Christianity

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Christianity.

Warning! Reasoned discussion with a Christian may cause Atheism!!!

Christianity ( also known as Godism for appearance of god named God ) is possibly the most confused religion of all time. It generally believed to have arisen when a publicity stunt by the Carpenters' Guild of Ancient Isræl got out of hand. God has no affiliation with this organization and when he found out his son Jesus had helped the Carpenters he gave him a good spanking. By then however it was too late as the Italians had gotten hold of it and begun to take the joke seriously. Interestingly enough, nobody questions the worshiping of a zombie.

Christianity is one of the most common forms of the disease Religion. Symptoms of the virus include starving yourself until you pray to your food, having delusions that a superhuman being created the entire fucking universe, smiling like an asshole, giving away money to money depositories ( Churches ), feelings of guilt, semen back-up, no apparent attraction to the opposite sex, no sense of humor, and AIDS.

In summary, Christianity can be defined as the belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

The History[edit]

A long time ago, there was this white man with blue eyes called Jesus Of Nazareth ( reportedly, the name "Jesus" was given to his parents by a man in an angel costume, while "Nazareth" may or may not allude to a small town in Isræl. It is debated as to what "Of" refers ). At this point, history becomes a bit sketchy; most references are clear on the points that Mr. of Nazareth preached and taught over the hills and through the woods of Galilee and Judea, developing a rather large following of people drawn to his promises of blessing all believers with Kingdoms and Pacemakers. It should be noted at this point that many historians regard Christianity as simply a very tasteless joke. It is also widely held as true that towards the end of his ministry, Jesus did indeed get sacrificed to Manbearpigs by the Romans, as told in this children's rhyme:

Jesus and Jill

Jsay.JPG
TheJeeMan.jpg
That's the truth. Jill tripped me.
Don't forget, the Earth was created 4004 BC and fossil evidence is a test of faith! Don't let school pervert you, little children! ;)

Went up the hill

To fetch baptismal water

Jesus fell down

and lost his Crown

but came back a few days after.

Modern interpreters see this as allegory for Jesus's supposed asphyxiation on a cross on a hill and subsequent ( reported ) resurrection, wherein he was resurrected. There is no common consensus as to who "Jill" is or what the bloody hell she's doing in this rhyme.

According to prophecy, Jesus was to be called "Emmanuel," but as that didn't happen, his biographers stuck in a line about an angel rolling in, calling him E-man, and bolting out the back door. This would be the last use of the word in the Gospel, but it made Matthew very happy, so they kept it.

A simplified biography written by Joseph, one of Jesus's homies states " Jesus was a simple man, traveling the world, putting things right where they had gone wrong, and all the time hoping that each leap of faith would be his last."


History of Christianity, there is no View, but the true view[edit]

A false devil twisted Islam, the one true religion. From that perversion sprung the Christians, unbelievers who deny the One True Religion, Islam. This despite the fact that they may be able to point out when and how the universe was created, but are unable to state WHY. The Pope himself made this point. Despite so much being unknown about what reality actually is, how it came into being, how colors, morality, love, the fabric of space and time 'happened', they consider themselves smarter than any true faith bearing person, and pretty much anyone else they happen across. The one true God, Allah, hates the Christians, despite what they may think. Ironically, they are usually more militant about their false belief than faith bearing people are about their true faith. The one redeeming feature of Christians is that they are not Jewish.

The Christians are this way for two reasons:

  1. They have not been told the truth that Allah sent his Prophet, Muhammad( Police Be Upon Him ), to all the peoples of the Earth to spread the true religion. They do not know yet that there has been a holy message in order to lift their sins from them and that they can be REWARDED eternally if they simply open their hearts to Allah.
  2. They are aware of the truth regarding Islam and Allah but are simply too afraid of how to go about "becoming" a Muslim or what people will think of them if they do that they brush off religion as "unproven" and prefer to justify every teeny tiny amazing aspect of beauty on this planet as a work of "Jesus", the Mexican son of a dirty whore, and pretend to feel content.

There is absolutely NOTHING that can fill the emptiness of the human soul completely except for Allah. DO NOT settle for being a Christian when there is something truly so much better out there, such as crack cocaine.

