Désolé - Cerchez - Vous pour Alicia Keys
What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
"Côte de what?"
|Motto: Unity, Discipline, and Peanuts|
|Anthem: La Êlêphântâise|
|Capital||Yamoussoukro, Le Coq d'Or de facto|
|Official language ( s )||French, African Clicky Noises|
|El Presidente||Ghost of Ol' Joe Houphuët-Boigny|
|National Heroes||Dumbo, St. Brendan|
|Independence||August 7, 1960|
|Currency||euro, Central African Frog|
|Religion||Catholicism, Voodoo, Animism, Fetishism|
Côte d'Ivoire, a small country in Africa, was formerly known as Ivory Coast in English, but the upstart officials of Côte d'Ivoire decided that everyone must start calling the country by the French name, regardless of their native language ( e.g., if they are from Angleterre or Les Etats Unis ).
Its main products are keyboards that can produce French circumflex accents and malaria.
It was a French colony once, but once France got owned in Vietnam the Côte d'Ivoireans were quickly granted independence. They kept the weird French name just to piss off stupid Americans who flunked French in High School. You'll find that most countries do things to anger the simpleton Yankee imperialists who orchestrate their coups and rig their elections.
The people of Côte d'Ivoire have a long and complex history. Unfortunately, we white people are to darn lazy to learn anything about it. All you gotta remember is that there's a civil war there and coups and crap. In that one Donald Duck cartoon where Donald goes to Africa, it is a piano. Get it?
The first country ever to be ruled by a person who won both the Atlantic City Pageant and the International Bismarck Look-a-like Competition, Côte d'Ivoire was founded in 1799 by the French explorers Jean-Claude, Jean-Pierre, Jean-Paul, another Jean-Paul, and Jean-Guillame. They soon discovered the enormous ivory bushes, the only known plants that grow fruit made of ivory. They robbed every single ivory bush, then ran away, sold the ivory fruit to a company manufacturing inflatable pool balls for the mentally challenged. The explorers made a fortune by betraying their country in such a shameful way. It did not bother them much, since they bought a bungalow on the Canary Islands and lived there for the rest of their lives.
In 1854, Ol' Joe Houphouët-Boigny declared himself President of Côte d'Ivoire. He stayed in power until his death in 1890, after which his ghost has been in charge of the country. Houphouët-Boigny is credited with having single-handedly crafted the world's longest toothpick ( 17.6 metres ). Côte d'Ivoire's capital is Yamoussoukro, but Abidjan remains the commercial and administrative center, which begs the question, why the hell did they change it to yamoussthingy? Côte d'Ivoire has always been one of the most stable African countries, experiencing merely 215 violent military-led coup d'états. Côte d'Ivoire is so far the only country to follow the Accidental calendar developed by Pope Eusebius in A.D. 310 ( -8A in the Accidental calendar ). Thus, 2005 is the accidental year 795.3 in Côte d'Ivoire.
( Sung to Offenbach's "Can-Can" from Orpheus in the Underworld )
Oh, Côte d'Ivoire!
So sings the choir!
This is the country,
The proud nation which
Harvested a lot of i-vo-ryyy
And so became real rich!
We came through the jungle
To sing you this song,
We aren't afraid of the bumble(-bee)
And so it won't take long.
So, all hail the tricolor,
The one that has three colours!
All hail the flag we stole from Ire-la-a-nd!
77% of the population are considered Ivorians. Ivorians are anthropomorphic flying elephants, the most prominent of which is Dumbo. They represent several different people and language groups. An estimated 65 languages are spoken in the country. One of the most common is Djoula, which acts as a weird, silly-sounding language as well as a language commonly spoken by the Muslim population. French, the official language, is taught in schools and serves as a lingua franca in urban areas ( particularly Abidjan ).
What to see in Côte d'Ivoire
That is indeed a good question.
- The National Spam Museum, located in Coq d'Or, displays more than 7,000,000,000 spam messages received by email from all over the world.
- The Ghost of Ol' Joe Huophouët-Boigny can at times be seen hovering by the windows of the Royal Presidential Palace.
- The National Gallery, 12 Rue de Faux, Le Coq d'Or, is home to some of the most outstanding fake Picassos in the central hemisphere.
- Madame Sandrine's, 15 Back Alley #4, Abidjan. Ask for Marie and Ivette and "the Special"!
- The National Nazi Museum, located in the capital Yamoussoukro,displays all the Nazi party leaders, and the few Jews ( underground Atheists ) who went to the museum.