“I've got it! I shall make my career starring in a shitty sitcom with a mullet-clad Fonz wannabe and some gay Canadian guy!”
~ Oscar Wilde on his life goals
“Wait? Someone did that already??!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bob Saget
Bob "Squirts 'till it Hurts" Faggot was born in sunny/humid Siberia, son of Eva Braun and that douche bag from The West Wing...you know the one. His original birth name was Snoop Dogg, but changed it out of inspiration when he misheard a guy calling him a faggot. His principal interests are rape, ultraviolence, and ripping off movie taglines. Oh, and being not funny. I mentioned the "not funny", right?
Bob started out his career as a shitty comedian and freelance douchebag. People loved him though, because his trademark was grinning like a f***ing idiot (see top-right). Some jyerk decided to make a sitcom starring him. You might've heard of it. It's a little show called "Full House", and is the queerest and unfunniest piece of shit in existence, but at the same time is the best show ever, or else!
In every episode, Bob queries whether or not to have an abortion, and they keep switching those damn Olsen Twins, because while Ashley is obviously the better actress, Mary-Kate has to do all of Ashley's stunts...and do a shitload of blow. John Stamos occasionally makes a guest appearence on the show, but no one really gives a f**k. In 2006, DVDs of Full House were dropped over Iraq in an attempt by U.S. forces to cause insurgents to surrender.
For fun, Bob Saget enjoys farting in public, blowing cigar smoke in orphans' faces, jaywalking, taking a crap in public toilets without flushing and dishing out the pain. Occasionally he substitutes the "dishing" for the less-popular "doleing", but tries to use "dishing" as often as possible, because everyone hates the word Dole, except of course...for Dole. But thus sharing the same first name with Saget, Saget will most likely off Dole by Thursday, because he's a little bitch that makes crappy fruits and vegitables. (Not to be confused with the other Little bitch that makes crappy fruits and "vegitables", Bob Dole.)
Bob Saget and a german shepherd play chess every once in a while. Since the german shepherd usually wins, Bob simply chokes the canine with a bishop and sells its body to Hollywood for the next Air Bud movie. This is more or less how he gets his budget for his unfunny show, unfunny car, and unfunny house, and anything else he wants to use his Midas Touch of unfunniness on. For example, in 1995, Bob Saget guest starred on The Simpsons. No one has watched of or heard of the show ever since.
Oh yeah...then there's that Canadian guy. Wait...never mind. Bob Saget ate him one day during filming in a furious rage because he refused to bow down to "The Sag Master." He reportedly used soy sauce and ketchup during the meal.
Bob Saget is known not to give a shit about anything or anyone unless it involves him in some way. In 2005, he drove a 1997 Buick LeSabre into a crowd of schoolchildren waiting for a bus because he wanted to buy a new car.
Bob Saget was mostly known for his role in the show Full House as the nudist dominatrix, however he did appear in other works such as America's Pinnacle of Human Embarrassment and Fucking Stupid and Fucking Stupider. During his career after Full House, he was arrested 9 times by the NYPD in Rhode Island for illegal Kitten Huffing past 9 o'clock which led to a startling downfall for his career from there on out. He was also implicated in the murder of famed child beauty queen Kerri Strug, but was never officially charged in the case. He finally died on Febtober 32nd, 2009 when the 12 year olds ( also known as Useless Bullshit ) attacked him out of anger.