Caffeine

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I need the caffeine!
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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Caffeine.

Coffee[edit]

Coffee, often confused with "an electric slap to the rectum", is a liquid containing various properties, such as the expansion of pubic hair, as well as the destruction of nearby swastikas and communists. Famed for its ability to induce hyperactivity and finally bring the long overdue cure for sleep and brain tumours.

This is what Americans have instead of coffee. It is similar to that mucky crap you find in a tray under your refrigerator.

The exact preparation of coffee remains a secret to this day because coffee is said to cause Global Warming. In a report given to the National Institute of Technology Technologies, Ex-Vice President Al Gore, who is now a widely accepted journalist and published scientist ergo credible, lambasted coffee and described its use as, "a weapon of mass destruction, psychotic; a racist, homophobic, unpatriotic Republican masquerading as a retarded god-fearing United States Citizen." It was later uncovered that Mr. Gore was in the process of building a 400,000 square-foot house out of spent coffee grounds. America subsequently overlooked the hotel-sized home because they agreed with Mr. Gore on his view of Republicans.

The half life of the radioactive coffee isotope Co178 is 300 years. Drinking this variety of brew is unwise unless you are starting your dissertation. Or planning a "revolution."

Mormons believe coffee to be evil, as they claim it is a form of idol worship, fun, and witchcraft. Following public ridicule, this belief was changed to include all caffeine -- vagina not withstanding.

Coffee is also a known cause of cancer in the State of California. In Houston, Texas, coffee is illegal to drink whilst in a taxi; in the workplace, coffee must be drunk no less than 5 times a day, and ONLY while smoking three cigarettes at once and giving head.