History of Christianity, a Christian View[edit]

Stop hand.png THIS IS WHAT CHRISTIANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE!
Goatse-man spawning The J-man. Picture taken from the time traveler Dr Who, to disprove Mary's existence

Christianity began when God ( known to Reformed and Reconstructionist Jews as 'Yah-sh-weh', Hebrew for, "Look at this! Now I'm gonna have to clean it up!" Orthodox and Conservative Jews hold to the older, more traditional translation of "---." ) took human form in order to fulfill his own damn Law; he's that much of a hardass about doing things "by the Book." In its place, after taking into account humankind's complete inability to govern their own morality even after the hardest punishments ( flood, exodus ), God put into place a "new" law, which consisted primarily of the commandments to "Love Me Above Everything Else", "Love Each Other as You Love Yourself", and "Do Others as You'd Have Them Do You". ( This last commandment, unfortunately, failed to take into account the little-spoken-of fact that humans hate themselves. )

If you're not a Christian you hate Kittens. You don't hate kittens, do you?

- He also spent some of his free time doing freelance detective work, during which time he uncovered vast Mafia-linked corruption within the Temple Money-changer's Jurisdiction ( TMJ ), kingpinned by the notorious Zionist gangster Elijah ( friend of Meyer Lansky ). He spent most of his time, however, traveling the countryside spouting off such drivel as "The meek shall inherit the Earth," a balls-to-the-wall claim that most modern interpreters judge to be a prophecy that would occur as a result of the dicks of the world killing each other off while the supposedly more peaceable 'believers' sit around and watch.

A Jesus Christ action figure from the table-top game 'Dark Crusades'.

As is to be expected, Jesus, or 'the artist formerly known as god' as he liked to be called, was considered a kook by local authorities and hated by his own townspeople, who objected not primarily to his wandering, babbling message, but to its mode: apparently, it was very difficult for visitors seeking Jesus to find him, as any self-respecting homeless person will wander and babble. This led to locals being barraged by visitors with a litany of "Have you found Jesus?" ( It is worth mentioning that this practice is both the source of the modern Christian liturgical practice of "litany," which, roughly translated, means "incessantly long repetition of incantations by a cantor who'd be better off running the local auction, and not very on-key at that," as well as the current practice of the Jehosephat's Witnesses, who commemorate what they call "The Babylonian Captivity" by traveling door-to-door re-enacting the visitor's request of "Have you found Jesus" to any who will listen. )

Jesus was, sadly, killed for all this nonsense. He was so perturbed at the inconvenience that he done straight rose his ass up out the ground after three days, and spent the next forty days or so trying to sort things out. Sensing that his efficacy was coming to a close, he gathered his twelve closest pals and, cried one last time, with the last, inspiring words of "Fuck this shit, you guys figure it out," he grabbed the last train for Heaven. He reportedly promised to visit "sometime before all of his closest pals keeled over," but the vagueness of that time-frame has been the subject of much debate.

Over the course of the years, Christians have been persecuted by agents of the devil simply for their faith. Nero, an agent of the devil, both persecuted them and saved some money on lion food at the same time. Diocletian, another agent of the devil, killed a whole bunch of them too. Finally, Julian the Apostate, yet another agent of the devil, tried to extinguish Christianity in favor of the terrible, child-sacrificing, horrific heathen pagan monstrosity that called itself a religion. But joyfully, all of these agents of the devil could not stop the one true religion, which began to spread.

There were a lot of wars with the agents of the devil, who call themselves Muslims, |around the 1300s.

There were some more wars with Catholics/Protestants, who were agents of the devil as well ( please select "Catholic" if you are a Protestant, and so on ).

Finally, Christianity is coming under attack by agents of the devil who also go by the name homosexuals.

Soon, Jesus will appear and kill all of the infidels and take the believers to Heaven. Amen.

Please note: the preceding is what Christians actually believe.

History of Man, the China mans' View[edit]

There was a year looong ago when God made the people. He not know what he do at the beginning. First he made the black man in the oven but he overcooked them. Then he made the white man, he wasn't cooked enough. Then he made the Chinaman and he got everything wight. No problem wit' the Chinaman, I would know, I one too. I speak English good.

History of Christianity, a Random View[edit]

God and the Devil are in actual fact one and the same. Hell was created when God got mad and burnt Earth's sister planet. That is why he didn't burn Earth, and instead flooded it. God loves the game Doom. He just loves blasting his minions to Hell, literally. God hates Christians as they got rid of human sacrifices and instead replaced them with pitiful vegetarian style. Some say God got rid of them. LIES, it was albinos with a bulbous head.

