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Living in Confusionism

~ Phyllis Hyman

Confusionism is a Japanese religion that started when Mystical Chick made "Confusius say" jokes to her relatives: "Confusius say, tie your shoes. Now, Confusius say bend over backwards and snort apple juice from your drinking straws while praying to your favorite Kami. Confused yet? " Nonetheless to say, this was a hit, because nobody could figure out what Confusius actually said, so they had to accept Mystical Chick's version.

A Flag found in many Confusionist Churches

Another body of scholarly opinion maintains that Confusionism is derived from Confusion. Such scholars are, of course, irresponsible cranks. Japan's official religon is Fanatical Extremist Confusionism, which explains why Japan is in fact, completely whacked out - and yet a perfectly coherent, predictable, and understandable country.

Confusionism in China[edit]

When the Chinese hoid about all this, they were too busy having sex with each other to do anything about it. In addition, the women all had bound feet, so they weren't anxious to walk to the ship to Japan. Hence, China did nothing, even though Mao Zedong, who wasn't even born yet, tried to come down from Mt. Everest and exhort them to make a 5,000-year plan to adopt Confusionism as part of the People's Communist Red Maoist Marxist Nonsense Pogrom™.

This plan involved, among other things, the development of the People's Super-Duper Time-Travel Machine, through which one of Mao's more troublesome brothers-in-law was shipped off to 2,000 years into the past to retroactively create the philosophy of Confusionism, thereby enabling China to lay historical claim to it.

Confusionism in Vietnam[edit]

The Vietnamese, however, were another story, and eagerly embraced Mystical Chick's teachings. Vietnam picked up on it and promptly decided to rename Hanoi to Saigon and Saigon to I Love Your Mom. For that, the Japanese sent a ship over to Madonna's Fine Titty and everybody let out a loud belch, which caused a few degrees of global warming due to methane. Nobody cared.

Confusionism in Korea[edit]

Korea was an early retroactive adopter of Confusionism, importing it from China after the aforementioned time-travelling incident perpetrated by those crafty Maoists. It became known in Korea as Neo-Confusionism, named for the teachings of the dumb people in the famous movie Matrix—My Life as a Two-Dimensional Freak.


All services are held on the third Friday of each month, unless the first Monday has better feng shui, in which case the first Monday and the second Thursday are used. Upon commencement, everyone hops around on one foot and tries to say something out loud. Naturally, nobody can hear anyone else, so the Head Caliph Rabbi has to step up to the Confusius Podium and shout, "HEY! SHADDUP ALREADY! I CAN'T HE-AH MYSELF THINK!" Of course, everyone ignores this and continues talking. Finally, he or she gives up, waves a stick of incense or a bong in the air, and stomps out of there, whereupon everyone cheers and does an ecstatic dance, with some rather intimate overtones. Booze is passed around, and the service ends when someone passes out from the drink.