Charlie Brown

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Charlie Brown.
Charlie on a typical depressing day

Charles Liebowicz, alias Charlie Brown, was the leader of the notorious Peanuts gang for 50 years starting in 1950. That means that he stopped in 2000, I guess. Under Brown's leadership, the gang was responsible for dozens of murders, hundreds of robberies, and seven TV specials. After leaving the gang, Brown became head of FEMA, and was instrumental in drowning No Orleans] in record time.

Childhood[edit]

Liebowicz was born in, like, 1940 or something. Not much is known about his parents, except that they weren't around very much for young Charles. This, combined with progeria, a common disease which made him bald by the age of 5, resulted in severe bouts of depression. Another cause of this, or perhaps a result, was his constant feeling of social isolation. Some psychologists interested in his case have pointed out that while there were many children around him, they could never be considered "friends" as they constantly derided him and made him feel inferior. Once such child was Lucy van Pelt, who, among other things, constantly tricked him into trying to kick a football she was holding, and then she'd pull it away at the last minute, and then he'd fly up into the air and land on his head causing damage to his skull, and then everyone would laugh like it was a BIG FUCKING JOKE. God, children are so cruel sometimes. Anyway, Liebowicz later got his revenge on her, oh yesss.

Revenge[edit]

In, oh, say, 1949, the body of Lucy van Pelt, now a teenager ( stop doing the math! DO NOT do the math! ), was found at the base of a cliff in a forested area near her home. It appeared that she had not noticed the cliff and had run off it by accident. Authorities searched the area for evidence of fowl play, and found only a deflated football on the rocks from which she had fallen. DNA evidence proved that Liebowicz had handled the ball. On the same day the body was found, Liebowicz vanished. Scientific evidence was found later that supports the fact that some of the murders and robberies committed by Charlie may have been caused by lack of judgment, due to when his skull was accidentally smashed during a sacrifice of Woodstock to the Great Pumpkin.

A Life of Crime[edit]

After allegedly murdering Lucy van Pelt, Liebowicz, who at this time began calling himself Charlie Brown for some stupid fucking reason, went into hiding. No, not Hiding, South Dakota, smartass. No one knew where he was, especially not his next victim. She was discovered in a field in... let's say North Dakota. She had been dead for a long time before her body was found, because no one lives in North Dakota. Therefore her remains had very little remaining, although her hair was mysteriously left intact. Because of this, positive identification took quite a while, but the sensationalist newspapers of the 1950s needed a name to call her. They dubbed her The Little Red-Haired Girl.

After that, Brown apparently decided that murdering people was passé and gave it up for a while. Instead, he started robbing liquor stores, presumably because he was very thirsty. His rash of liquor store robberies spread like a rash from Maine to California. His decline only came in the mid 1990s, as heavy cocaine use interfered with his ability to effectively run the gang. He was found shot in the back on July 7, 1998.

The Gang[edit]

Charlie Brown's humorous exploits had become famous in the late 1950s and early 1951s. Soon, other shady individuals began tracking him down ( and yet the police couldn't... how suspicious ) and requested to join him in his adventures. After not too long, quite a few people had joined the gang, which was originally known as The Charlie Brown Gang. Many members felt that this name did not adequately reflect their individual contributions and petitioned Brown to change the name. Then Brown saw some peanuts on the ground and said, "Hey, let's call ourselves the Peanuts Gang!" Everyone thought this was a great idea, because they were mostly drunk or stoned, and there was much rejoicing.

Some of the more famous—or perhaps infamous! ha ha ha!—members included:

Sally Brown[edit]

Known for her puff of yellow, or perhaps blonde, hair. She took the name Brown as a tribute to Charlie Brown, not knowing it wasn't really his last name. When she found out his real name, she decided to continue being Brown, because she didn't want to be all wishy-washy. She was responsible for the murder of seven schoolchildren in rural Indiana.

Linus van Pelt[edit]

Since that bitch Sally already took Brown's name, Linus decided to use the name of Brown's first victim. First alleged victim, that is. Linus was one of the more fucked up members of the gang. Hostages described him as carrying a blanket around with his left hand, sucking on his thumb with his right, and shooting people with his middle. He sure liked shooting people. He often talked about following a mysterious mob boss known as The Great Pumpkin, although many other gang members suspected that this was actually a delusion of his. He later fathered a child with Sally Brown. That child grew up to be New York Giants linebacker Brad van Pelt. It is suspected that Linus may have had dementia, causing him to create an imaginary savior, which he dubbed The Great Pumpkin.

