Chunky Water is a much less popular version of water and considered one of the greatest marketing failures of all time.
While working in his lab in April 1889, Dr. Artemis X. Quarles accidentally invented chunky water. While working with chunks and water in an attempt to invent the door knob, he bumped the chunks and they fell into the water. Since Quarles was totally high on a honics/ Kitten drug mix (called Phitten), he thought that the new brew tasted "like chicken!" He immediately rushed out to sell the drink. However, he and his lab fell into a time warp and did not return until 2004.
Pepsi-Cola Purchases The Recipe
Pepsi was struggling in 2004, and was trying to counter the wildly popular new Coca-Cola drink Cheese Berry Coke. They were seemingly out of options when a frazzled old man in a lab coat staggered into their surprisingly low-security headquarters with flailing arms and wholly unkempt hair screaming about chunky water. The Pepsi honchos tasted the drink and proceeded to immediately suffer from acute syphilis, but were desperate and thus purchased the recipe.
The following recipe was bought for 1.1 billion dollars.
- 13 chunks
- 1 glass water.
Add chunks to water. Stir.
Focus groups were highly successful, as they consisted primarily of dead people and lepers. The dead people responded to the drink with "silent approval" and the lepers were just glad to be accepted into society.
The positive results of the focus group led Pepsi to release Chunky Water to the public on December 31, 2004.
Chunky Water for sale
In a monumental waste of money, Pepsi put over $1 billion towards the marketing of Chunky Water, breaking down as thus:
- $50,000,000 in TV ads
- $100,000,000 in endorsements, which included Lou Ferrigno, and Tamia.
- $3,000,000 for the creation of a fleet of "Chunk Wagons," large vans that would patrol metropolitan areas promoting Chunk Water and handing out free samples.
- $50,000,000 in product placement. Such instances included Pong! the Movie and the failed sitcom Satan and Dolly, a zany show about unlikely roommates Satan and Dolly Parton.
- $100,000 in billboards, such as one that appeared on the Sunset Strip featuring a cute kid and the words "Mmm, them chunks is GOOD!"
- $900,000 was the cost to produce enough Chunky Water for every retail establishment in the world.
- The remaining $809,000,000 was promptly set on fire, with the ashes being flushed down a toilet.
Chunky Water sold twelve cans, six of which were from a vending machine in Dayton, Ohio where the buttons for Chunky Water and Cheese Berry Coke were switched.
The CEO of Pepsi, Winston Churchill Jr., was shot and killed by Floot Dougie, who drank Chunky Water on a dare and consequently suffered a heart attack.
Effects of Chunky Water
The effects of Chunky Water are bad news bears.
- Acute syphilis
- Heart attack
- Eternal damnation
- Sudden appreciation for Disco music
- Super AIDS
- An inexplicable urge to move to Detroit
- Inability to find Waldo
- Death by hanging
- Gillian McKeith