Chainsaw

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chainsaw.
A good ol' lumberjack shows off the great cutting blade.

Chainsaws are incredibly useful tools for cutting through logs for the lumber industry. Since their emergence, they have completely phased out the inferior woodsaw and have made a great financial success for the lumberjacks. However, a chainsaw is not as well known for its attribution to the lumber industry, despite its intended purpose, in the same way Alfred Nobel invented dynamite to help make the construction industry smoother for demolition of buildings. Unless you've been living under a rock, or a group of rocks then by know you should associate something else other than lumber when you see a chainsaw.

Invention[edit]

Not surprisingly, it was invented by a lumberjack, if ya hadn't seen that one coming sonny, then you oughta re-read the first paragraph, only slower and not in that silly accent. Anyhoo, in 1946, a fart smella smart fella named Dag Norbert was injured tripping over a tree stump. Out of commission for about 3-4 months he decided to find a way to go out and work instead of laying around and such. He fiddled around with some flywheel parts, gears, string, and a motor for about a month until he made the first chainsaw. It was a clumsy loud thing to, and I sort of miss the old times with the ax in the bristlecone pines forest, hearin' the chomp thwack chomp sound as tha axe hit the tree bark... Nevertheless, the chainsaw ( well, it didn't use a chain at the moment ) was born.

Some say though, that cavemen invented the chainsaw, using saber-tooth tigers to power it. The power supply was supplied and created by the well known group 'Save our Planet... and trees'. Then, with a sharp rock, and a nuclear reactor they found lying around, they managed to cut through their noisy neighbours walls, and extract their brains. This is only a rumour, but cavemen bought back from the dead are being questioned.

Perfection and Widespread use[edit]

So Dag uses that cutter for about 2 weeks, when some smartass comes up and says he'll buy it off of Dag for Tree hundred bucks. Anyone in his position would have sold it right then and there to that guy. Forgot his name though, Winslow? Anyway, when Wilson left, Dag was well enough to use his axe again, but nearly 6 weeks later on a trip to the market we all notice a whole bunch of Dags chainsaws for sale at a hundred apiece! The box said that the chainsaws would cut threw anything. It wasn't all rattly either, it was a slick working machine too. Dag got upset that Wilmur fella ripped him off of his chainsaw, and said that he'd eventually take him to court. The blade part was also less dull than before, but still not very sharp as it would be later. The blade was about as sharp as one of those pointy birds you see swimming around dams in rivers.

The cinemas[edit]

To top it all off, some director made a movie using the chainsaw as a weapon! There was an even worse one filmed down in Texas, what a godawful idea for a movie anyways. The movies made the saw look more like a weapon than it did a very useful tool for tha logging industry. ( The movie was pretty kick-ass though )

Norbert Vs. Shane[edit]

Shane makes his case.

This was a landmark case at the time, with much at stake for both sides. If Dag won, he could reap all that money from the person who bought the prototype, since there was not a written agreement, and collect money from the plagiarizers, who blatantly stole the design for themselves. The representative for the family Pristidae, "Shane" was himself a tough talker, and had the backings of a lawyer who dealt with a similar case, Hammy of the Sphyrnidae family. Hammy argued that because of Freedom of Design, that any animal could acquire the looks or similarity in anything. Hammy pointed out that even though Fishermen used rods and lures to catch prey, angler fish do the exact same thing, using a lure and a short rod extension. Dag, representing himself, was at a loss by himself and could barely keep up with the lawyer.

The case ended with both of the sides reaching an agreement, "Shane" and others would be allowed to keep the design, and Dag would receive money from each chainsaw sold.

Inherent dangers[edit]

Naturally, such a terribly effective device has been the subject of great concern. Inexperienced carnies often lose limbs onstage when attempting to juggle the usual 3 chainsaws, stool, torch, badger and clown nose. Every effort to avoid another long drawn out legal battle was taken, and large bright signs were sold inside every chainsaw package to insure that one would not sue Dag again. This plan turned into another great success, with little money to be paid to make the signs. The early ones had sharp edges, and in retrospect wasn't such a good idea at the time, but it was an idea that worked.


Another new emerging trend is to modify robots with weapons and use them to fight one another. These "Battlebots" would fight each other in a pit to the death for the reward of money from the owners. Chainsaws are the most common and deadly, resulting in a cruel quick death to whichever machine gets the first slice in. There is concern of a backlash from the robots because of the mechanical cock-fighting, and new laws concerning Robot Rights are being discussed in Congress right now.

Disease[edit]

One of the more disturbing facts about chainsaws is the alarming number of diseases that they can carry and spread. Careful examination of a chainsaw blade will reveal numerous signs of dangerous diseases. The most common of these diseases is DDS, with SIDS coming in a close second. These diseases can be eliminated from the chainsaw unit, but at the cost of destroying the blade itself. Currently, the only feasible solution is to use extreme caution when using or near a person using a chainsaw. Still, despite precautions by the owner the chainsaw is still one of the largest contributors to DDS and SIDS, and if you can't handle the risk, then use nail clippers instead.

War use[edit]

A new emergence, the chainsaw is now part of the standard military assault rifle arsenal. Instead of being another weapon, the chainsaw is now used as a bayonet for close-combat fighting. The combination of assault rifle and chainsaw is deadly and effective. There are rare instances when the insubordinate amount of blood from using the chainsaw can clog the gears near the flywheel, but this becomes a non-issue if occasionally cleaned off.

Some sadistic little bastards would rely solely on the chainsaw.

The bayonet saw its first real widespread use on the planet Sera, where it was used to hold off nasty swarms of crop and grain eating bugs. Some would say using the chainsaw bayonet to try to dissipate swarms of hungry Locusts was a bit of a stupid idea at the time, but when the locust drones started controlling zombie humans, then the chainsaw became realized as a smart choice. Eventually, with the deployment of the Streetlight bomb after killing a locust infected Raam, the battle was won and the locusts swarmed to the streetlight and got zapped. The moth population dropped enormously, and the chainsaw-rifle hybrid was put into the Universal Weapons Hall of Fame.