Danny Carey

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Danny Carey.

The Beginning[edit]

Danny Carey was born in 1988 in Port Pirie, South Australia. He began playing the drums at the age of 31, using pots and pans from his mothers cupboard. At the age of 23, Danny formed his 1st band with his Japanese Grandfather, 'The Forplay of the Japanese Excited Farts.'

T.F.O.T.J.E.F[edit]

'The Foreplay of the Japanese Excited Farts' enjoyed moderate local success before 'Erotic Horse Records' signed them in 1985. They released their 1st album entitled 'I Once Died at a Cocktail Night.' The album featured one top 40 hit with 'If only fish were women ( i'd be in heaven ).' Sadly, the group could not release any more albums because Careys Japanese grandfather passed away shortly after the albums release. Carey didn't play drums for another 21 years.

Garforth and Sons[edit]

Carey then went on to form 'Garforth and Sons' with John White, Johnny Cash and Grease Farmer. The band released 4 albums between 1988 - 1996 before they broke up due to 'creative differences'. The country music band had 7 hit singles and became one of the most famous country acts in Nigeria.

The Psychotic Explosion of Hatred, War, Doom and Bad Things[edit]

At 23, Danny finally bought a real drumkit. It was a bass drum, a snare and a hihat. This was very limiting, so he added the feature of an electronic keyboardizer to incorporate whale sounds and also the sound of a piano falling 50 feet from a building ontop of a bird which is trying to lay eggs in a freezer of doom. 'Freezer of Doom' would later become 'The Psychotic Explosion of Hatred, War, Doom and Bad Things' debut album, and it skyrocketed to number one on the top 40 charts of Greenland, Chile and Iceboxfacehead. It was during the Summer of 1998 that Danny met Maynard James Keenan, and they formed the progressive techno band Tool.

TOOL[edit]

Although Tool ( band ) have now been around for 7 years, they are yet to completely write one full song. This is mainly due to the fact that Adam Jones wishes to add a rap/hip-hop feel to the band, while others want a techno/dance vibe, and has a tendency to try to explore every possible arrangement for this and every other song they have attempted. The other band members, especially Maynard, usually become very frustrated with Adam's approach.

Live Act[edit]

All of Danny's bands are known for their live shows. Danny once lit his face on fire while performing the song 'Help! My face isn't on fire!' In another act, the members of Garforth and Sons acheived an amazing feat. During their 39 minute masterpiece song 'I love Short Songs', Grease Farmer left the stage and began to have sexual intercourse with a groupie on stage. He then returned, only to substitute with John White who left his instrument to do the same to another groupie. He returned and swapped with Carey, who then returned swapping with Johnny Cash. Cash suffered a heart attack during his intercourse, and the song had to finish 36 seconds early.

Other[edit]

Danny is now a full-time priest of the Catholic Church. He lectures younger students about the goodness of Atheism. He is also a devoted vegetarian, who still eats steak and fish. However, he is strongly opposed to drinking alcoholic beverages due to his vegetarian nature. He believes that the stars in the sky are made from chocolate pie, in which he one day wishes to eat.


Death[edit]

Sadly, Carey passed away in his home on February 5th, 1991 at the age of 3. He died of an apparent celery overdose. Carey acheived so many musical feats in his career, and was named to the Emo-Punk Hall of Fame for his work with writing songs for emo bands such as the Chemical Brothers and Grinspoon. He is said to have influenced one of the greatest McDonalds employees of all time, Christopheros Lacos.


Rebirth[edit]

For God so loved the drumming that he gave his only be-gotten thumb, Danny Carey, so that the world may once more rock. Danny was reborn in the year 2,554, but traveled sideways through time to February 5th, 1991. Once there he forced his other self to eat a bunch of celery ... and stuff.