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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Bort. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

Determined, but stupid.


A 'bort' is the name that can be given to any such type of animal that appears vacant, rather gormless or just plain stupid. Whilst any types of animal can be a 'bort' - rodents tend to make the best candidates - only one selected animal at one point in time can be the official Bort, a title which is granted until the end of that particular creature's life. Since the dawn of time there have been but three Borts, details of which are as follows:

Bort the First[edit]

The first Bort is believed to have been a white-furred female Guinea Pig of the Rex breed, who lived between the years 1993 and 1999 in a small wooden hut in Dorset. Famous incidents of 'Bortishness' include the loss of all teeth and subsequent feeding by pulped food, the accidental swallowing of flem and the astonishing moment where she forgot one of her legs was not in any way in contact with the ground for a good minute. This Bort is also the only current holder of the title to have been injured, having broken a leg after deciding to jump from her owner's hands behind a refridgerator at the age of approximately 4 months.

Bort the Second[edit]

The second Bort was once again a female Guinea Pig of the Rex breed, although this time of the ebony variety. Unofficial texts name this Bort 'AfroBort' as a result. This Bort is astonishing for the fact that, in her lifetime (estimated to have been between 1999 and 2004) she seemed to accomplish precisely nothing of any note. This includes the complete lack of emotion shown at any moment of her life, the distinct impression that she had no clue what was actually ever going on, and finally her tendency to bump into objects and other animals, even if avoiding a collision was in fact easier. In fact, it's safe to say that of all the Borts to date, AfroBort is certainly the most Bortish.

Bort the Third[edit]

The third and current Bort is believed to be an ebony male chinchilla who resides in a well-to-do suburb of Oxford. Quite how the torch of Bort was passed between species is as yet unknown, but upon observation the distinct ingrained stupidity and general confusion which marks the bearer as a proper Bort are all too apparent. Reported incidents to date are scarce, although one rumour suggests that Bort the Third remarkably decided to chew through the threads supporting his hanging bedding whilst sitting in it, resulting in the hammock and its occupant plummeting to the ground. It's also interesting to note that the third of the Borts has gone against the docile nature of previous incumbents and has been talked of as being 'nasty', 'angry' and 'a git'.

Bort Syndrome[edit]

Bort Syndrome is the medical term for a family pet that seems to display various traits of the official Bort animals. This can include, amongst other things, likelihood of being amused by the same stick every ten seconds; tendency to sit still for hours on end whilst the world continues on around them; addiction to shambling into household objects and other pets and the curious way in which each animal seemingly concentrates a lot of effort on not a lot of activity.

To date, Bort Syndrome has only been confirmed in Guinea Pigs, Chinchillas and Stick Insects. Recent reports that Bort Syndrome had been detected in a number of family cats in Shropshire have proven to be unfounded.