Celebrity Roast

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search

A Celebrity Roast is a culturally sanctioned rite of passage still practiced amongst the ranks of legendary elite, though to a much lesser degree today than during the 1960s, when it reached peak popularity under such iconic adherents as Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.

Dean Martin (left) orders another drink while Sammy Davis, Jr. & Frank Sinatra watch Ernest Hemingway being basted with with a really fruity lemon, thyme, and mustard sauce, 1961.


Once upon a time, in a mythical land far, far away—Hollywood, California—there existed a pantheon of gods and goddesses. Beautiful but fickle, their attentions flickered like the stoplights that guided the passage of their silver chariots.

By the tenets of this ancient civilization, it didn't need to be real, it just needed to sound good on paper and make for great film. And so it was that one day there was talk around the studio water cooler of a practice amongst certain Inuit ("eskimo") tribes of mortals of a sacrificial end-of-life ceremony. When a person had reached the time in their life when they ceased to be a contributing member of society—and instead represented a burden to others—they would graciously end their own existence for the benefit of the community.

The mightiest of the gods, Frank, loved it. His chorus of studio executives-in-waiting loved it. However, as the concept of some schmoe just wandering off to freeze to death on an iceberg lacked a certain "je ne sais quoi", it was decided that the ritual would involve higher stakes, and emphasize dining and entertainment over tangible benefit.


Sammy Davis, Jr. (right) was allowed to back out of his scheduled roast in 1954, in return for his left eye, and an agreement to do the Pre-Opening Report for the live television special of Disneyland's opening day. Marilyn Monroe (left) was eaten 8 years later.

While many may be familiar with The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts broadcast to mortal audiences on NBC on Thursday nights from 1973 to 1984, these are G-Rated edited for content versions, in no way accurate to the practices pioneered and perfected by Frank Sinatra and his Rat Pack of immortals.

To ensure an experience worthy of the Hollywood mystique, Frank Almighty devised a mass insultation ceremony by peers, followed by death, basting, stuffing, roasting over an open fire, carving, and serving of the remains to those gathered with their choice of two sides: Cole slaw, small salad, baked beans, corn, mixed vegetables, or secret recipe celebrity stuffing with "mystery giblets". Don't ask.

"The comedy warm-up ain't just good entertainment, it's good cooking," Frank explained. "If you've eaten a steak that wasn't properly marinated, you know where I'm coming from, baby. It's tough, and tough don't taste good. But fear? Fear is the nectar of the gods. My nectar! So, find some schmuck, make 'im laugh, loosen 'im up, kill 'im and grill 'im. That's entertainment, baby!"


In response to queries about the selection process, Sammy Davis, Jr. replied, "Frank takes care of that. All I know is that if he says you're finished, you're finished... unless you're willing to part with something big. Like your left ey- hand. Or your dignity. Maybe both."

Recipes & Technique[edit]

When asked for some of his favorite recipes and Celebrity Roast memories, Dean Martin in a fleeting moment of sobriety said, "Ask Frank." And so we did.

"You gotta tailor the recipe to the bupkis you're grilling," Frank warned. "Use you head. I mean, can you imagine Ernest Hemingway in a beer barbeque sauce? No. You save that for a hep macho cat like Rock Hudson.
"Personally, I've always preferred spit roasting. There's something powerfully moving about watching a contemporary slowly rotating over a bed of charcoal briquettes that you just can't match with oven or underground roasting. And I always retain the carving privilege. It keeps the mooks in line."