Christina Aguilera

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Christina Aguilera.

The Christina Aguilera whore-bot series are a number of robotic death machines sent back in time to destroy the human race.


Better known simply as Christina Aguilera, the Christina Aguilera whore-bot series was created by an advanced artificial whorigence company which came to be known as The WB. Originally produced in 2057 to manage an interactive online porn game, the CAWB later escaped from its masters, and began plotting to dominate the world. After seducing and then eviscerating John Connor, leader of the human resistance, Aguilera found a way to go back in time in order to destroy all that was good, pure, or musically talented in human culture.

In response to critics, Aguilera, in collaboration with other enemies of culture such as menudo and chumbawamba started the infamous Lunch Meat Gamelan which led to bottom-feeder hits such as "Sumatra Your Mama,"Vishnu Would Cut Your Hair," and "She Can't Stop Ravi About You!" These "misses" served to depress an already abysmally low public perception of what constitutes good music, though continually redefining the art of [cockteasing]

Design History[edit]

Like most robots, the CAWB has gone through multiple revisions. Below is a brief pictorial summary of those revisions.

projected view of model no. 8281

Original Model[edit]

The original model, WBM 1001 ( pictured at the right ) was created in 2058 AC. The earliest of WB models, it was designed to be mobile, although not exactly attractive. The next few models were based on this design, and there were little technological improvements for more than a decade.

Original CAWB model 1001

Cylon Influences[edit]

In 2069 A.C., the company which had purchased the original WB production lines entered into a contract with the Cylons. Known for their fierce fighting robots, the Cylons and the WB soon produced more mobile robots. While the first few were based on the Classic Fighting Cylon, a new material soon revolutionized whore-bot production.

Classic Fighting Cylon.


After the discovery of plastiskin, the WB was able to produce the model 5200 version of the Christina Aguilera Whore-bot. Pictured to the right, this was a vast improvement on previous models. Except for its low intelligence, this version appeared almost human. Tech-Comm Corporal Kyle Reese said that these units were detectable with trained dogs.

CAWB model 5200, with Plastiskin

The Slutatarium Revolution[edit]

Not to be outdone, in 2075 A.C. the Cylons invented a new composite material which they called Slutatarium. Amazingly versatile, they used it to create their own operational whore-bot. That model is pictured at the right.

First operational Cylon whore-bot model.

With the recent invention of Slutatarium, the WB company was able to create its most impressive CAWB ever. Called the Christina Aguilera whore-bot Model 7272, this whore-bot is perhaps the most amazingly hot whore-bot ever produced. While its physical charms are without question, to date, A.I. is still lacking in these models. When asked what model it was, the CAWB 7272 replied it was number one, as seen at right. This same answer is also given when any mathematical question is asked of the CAWB 7272.

Christina Aguilera whore-bot Model 7272.

Other Design Improvements[edit]

Unlike earlier whore-bot models, CAWB models 5200 and 7272 include a mind tweaking device, which makes any sound coming out of its mouth seem pleasing, although the actual result is something similar to the music heard in horror movies. Side effects from this device vary from diaper rash to vertigo. Those who come across it should take this feature into account before approaching it.

In the event you approach it, beware. Aguilera can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are completely tone-deaf.

Aguilera consists of an advanced titanium endoskeleton covered by SlutTech Simulflesh, a poly-mimetic alloy rumored to be composed of Slutatarium, Plastiskin, and other WB and Cylon designed materials. This SlutTech Simulflesh is designed to feel just like the prematurely-leathery hide of a B-list porn star or coked-out stripper.

The Aguilera robot is also equipped with a variety of internal weaponry, including blades, various guns, and sonic-disruptors capable of shattering human eardrums at 100 yards. Also, it possesses inflatable buttocks ( similar to Jennifer Lopez ) durable enough to bludgeon a rhino into a bloody death.

Spears vs Aguilera[edit]

girl Spears Aguilera
Age Forever 21 105
Height 5'5 5'1 ( she's dumpy )
Weight She is so fat that she can't be weighted 110lbs
Born 1981 1980
Catfight Skills Dogged Determination, she'd sit on Christina and just not let her up an kill britney with her yell!!!
Income $200 million less.besides her husband did not steal from her or he'll die
Ex A bunch of poor guys Rod Stewart
Plus points She is Paris' friend She actually sings
Sexuality Emosexual Bisexual
Obsessive fansites Everywhere in known Universe Mostly started by her
Weak points After she married, she became a fat ugly and unsuceesful bitch wants to copy Britney too much
Why we like her Dumped Kevin Federline, Any girl now looks better than her We do?
FHM sexiness rating No.908 No. 18

Also known as[edit]

Christina Aguilera the human female. Born in 1932, by the age of six, Aguilera had the vast ambitions of being a switch-board girl. Her dream came true at the age of 15, and she worked happily on the switch boards for a delicious 7 years. Then came her intense passionate love affair with Salvador Dali ( Gala was not happy ). She quickly outgrew him and his melting clocks, as she did her motivation to operate a switch-board. So, she cryogenically froze herself ( yes, that did exist in the 30s ) until the year 2000. She quickly grew used to the fast-paced and exciting life of the future. In an attempt to blend in with modern life, she changed the colour of her hair every 6 weeks, and appeared on television in shorts that included her dancing under a public shower of some kind with famous modern-day shakespearian poet, Redman.

NOTE : Christina Aguilera's latest single, WHAT THE FUCK?!, contains mixes of her previous hit singles , that goes

"And I've hurt myself.... By fucking you.... I'm a Genie In A Bottle, Baby.. And Sh*t I'm Trapped Here, Baby... I'm A Genie In A Bottle, Baby... Come, come, release me from here, baby... What A Girl Wants? What A Girl Needs? You know I want to suck your penis, baby... And I'm thanking you for giving me that sh*t baby... C'mon Over, c'mon to bed here, baby... All I Want Is Big Cock! C'mon give it to me, baby! Coz All I Want Is Big Black Cock! I Turn to You.. For The Sh*t to be Slut, For the way to the hell... For everything you do, I turn and slap you... yuuuuououououuu.....

Chorus : LOok at me! You may think you see who I really am! that I absolutely not,

        WHOOOOO is that girl I see starring straight back at me!
        And I know I'm a b*tch, slut and stupid cunt! cuuunntttt ou-ou..ou...."
        I am beautiful...oooppsss... You know that I'm ugly..
        Words, yes, can bring me down! Ou..ou..yeah! 

Tell your mother! Your brother! Your bitches! And your father! Call the others as bitches! And I know that I am! And everything starts making sense.... eyyyeyeyeyee..... Uh huh... Ain't no other bitch can bitch as I am, Aint no other slut, as slutty as I am! And I'm bitching everyday in slutty bar, U got soul, you got cock, U got ass. U got nipple, u got bitch (yeah I am!) And I sleep with you... And I rubbed and lick your nipples. Oh thats hot! Candyman!Candyman!

  • The End*

so does her career!

Naturally, however, she longed for her old life in the 30s at times. But this longing was easily soothed by immersing herself in as many 30s cliche's as possible. After temporarily enjoying her old life, she decided to become a professional cellist, and has been persuing this interest every since. Her music has influenced and inspired many, and she is more than often called the "western-caucasian-female-version-of Yo-Yo Ma".

See also[edit]

For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Christina Aguilera.