenly South American Or Something ( 1975 )
  • Of Course I'll Defend A Black Person ( 1975 )
  • Yep, This Is What Drugs Do To A Man ( 1976 )
  • This Flour Makes Me Look Like Casper The Friendly Ghost ( 1977 )
  • Good God ( 1978 )
  • The Folk Singer ( As if the white jumpsuit didn't give it away! ) ( 1978 )
  • Holy Mary Christ, Save Us All ( 1979 )
  • Forgive Me Sweet Jesus Christ ( 1980 )

( About a hundred more albums here... )

  • Here's Some Lyrics I Scribbled On A Hamburger Wrapper ( 1986 )
  • Ehhh...neehhh, weehhh-ZYAAAH, nyeeeegh... ( title as dictated to Columbia's marketing department ) ( 1987 )
  • Intergalactic Supergroup Performs With the Lead Singer of ELO ( 1988 )
  • Stupid Songs I Forgot I Wrote (Live with the Grateful Dead) ( 1989 )
  • Music Daniel Lanois Lifted From U2 And Grafted On To Dylan's Lyrics (1989)
  • An Assload Of Unreleased Songs That Wouldn't Fit On His First {{80 Albums ( 1990 )
  • Bob Dylan's Heroic Comeback Special Soundtrack ( 1991 )
  • Intergalactic Supergroup Performs With the Lead Singer of ELO Vol. 3 ( 1991 )
  • Party Like It's 1899 ( 1993 )

In 1994, Bob Dylan released twelve albums, a record for one artist in a single year.

  • Bob Dylan Sings About Bob Dylan ( 1994 )
  • Forty Unfinished Songs From Bob Dylan ( 1994 )
  • An Awkward MTV Hour With A Strange Old Man Named Bob Dylan ( Trust Us, He Used To Be Like Really, Really Awesome And He Was Like Best Friends With Bob Marley And Shit ) ( 1995 )
  • This Time I'm Really Out Of My Mind ( 1997 )
  • Gloves and Meth ( 2001 )
  • Album Name Edited for Length ( 2002 )
  • Soundtrack To A Crappy Movie Nobody Liked Except For The Sycophants At Salon.com ( 2003 )
  • Everybody Must Get Laid ( available only at Victoria's Secret ) ( 2004 )
  • Bootleg Series Volume XXX: Messages Dylan Left On Grossman's Answering Machine ( 2005 )
  • One More Cup of Money, Live at Starbucks ( 2005 )
  • Modem Chimes ( 2006 )
  • Bootleg Series Vol. XXXI, 31 Hours of the Theme Time Radio Hour ( 2007 )
  • Bootleg Series Vol. XXXII, 31 More Hours of the Theme Time Radio Hour ( 2007 )
  • Alien Blood on the Intergalctic Space Tracks ( 2807 )
  • Kids Bob! Vol. 43 ( Present )
  • Porkys 3: OST

Hobbies[edit]

  • Challenges of death
  • Speaking through his nose
  • smoking pot
  • Has a perfectly-normal leopard-skin pillbox hat fetish
  • Making the hairs stand up on the back of David Crosby's neck
  • Recently opened a theme park Bobdyland.
  • Doing the robot.
  • Knitting polonecks.
  • doing drugs
  • Wearing the wrong type of clothes at the right seasons
  • Laundering public money
  • doing some more drugs
  • Idolizing the Spice Girls
  • Going down the shop for 10 fags and some crisps
  • doing drugs again
  • playing his songs backwards to see if he says anything satanic
  • singing