Child obesity

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Child obesity is a pressing issue especially in the United States of America, most likely induced by Former President George W. Bush's "Don't Ask, Just Eat" policy concerning hungry children. Critics of the Obama administration, meanwhile, claim that Obama is fattening up America's younger generations in interest of his Socialist agenda (to eat them). Most simply agree that the American youth is just too darn fat.


Recognizing that your son or daughter has child obesity is a long and specific process that requires numerous tests, X-rays, and observation from a practiced pediatrician. Entire courses are dedicated at medical schools across the nation to diagnosing child obesity, so doctors want parents to understand that it is not a simple thing to do. Still, Wisconsin pediatrician Tim Dodds has broken down the process of diagnosing child obesity into five simple questions for parents:

  1. Does your son/daughter resemble an overfed hippo in any way?
  2. Is your son/daughter wider than he/she is tall? (Note: ensure child is standing upright before checking)
  3. Does your child eat large quantities of food in sickening amounts of time?
  4. Is shopping for clothes and finding a big enough size for your child a present issue?
  5. Has your child ever threatened to eat you?

Often there is a sixth question, mainly posed to British parents, and that is: 6. Why on earth did you visit the Cadbury's factory on your own?

What To Do About It[edit]

If your child is diagnosed with child obesity, remain calm. Take ten deep breaths. Remember that it isn't your child's fault. On second thought, it probably is your child's fault. It's probably your fault too. But still remain calm. Do not hurt your child to vent your anger.

Consult your doctor to learn about possible diets you can put your child on. Remember that vegetables, fruit, and ice cubes are most nutritious for your child, while meats, oils, and Burger King are not. Visit the grocery store and ask the clerk about healthy frozen dinners. After you've established a healthy diet for your child, it's important to encourage exercise. Visit your nearby General Store to purchase a small leather whip. This can be a good tool to whip your child with while chasing him around your yard. Running is best for cutting down excess fat, and whips serve as a motive for a child to run.

If after three months, exercise and a healthier diet haven't done enough to reclaim your child from obesity, consult his/her pediatrician and strangle them as politely as possible.

And if all this fails, and you want to get rid of all that fat the child has (or the child itself), perhaps its time to try something more drastic.

Relationship with Child Molestation[edit]

Despite the fact that child obesity is a serious issue, one will find that it is a huge preventative of child molestation. Child molesters are statistically discouraged by child obesity, considering the child's private parts are usually buried in layers upon layers of fat.

Notable Victims of Child Obesity[edit]

Chunk from the Goonies, Jacob Sandlin, and, uh, Josh Peck. Hm...that's about it. Doesn't seem that the American media is too accepting of 300-pound toddlers.

Further Reading[edit]

The Issue of Child Obesity in America, Clifford Gets Diabetes, and 1001 Reasons Why Not to Be a Fat Kid.