Snoopy Dog Dog[edit]

A rapper often seen in the company of the gang. He was the only black person to have been associated with them. There have been no crimes specifically attributed to him, but we know he must have done something since all black people are criminals.


Peppermint Patty[edit]

Strangely enough, Patty was the only member of the gang who used her real name. She must have thought it was wild enough. Seriously, what kind of name is Peppermint Patty? Having a name like that is probably what messed her up anyway.

Pig Pen[edit]

Pig Pen got his name after commiting the famous Barnyard Slaughter leaving 23 people dead. His mind is as dirty as he is; the residue his murders leave behind are never fully washed away. His mind is haunted day and night, and yet he considers it to be a mere annoyance and doesn't relent. His sanity is often questioned, as his paranoid delusions and disassociation from reality generally have devastating effects on those around him.

Schroeder[edit]

Schroeder's name comes from a more German ( and thus more dark and threatening ) way of pronouncing "Shredder" ( a nickname for his particular style ). This is a commonly used naming strategy among hard rock bands and cheesy movies featuring bad guys, because everyone is scared of Germany. Schroeder has a strange obsession with the piano, and it is noted that while he's in the process of commiting mass murder, he's usually humming an extremely intricate Beethoven tune which generally requires a full orchestra. This has led to controversy and speculation that Beethoven was created by the government to brainwash people, like Catcher In The Rye. Either way, Schroeder is not one to be messed with.

Woodstock[edit]

Woodstock is a deranged ex-hippie who loves to jump on the "hey look it's a creepy guy with all the answers who wants me to kill people and speaks of love and peace!" bandwagon. The product of a white suburban home from the 50s, Woodstock is constantly searching to gain social acceptance and enlightment. By any means necessary.

Marcie[edit]

Marcie is Woodstock's girlfriend; she joined the group just to be with him. Like Woodstock, she was a deranged product of the notorious baby boom, and she quickly took to trying to learn all of the universe's secrets through free love, LSD, and random murder. It is rumored that she was bisexual, but in reality she was just too perpetually high to see who she was actually having unprotected sex with. She was a hippy, after all.

Rerun van Pelt[edit]

A crappy clone of Linus van Pelt originally created in order to commit the perfect crime. However, as the gang soon learned, things are never as good a second time. And by good I mean bad. Well, good at being bad. Which he wasn't.

Charlotte Braun[edit]

Charlotte Braun was also a cloning project gone wrong. The CIA is still after the corporation who did the illegal "street cloning". She was created in an attempt to clone Charlie Brown as a female. Unfortunately her voice was too loud and so she was later found dead with an axe in her.

Reaction[edit]

The reaction of the general public to the crimes committed by Brown and his gang was all, like, big, and shit.

Scary Stories Peanuts Edition by Schwartz and Gammell. The scene is taken right before Charlie Brown ruined Lucy van Pelt's shit, although the murder weapon is inaccurate. Also, Stephen Gammell changed his name temporarily to Charles Schulz.

Fan club[edit]

As proof that people are seriously f***ed up sometimes, a fan club was started by Charlie Brown's admirers. They met weekly ( and weakly... wait, that doesn't work ) to discuss their favorite murders and robberies committed by the gang. The female members tended to get into fist fights over the subject of "Who's hotter, Charlie Brown or Linus?"

Movies[edit]

Several movies have been made recently about the gang's activities, directed by Quentin Tarantino. Although known for his excessively violent films, Tarantino decided that, to respect the dead, the movies would be animated simply. One of the films ( They're All Dead, Charlie Brown, And You Killed Them, You Fucking Monster ) was so dark, it was not released to the public. Other movies included It's the FBI, Charlie Brown, It Hurts when I Pee, Charlie Brown, Stop! It's Illegal in All 50 States and called Necrophilia, Charlie Brown, and It's Amusingly Out of Character, Charlie Brown.

Comics[edit]

Charlie Brown comics have been written by Alvin Schwartz and illustrated by Stephen Gammell ( obviously ). The comic strip failed to make it big. This may have had something to do with the fact that it was written about a deranged serial killer.