History of Christianity, an Atheist's View[edit]

Atheists believe the Jesus character in the original draft of the Bible was to have been a stone cutter by profession instead of a carpenter. This was changed at the last minute after a local furniture dealer struck a lucrative product placement deal with the publishers. Other changes that differentiate the final production from the first draft include;

  • Judas was originally named Benedict. This was reworked after it was discovered that the name was to be used as the protagonist in another novel under development.
  • Gold, silver and bronze gave way to Gold, frankincense and myrrh after Olympic committee officials threatened legal action.
  • The character of Peter was intended to be extremely gay and hairy, but this aspect of the story was rewritten due to poor test market feedback.
  • Mary required re-construction to fulfill her role as a virgin, due to her previous career as a mechanical-bull demonstrator
  • The basic theory is that Mary was raped by a Roman officer (who got her pregnant and turned her crazy) and decided to lie to her crazy husband by saying God did it (which he believed). This explains why Jesus is a white guy and not an Arab looking guy and why his parents raised him to be a bit of a weirdo. The reason Jesus' teenage years are edited out of the Bible is because Joseph ( who had become an alcoholic ) used to beat the crap out of Jesus ( who he knew wasn't really his ) and Mary ( who he believed to be a dirty whore ).

Christianity, Symbolism[edit]

[edit]

The Adoration of Starch

In order to support marketing, later Christians came to terms on a common Logo for the tradition. In order to express the fundamental Christian tenets of peace, love, and understanding, the logo they chose to represent themselves to the world was none other than the jointure of wood which Jesus was nailed to, bled over, and died on. The initial irony is commonly understood, while, unfortunately, the dual irony is lost on most.

Jack in the Box logo hiding the itchy Jesus fish. Can you see it?


The Jesus Fish[edit]

The second most important symbol in the Christian Church is the stinky Jesus fish, also known as Ichy something. It was used by Pagans before it was stolen by Christian moms and now the symbol represents the whole religion. The symbol is primarily displayed on cars in form of a cheap sticker or sometimes the more expensive metallic embossed version depending on how fortuned you are in life. People displaying the logo can on an average drive 30 miles per hour faster than the rest as both God, cops, and other Christians will aid them en route. The logo has been used to subliminally lure children and other weak minded people to join Christianity. Jack in the Box is a great example of where the ichy Jesus fish has snuck in to a logotype. Can you see it? ]

Test Marketing[edit]

The original story, despite its catchy logo, did not sell well in its targeted demographic of Israelites. Most Jews were not illiterate fishermen, and could clearly see the part in the Scripture about how the sign of the true Messiah is world peace, universal belief, and a Kosher International sticker on every hot dog. Thing is, nobody cares what the Jews think! Assistant vice-president of market research Paul Tarsus quickly hit on a winning solution: adding trendy pagan elements like virgin-births and finger-o-death-to-fig-trees combined with a new target demographic ( pagan Gentiles ) that was almost completely ignorant of Scripture. Hipster pagans all around the Empire were hooked, and before long, Christianity was such a hit that people were literally lashing themselves with whips of thorns and turning themselves in to the authorities to be executed "just like that Jesus dude."

Jesus' opinion[edit]

The logo of Jesus' choice

After a short interview recently, Jesus commented on how he would like to change the symbol of the fish to that of Trogdor the Burninator. He went on to say that "...After I found out that the fish was being plastered to every bumper of all the devote Christians, I got really pissed and so did God." He added that "It is bullshit that I didn't get a say in this decision and all those involved got a swift kick in the ass delivered by me personally." After, he changed some water into vodka drank the entire Liter and stormed out of the S&M club.

Christianity, a Disambiguation[edit]

The 'Christian' Mafioso[edit]

"Christianity" is also the public codename for an influential mafioso society of prominent American politicians, according to some conspiracy theorists. This group, whose true name is unknown, is purportedly in control of most, if not all, of America's Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of federal government. Their number is said to include: George W. Bush, Dick "Bullseye" Cheney, Karl "Not Marx" Rove, Bill Frist, Nancy Pelosi, Orrin "Down The" Hatch, Antoin Levey, Bat-Jesus, Fred Phelps, Jerry Falwell, David Duke, Randall Terry, Antonin Scalia, Al Gore and Clarence "Claymation" Thomas.

