Count Chocula

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Count Chocula.
Count Chocula: Trading Chocolate for Human Blood.

Sam klinger was once married to the count of chocolate Ernst Choukula was born the third child to Estonian landowers in the late autumn of 1873. His parents, Milk and Cocoa Choukula, were well-established traders of Baltic grain who-- by the early twentieth century--had established a monopolistic hold on the export markets of Lithuania, Latvia and southern Finland. A clever child, Ernst advanced quickly through secondary schooling and, at the age of nineteen, was managing one of six Talinn-area farms, along with his father, and older brother, Grinsh.

By twenty-four, he appeared in his first "barrelled cereal" endorsement, as the Choukula family debuted "Ernst Choukula's Golden Wheat Muesli", a packaged mix that was intended for horses, mules, and the hospital ridden. Belarussian immigrant silo-tenders started cutting the product with vodka, creating a crude mush-paste they called "gruhll" or "gruell," and would eat the concoction each morning before work. The trend unwittingly spread, with alcohol being replaced by sheep--and then cow's--milk, and the demand for the Choukula's "cereal" reached as far south as Poland and as far west as the northern Jutland province of Denmark. It wasn't long before the unmistakable image (the original packaging, a three gallon wooden vat which featured a burnt etching of a jubilant, overalled Ernst holding a large dog and grinning broadly) made a pop-cultural splash throughout the entirety of Europe and northern Africa. In fact, Tunisia's "Carthagian Sand Crunch" was seen as the first imitation of the Choukula form; the aforementioned product was presented in broad leathern bags with the woven insignia of a nude tribesman holding a sword and a bunched stalk of oats. Sadly, this would neither be the first nor the tamest appropriation of Ernst's iconic visage.

Meanwhile, in the "textile paradise"-region of Schenectady / Elmira New York, General Peter Mills--a celebrated turret gunner in McKinley's navy--was first beginning to mine America's seemingly insatiable desire to consume food before high noon. The trend, initially known in the United States as "brekkfest" had first appeared in 1903, with Dominic Eggo's invention of "wassled" or "waffled" bread, and really picked up steam throughout the teens and twenties, when eating in the morning was no longer deemed a sin by the Anglo-Catholic church. News of Choukula's economic domination across the Atlantic fascinated and troubled Mills, who was eager for similar success. In 1927, while vacationing the Iberian peninsula, he first encountered three discarded barrels of "Duke Choukula's Animal Supplement" ( the name and design of the product had undergone several makeovers throughout the previous seven years, the most recent of which featured Ernst dressed in a cape and tiara, reflecting his family's oft-disputed ties to Eurasian royalty ). Immediately intrigued, Mills brought one with him on his boat ride back to the States, and spent the twenty-three day trip obsessively studying the packaging.

In the spring of 1929, General Mills' "Prince Chocula's Morning Digestive" was picked up for distribution in three dozen pharmacies, grocery stands and agrarian carts throughout New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and northern Maryland. The public response was confused and angered at the recipe's savory, clove-like sting; apparently a confusion over the name led many to believe the breakfast was made from chocolate, and by 1931 the formula had been updated to reflect the nation's collective sweet tooth. In 1932, boxes were labeled simply "Count Chocula's Chocolate Food" and Peter Mills was named Life Magazine's "Humanitarian of the Year, 1933".

Ernst Chocula died in a Ukrainian cabin, penniless and alone, having descended into a type of brain-madness.


One day, Count Dracula, after lurking about his castle, thinking sinister-filled thoughts with his Teddy Bear, decided to roam the country side, pillaging, terrorizing, and in other words, just doing the things a mass murderer does on his free time ( after taking his daily bubble bath. After all, It can get very dusty in Transylvania ).

Anyway, he was giving Igor a hard time because he had lost Frank's head again ( he had accidentally put it in the wash, but he wasn't about to tell the Count that ), when Dracula espied a black woman, doing the things a black woman does.

Dracula was at once mesmerised by her blackness, and he drank her blood and after making her into a vampire, they dated for a while. He later learned that she was actually a talk show host, and that he had given her everlasting life, and helped her come closer to her goal of world domination.

Count Dracula at once ended it with his girlfriend, Oprah, but she had left a mark on his life. He began buying very expensive clothing, because he was "ghetto", or as ghetto as an immortal being with a castle and a high place in the aristocracy can be. He began listening to rap ( his favorite songs are "Vampire's Paradise, "Drink Back", and "Thong Song" ). He started callin' up all da hoes n' da hood, drinking malt liquors and he get all his homies to get his back. Word up

And he changed his name to Count Chocula.

He also sometimes sucks the blood out of the Kool Aid guy.

Anyway, he eventually became black. Why, do you ask? Because once you go black, you never come back.

His Arch Nemesis[edit]

Count Chocula's arch nemesis was Simon Belmont, the noted Transylvanian psychology professor ( and pioneer in the field of Quantum Sodomology ). During his early days as a cereal killer / rapist, Belmont rehabilitated him using the Devo technique, which involved whips and lots of Jerkin' Back 'N' Forth.


The Sexual Term[edit]

Count Chocula is also a sexual activity. It describes the actions of a Male/Female dropping their trousers and spreading their cheeks. Another Male/Female then pours milk into their Arse hole and precedes to suck it out with a straw ( Preferably bendy ) or a spoon. A "Count Chocula" used in a sentence: 'Dude, I totally just gave her a Count Chocula!'