Boobs

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“No thanks!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Boobs

Boobs, sometimes called Weapons of Mass Erection, are the largest form of wart known to mankind. They are known to develop in roughly 50% of the population, usually on the upper chest area, though they occasionally form on the elbows. They are roughly twice as common as the Vagina. Some expert scientists believed that the possession of a vagina and the formation of boobs are somehow related in some obscure way, yet this has not yet been proven ( see "causes" below ).

Symptoms

Threesome!=(

A recognizeable symptom of boobs is their ability to float.

Boobs are difficult to recognize immediately, because they come in all shapes, ( except the rhombus ) sizes, textures and colours. The boob is the greatest gift of nature, some experts believe. Boobs are often compared to Zits, yet this comparison is incorrect, as the development of zits can be prevented with the proper creams, but the development of boobs cannot.

Hitler was a sufferer of Boobism, though in most photographs, this embarassing fact is hidden.

Symptoms of the development of boobs can be detected at a very early age. They typically first surface between the age of 13 to 16, though they can develop earlier, as with the case of Pamela Anderson, who was born with boobs the size of watermelons. In most cases, this does not occur. The first symptom of boob development is the appearance of small lumps on the chest. If you see some, don't panic, they might just be warts. To test this, jump in a nearby body of Water. If they float, they are boobs. If not, they are merely warts. They will continue to rapidly increase in size, for about 5 years when they will usually stop, though in some extreme cases, they have exploded. Boobs themselves are usually round, and secrete a bizarre, white liquid.

A person who has boobs can be recognised by several behavioral symptoms as well as the physical ones: a tendency to watch Meg Ryan films, irresistable urges to display one's boobs in public places, and constantly arguing with other people who have boobs, only to make up the next day, causing immense confusion to non-sufferers. After about 50 years of having boobs, it's all literally downhill as they gradually deflate and the infection calms. Though they will never be gone entirely, their growth rapidly slows down.

History

Boobs were discovered in 1943 by Arnold Bazonga. "Well I was sitting in my office," he says, "And all of a sudden I noticed how half the people I saw had these huge bumps on their chests, and the other half didn't. I thought, 'how peculiar'." He pointed this out to doctors, who turned down his report as "sloppily written and lacking any evidence." It wasn't until 10 years later that doctors officially confirmed that boobs were, indeed, a form of wart found on many humans. None of that really matters, because everyone is looking at the pictures on the right right now.

No two breasts are the same size. Pointing this out to the owner of some breasts will get you slapped, because breasts release hormones that make their human owners very possessive and protective. They may also believe them to be too small, regardless of reality.

Some boobs have minds of their own, and can run rampant if released from the people they occupy. Every year at Christmas in Pamplona, Spain, they stage the annual breast run where wild breasts are released into the streets and young men attempt to stick their penises into the vaginas of the girls that the boobs are on without getting slapped. Ernest Hemingway was a great fan of both breast-running and the more serious, and potentially fatal, sport of Breast Fighting.

In the 60's, before plastic surgery boobs were interesting.

Boobs viewed through thermal imaging.

In Breast Fighting men in gold-colored costumes attempt to subdue a breast with a prick. Recently animal rights groups have tried to stop this on grounds of cruelty. However, the standard Spanish response has been that it is nothing but silicone.

There are a bevy of sounds the breast makes, with different perspective from different men. Some argue it to be "boing" as in a rubber ball, or "bwoon", among others, though this is under debate.

Proof that in some extreme cases, boobs have minds of their own.

Boobs and Lesbianism

Lesbians usually have small boobs ( sadly ). This means when a lesbian has big boobs, it's the most incredible thing in the world. Especially when another girl is licking them. Boobs and lesbians are a fundamental part of human life. If they did not exist, it is estimated that 9,999,999 million people per second would actually die of disappointment; thus leading to the extinction of the human race. Sadly, all lesbians are 'butch' women, which brings little happiness to men. 'Hawt' Lesbians only exist in Hentai.

Causes

Scientists have been debating for over 50 years now over what the cause of boob development is, but have still produced no answers. Their original theory was that only people who had Vaginas developed boobs, but they abandoned this theory because "The math equations involved just weren't adding up, and besides, some people with penises get them, too." Their second theory that the development of boobs could be attributed to living in Brazil, but this too was disproved in an experiment that cost $400,000. "We're still working on what it is that causes the growth of boobs," says Stephen Hawking, one of the world's leading scientists, "Why these boobs grow, and what their true purpose is, will likely always remain as one of the last great mysteries of the Universe."