Cell division

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YHWH's 436th incarnation

Cell Division is the process whereby the a single cell is divided into two by the will of God. God has to manually invoke this process as outlined in highly encoded form in the King James editions of Exodus, Leviticus, and St Paul's letter to Timothy.

The Facts of Cell Division[edit]

To understand this fully, the King James edition must be used. No other versions of the Holy Bible are presently authorized by God, as all elements lost in translation were blasphemes and all things gained are Godly truths. Also before doing all of this eat some pie, go to the bathroom, jerk off, and then realease some porn watching experiences!

Cell division is compatible with the theory of Intelligent Design, popularized by the Kansas Board of Education.

Incidentally, the Theory of Intelligent Design is considered by the biblical scientist to be one of the three fundamental theories instrumental in shaping our knowledge of the universe, together with the Theory of the Flat Earth and the entirety of the New Testament.

The First Cell was split by God to punish it for drinking from the primordial soup. From that moment of creation, a neverending chain reaction was started. While most secular scientists erroneously believed that the process ( still known and believed in pseudoscientific circles as "mitosis" )is largely an autonomous "dance of the chromosomes" executed by automatons alone, we now know that this is not the case.

Mechanism of Cell Division[edit]

Cell division is primarily driven by a not-yet-fully-studied force known as faith and love. Scientists do not fully know how it works, and do not appreciate questions. Man was never meant to question the work of God.

Theories of why this is true[edit]

It is widely known that God's Universe is barely larger than the Earth itself. God does not create replicating processes, let alone all those silly alternate places shown in Science Fiction, reports of hallucinating Astronomers and people who insist that places like France really exist. The Universe, the number of people who will be saved, the number of years left before the Second Coming, God's capabilities, and my ability to grasp things my senses can't tell me exist are all minute.


Some reject Intelligent Design as heretical, unbiblical nonsense, citing the fact that the universe was created at 9:15 AM on 23 October, 4004 BC, and that Intelligent Design rejects this notion, putting the creation at some blasphemously obscene large number of years ago. This has no bearing on the validity of the Divine manifestation of Cell Division, however.

Some researchers argue that it is Jesus, not God who performs cell division, resurrection, miracles, inspiration, and that God is some old bastard best ignored. Demanding equal time for teaching their "theory" in schools, they have been criticized for requesting an equal footing with the current belief without providing sufficient proof.

Famous Divided Cells[edit]

There are three famous cells mentioned in the King James edition of the Bible. Nobody knows their names though, except for God. It is said that their daughter cells exist in Gandhi and Armenians, but King James didn't know Armenians existed, and Gandhi wasn't born back when King James was still kickin', so it's most likely that this is an urban legend.