“I shined his head for a quarter once. Cheap bastard.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bruce Willis
Bruce Willis ( actually Klaus Willendorf ) is the mild mannered Alter Ego of The Hudson Hawk, a superhero vigilante who serves to protect hero city. Bruce Willis is also affected by both erectile dysfunction and the rare disgusting disease that is shiny head syndrome.
Starting out as a bartender, Bruce Willis joined the police force in 1988, and quickly made a name for himself as national hero by defeating evil German invaders with silly accents. The Germans planned to steal American Christmas, but Willis stopped them from doing so by blowing everything up with his bare feet. The only setback with Willis's heroic achievement was that bullet from the black guy at the end...what the heck was up with that? The guy was DEAD already. Anyway, following the success of Willis first mission on the force, the forces at be forced him to stay in the force and do it again until it, frankly, got old. After unsuccessfully trying to make it as an unregistered cab driver, Bruce Willis finally decided that acting was the profession for him, and he left his old life to become a hunky ( but oh-so-sensitive ) action hero on the big screen.
He is best known for defeating evil East-European supervillan Gary Coleman three ( increasingly repetitive ) times armed with little more than a vest and a strong sense of civic duty. A champion of Boggle and Hopscotch, he is best known for his Pac-Man skills, which he has memorized the patterns for each of the 12 cartridge releases. Best friend of Bob Waver.
A few years back, Bruce Willis got into a fight with Willis over the naming dispute. Bruce wanted to be Bruce Willis, while Bruce did not want Bruce to be Bruce Willis. And thus a fight broke out, where Willis proceeded to use his Boggle skills to boggle Willis' mind. Bruce Willis lost, and everyone laughed. Willis then changed his name to Bruce Wontus and fell into poverty because everybody mocked him.
Bruce Willis is known to suddenly lash out in freak attacks during peaceful activities such as gardening, shopping etc. The most famous time when his wife sent him to his nearest Tesco to do some food shopping, Some 4 hours later, his wife turned on the TV and saw Bruce on the News, he had attacked the store, 171 casualties, 89 injuries, and he was crawling around the shop floor bloody and bare foot with a cucumber where the sun don't shine!
- Bruce Willis is an accomplished, consummate and highly professional actor with multiple facial expressions: eyes opened and eyes closed.
- In a pinch, mixing two parts concrete and one part manure will make an actor that is roughly equivalent to Bruce Willis.
- Bruce Willis is sexy.
- When in New York, Bruce Willis vandalizes fire hydrants so that the Fire Brigade can't get water from them. Bruce says that he does this to conserve the water for 'real emergencies'.
- He's revered on a worldwide basis for making sleeveless shirts cool.
- Despite popular belief, it was Bruce that dumped Demi Moore and told her to take her wonderful breasts out of his face.
- Bruce Willis adopted Ringo Starr and taught him how to pronounce Jippie-Kai-Yay.
- Bruce Willis was once seen fucking his father in a public lavatory.
- Bruce Willis is terrified of male alligators. Before he knows whether he needs to be terrified or not, Willis has to insert a finger into the croc's love canal to determine the croc's sex.
- Bruce Willis began his acting career as the guy after Christopher Walken in the cast credits in Pulp Friction.
- Bruce Willis once challenged Donkey Kong to a barrel throwing competition but came second place ( Donkey Kong came in at third place; Gary Coleman won easily ).
- Bruce Willis is still running his record-label Jive Records, and currently produces the music of such bands as; Focus, Foreigner and ( The ) Sex Pistols.
- Bruce Willis is not gay. Just because, when seeing a redecorated room for the first time he waves his hands and says, "Oh, my, God! This is fabulous! Darling, I just love what you've done with the place!" doesn't automatically mean that he's gay...and the blowjobs that he gives in his bathroom mean nothing as well.
- Bruce Willis once claimed ownership to every single cat in Woking, England. His second home is woking.
- Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.
- Bruce Willis's first job was a taxi cab driver in 24th-century New York City.