What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
“What the fuck?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cameroon
“I LOVE THIS PLACE!”
~ AIDS on Cameroon
Cameroon has a long and proud history of getting owned in the face by foreign powers. Cameroon was originally an outpost for the Klingon empire, for which it served as a nice place to dump raw sewage. Cameroon served as the Klingon's septic tank until World War III-XX where it changed hands so many times that even you ruled it for a while.
The Klingons were rather softer on Cameroon than their other colonies. Purhaps because they were engaged in a costly war with Sparta. The war was so costly, that they couldn't efficiently oppress the Camoroonian peoples. These poor bastards wallowed about in their freedom of speech and religion for horrible centuries until the Klingons sold the country to the Germans Who valiantly sought to purge and oppress the Camoroonians.
The Germans ruled for the most brutal ten minites of Camaroonian history until the British took Cameroon from them.
The British revolutionized Cameroon by building solid gold cities and giving every citizen a sportscar and one million pounds. They also installed the best health care system ever and put porn on every channel. Eventualy, the British decided to sell Cameroon to the French for the sheer hell of it.
Recognizing a bad investment, the British sold Cameroon to North Korea.
North Korean Rule
( This portion of the article aproved by the KCNA. ) Glorious immortal President Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il liberated the Cameroonian proletarians from the imperialist "democracy," instaling a true tribute to the will of the people in the government. Our art squad also added a glorious Juche star to the flag to symbolize the undying love of the people to Kim Il Sung. Until the wretched Cameroonian traitors hickuped while we were saluting Kim Jong Il. These disgusting actions were put under fire as Kim Jong Il in his infinate wisdom turned ownership of Cameroon over to Cambodia. Cameroon would be well advised that their imperialist intestinal gas will not stand with the heroic people's vanguard of the DPRK!
Bruce Campbell Rule
Bruce Campbell ruled Cameroon for one day so he could call all his citizens together and say "Hail to the King Baby." With that done with, Bruce Campbell turned power over to the people of Cameroon who elected Xerxes as their first president citing that he was kind.
Xerxes began a campaign of expansion to conquer the neighboring countries of Equatorial Guinea and Gabon. Xerxes' armies won the day with their terrifying "board with rusty nail" weapons which overwealmed the Guinea-Gabon forces armed with rocks at the battle of Tchibanga. Xerxes then annexed the two defeated countries ( ? ) into his new Cameroonian empire!
Xerxes ruled Cameroon until his death in 1984. Being a generous god, Xerxes reinvented the Cameroonian economy and made prostitution the most profitable industry. This gave Cameroon the best living standards in the region, meaning they were one step above the stone age. Unfortunately, the neighboring African countries became jealous of Cameroon's wheel technology and flaming sticks. This combined with Xerxes' public threats to invade Chad, caused his assassination at the hands of Chad nationalists armed with really pointy rocks tied to sturdy sticks. A bloody civil war of succession followed that left a low ranking army officer named Captain Planet and his Planeteers as the rulers of Cameroon, a title they still hold today.
Today Captain Planet has turned Cameroon into one of the wealthiest oil shit countries on earth. He accomplished this by slashing and burning all the rainforests and selling most of the country to Exxon.
Captain Planet also gave himself a new title for his new possision as dictator of Cameroon
Captain Planet's Title
His grand excellency, undying lord of the imperium, great tsar of the homeland, destroyer of the Klingons, Germans, British, French, North Koreans, Cambodians, me, but not Bruce Campbell, commandant royale of the god like Camaroonian legions that strike fear into the enemies of the fatherland, and immortal field marshal who goes from conquest to conquest leaving fire, corpses, and castrated penisis in his all mighty wake, the true god king vanquisher of the so called "god king" Xerxes, allknowing leader of the Planeteers, a demigod whom all the possitive adjectives in any language known to man could not praise enough, our beloved chancellor till the end of time Planet.
Whenever a citizen refers to Planet, they must use his full title or be shot.
Cameroonian citizens enjoy many luxeries given to them by the government. They enjoy such things as stone tools, fire, holes to shit in, and a lofty life expectancy of 2 years.
If Cameroonians ever have a problem, they simply go to their local cheif who then contacts the Planeteers, the meaningless government body that holds no power whatsoever that was set up by Chancellor Planet so he didn't have to deal with any of the people's problems. The Planeteers each had a specific pointless jobs in the Cameroonian government ( ? )
- Fire- Minister in charge of war making and of torching slave labor oil fields in case UN inspecters get too nosey
- Water- Minister in charge of making paper boats for use in the Cameroonian navy
- Air- Minister in charge of the air force and of fooling people into buying an Ionic Breeze from the Sharper Image
- Earth- Minister in charge of ( destroying ) the environment
- Heart- NA, Heart was banished because their element is for wimps
For those thinking of traveling to Cameroon, here are some useful phrases.
- Please for the love of God feed me!-!em deef dog fo evol eht rof esaelP
- Help! I've been stabbed!-!debbats neeb ev'I !pleH
- How much for your sister?-?retsis ruoy rof hcum woH
- Don't kill me! I'm not a rebel!-!leber a ton m'I !em llik t'onD
- There is flesh eating bacterea in the local well.-.llew lacol eht ni aeretcab gnitae hself si erehT
- How do I get out of this country?-?yrtnuoc siht fo tuo teg I od woH