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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cleopatra.
Cleopatra was beautiful before she was mummified.


Anyways, on with the story. Cleopatra was born so long ago the Ancient Greeks called that particular time Ancient Greece.

She was so fat that it took 17 intensive surgeries to remove her from her mother's tummy. When she was finally slopped out of the womb, she was weighed and totaled to be over 790 pounds. Fatass.

Nowadays, due to education dumbing down, we just call the whole thing Ancient Greece. As a side note, when exactly did Ancient Greece become simply known as Greece?

More on Birth[edit]

Anyways, on with the story. When Cleopatra was born, she was declared on the spot the most beautiful woman in existence. So it can be said she was a bit of a late arrival. Her early life was marred by the death of her parents in a bizarre snake-charming trick they learned off a dodgy bloke in a rain mac who sold them the technique for 50 drachma and a piece of pie. From that moment on, snakes would feature heavily in her life, especially as her hobby was trying to perfect the trick that killed her parents. Eventually, out of sheer weariness and boredom, the snake finally performed the trick after years of abuse, only to find itself on the streets as a performer, known as Cleopatra's Snake. The growing popularity of Christianity ( in 400BC, might I add ) led to snakes being literally demonized. Cleopatra's Snake found itself on a downward spiral resulting in subsisting on a diet of mice and finally, in a fit of depression, the snake hanged itself with its own tail.


Anyways, on with the story. The Ancient Greeks, from Ancient Greece, invaded the Ancient Egyptians in Ancient Egypt. The Ancient Greeks won out, and Ptolemy became the first non-Ancient Egyptian to become King of Ancient Egypt. An Ancient Roman, Julius Caesar, for some reason, was given a position of power and inherited the Ancient Greco-Egyptian Empire.

Marc Antony[edit]

The son of a spendthrift father, Marc Antony became a man whore in the territory in Rome controlled by Plutarch. The vivacious but illiterate young man was picked up from the streets by Julius Caesar based on his charms. However, after the death of Caesar, the lack of protection forced him into exile.

In the port of Ostia, he caught the eye of a dispossessed Egyptian princess, Cleopatra Philopator, who was disguised as a man. Before Cleopatra could make inquiries, Marc Antony was beset by a band of brigands led by Fulvia. He was sold to King Nicomadeus of Bythynia, where he became a royal favorite who garnered the jealousy of the court. When Mithradates of Pontus invaded, he commanded the armies of Bythynia but was betrayed by a false missive reportedly from the king. He was caught in an ambush, and was left for dead. Picked up by slavers, he was sold to Numenia to a brothel owned by Heliogabalus, who was of the Cult of Cybele. Retaining no memory of his past, he almost became the consort of Heliogabalus had not Cleopatra rode into the city with a mercenary army, first having looted the mint at Lugdunum.

Heliogabalus fled, and was torn apart by the people waiting outside. Still disguised as a man, Cleopatra installed herself on the thrones of Numenia, instituated a variety of popular reforms, and due to the demands of tradition, married Marc Antony. She conquered Egypt with him and they were hailed as Isis and Osiris. Later, Herodotus on his travels recorded that he saw freizes and statuary dedicated to Marc Antony from her husband Cleopatra; he saw it as another reversal in the Egyptian life. The exiled poet Ovid, who was also said to have rejected Octavian's advances, was said to have written a fourth book to his "Ars Amortoria" in Alexandria based on the erotic potentials of such a union.

Rule and Death[edit]

Anyways, on with the story. Cleo became Queen of Ancient Egypt and was afforded riches that Mr Pink could never have tipped her. Once again, however, her happy life was marred by the fact that Marc was gay, and she never had kids. At least, not by him. Resentful of this, she took to shoving living snakes up her you-know-what, not realizing that you need sperm for this and in her mind, snake venom would do. Getting bored because the snakes up there, out of sheer desperation she opted for a pearl necklace. Alas, the snake bit her and she died.

Famous Affairs[edit]

Cleopatra was notorious for her numerous affairs with celebrities and nobodies alike. Noted in her black book were K-Fed, Mark Twain, Herodotus, Socrates, Janet Jackson, Bill Clinton, Eddie Izzard, and her personal favorite Kevin Smith.

The End[edit]

Anyways, on with the story. Cleopatra got in a horrific skiing accident when she was an elder and she died along with two broken legs, a snapped neck, and rolls of bubbling fat all down her body.

What, no more on her?[edit]

Piss off, I'm finished.