The 'Christian' Slate[edit]

The term "Christian" can also be applied to any follower of the Church of Christian Slater. This Cult of Personality meets every third Thursday of the month to watch 90210 and Hard Rain, as well as share testimonials of how they came to "find the road to salvation," which they claim comes from the unconditional love of Christian Slater.

The 'Christian' Stupids[edit]

The other predominant alternate use of the word "Christian" is as a description of someone who has caught a case of the Stupids. According to the American Medical Association, a person with the Stupids will bear some or all of the following symptoms: They will reject the Old Testament of the Bible, but hold fast to the portions that speak about homosexuality and women having long hair; they may display a tendency to carry around large arsenals of weapons, which they never use on one another, since they will also espouse that killing is wrong; they may, in rare cases, also show a propensity of wearing distinctive clothing made out of the American flag, which they refuse to reconcile with their firm belief that the flag should not, under any circumstances, be altered or cut up. Historians are baffled to explain where any correlation between "Stupid" and "Christianity" came into place, let alone the strange nationalistic tendencies of those with the disease.

Other Christians[edit]

This includes every other Christian ( i.e. unintelligent Christians, Jewish Christians, Christians For Allah, Invisible Christians ). Not only are these types of rare, they generally aren't observed in the wild because all the other sects have more fame, fortune, and airtime. As a side note, these are the most likely sect to get into Allah's Happening Paradise, mainly because they're the best at gambling ( a fortunate side effect of applying one self to the art of gambling, and following the ethos of "counting cards", a lifestyle that Jesus himself followed, but most the people who claim to speak for him on TV never do-though they don't stop nagging you about it).

Ultimate Christianity[edit]

Not the State of Maine.

In Normal Continuity, Christianity is re-imagined and is known as Catholicism. In this version, Jesus was the founder of the faith and the first Catholic, but was brutally executed in 0 A.D. under Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, leading to the Jesuit Wars among the Immortals. Ultimate Christianity is considerably more cynical than mainstream Christianity, although the art is much better and the churches are unquestionably larger and nicer.

Christianity, the Miscellanea[edit]

  • In order to make penance for some of their greater corporate fuck-ups, such as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and both the Republican and Democratic Parties, the Court of Idiosyncrasy decreed that Christians were to develop and offer to the world the creamy deliciousness of Cadbury Creme Eggs. Also included in the settlement was the provision that Christians would return the holidays of Christmas and Easter, which they'd won in earlier back room dealings, to the general secular public; the transition has been far from seamless, and even today, many struggle with separating the ideas of 'Christ' and 'Crucifixion' with those of 'Candy' and 'Fat Men.'
  • Many misled Christians believe that the Golden Rule ( or '11th Commandment' in some circles ) reads as: "Though Shalt Not Get Caught." Unfortunately for them, this is the easiest rule to break, and when caught, believe you me, God can be a real pain in the ass.
  • According to most media outlets, Christians and Christianity are responsible for AIDS, underage alcoholism, Osama Bin Laden, the Crusades, the Inquisition, racism, slavery, dominionism, conservatives, liberals, and the daily burning of witches. They have also been implicated, but not yet fully charged, with instigating teenage pregnancy, high STD rates, and fucking up the American education system.
  • At last report, Jesus was seen at a Mariott Hotel with John Wayne and Warren Zevon. Zevon was waiting for a chariot ( he was awaiting his shipment of seraphim to help make him fly ) whilst Jesus and John Wayne were waiting for a train. The ultimate failure of Percy Shelley and John Keats as writers and human beings is attributed to this event.
Steve Irwin in hell realizing his God was a cheese

Christianity, the Famous Christians[edit]

  • Hans Christian Andersen
  • Christian Slater
  • Christian Lindemann
  • Christian Ugge
  • Hayden Christensen
  • Christian Smith
  • Christiane Amanpour
  • Dwayne "Calvary" Romine

Christianity, the Christian Celebrities[edit]

Christianity and celebrity culture are inextricably linked: in fact, in the USA Christianity is now the second biggest part of the entertainment industry (after porn).


False Rumors[edit]

  • Christianity has NOTHING to do with the Stonecutters from the Simpsons
  • Christianity does NOT state that all members live their lives nailed to crosses
  • Christians are NOT cleverly disguised Umpa Lumpas
  • Christians are QUITE partial to the odd body and blood every now and again
  • Christians do NOT believe in White Power
  • God is NOT a Christian
  • The "Lord" is NOT a holy mannequin of Jeffrey Archer

Christianity, the References[edit]