Democratic Republic of the Congo

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Democratic Republic of the Congo.

This article may have been censored by His Excellency, Robert Mugabe.

What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!


The Democratic Republic Of Congo, also known as "The Country Formally Known as Zaire", is a large African country located in Africa. Unlike the Republic of the Congo, the The Democratic Republic Of Congo is Democratic. It is the happiest and shiniest country on Earth. Nothing is wrong here at all.


The Democratic Republic Of Congo is ruled by President Kaalaaballaaiaa, who was elected in 2004 with a massive 96% of the popular vote. This was a very democratic election, with every male aged over 16 allowed to vote. This was only President Kaalaaballaaiaa and his brother Maallaaaiaris. The reasoning for the 96% total from two votes is the current innumeracy rate, which stands at 126%. President Kaalaaballaaiaa follows a fairly liberal policy ( for the region ) and has only executed 1300 dissidents in the past 3 months. Vice President Mallaaaiaris is in overall charge of the military, but is general loyal to his brother except for that time he tried to kill him. On November 27, 2006, he was confirmed as the first Congolese President to be democratically elected by universal direct suffrage. Direct suffrage ( or sufferage ) is the amount people in the Congo have directly suffered.

He role has been threatened by a band of animals living in the jungles of The Democratic Republic Of Congo. They insist that the lion is "King Of The Jungle" and must therefore rule the entire country. President Kaalaaballaaiaa insists that the lion can only have a ceremonial role in the government, to maintain its democratic status.


At the last census, the total population of The Democratic Republic Of Congo was counted as 3. Most international observers put this suprisingly low figure down to the aforementioned innumeracy rate. Of these three people, one was a black African male, one was a black African female and one was a lion. From these statistics, it would be estimated that 33.333% of country are male, 33.333% are female and 33.333% are lions.

One observer Mr Nelson Mandela has decreed that this cannot be correct statistics, as there are at least 5 monkeys in the jungle of The Democratic Republic Of Congo. He's seen them.


The entire of The Democratic Republic Of Congo is covered in a thick, dense jungle, usually only seen cartoons, or Tarzan. There might be hills and mountains and stuff, but no body can see because all the trees and plants get in the way.

Um Bongo AKA The Economy[edit]

The entire economy of the Democratic Republic Of Congo relies on export and resale of popular fruit based fruit drink Um Bongo. This drink, beloved of British school children, was invented by a hippo. The hippo originally just used three fruits: apricot, guava, mango. After the drink got it's name thanks to a brilliant advertising executive rhino, more ingredients were suggested by a plethora of animals. For instance the python added a passion fruit, to suit his more reptilian tastes, and the marmoset added a mandarin, to increase levels of vitamin C. The marmoset was subsequently eaten by the python. Currently all packaging for Um Bongo is painted by a team of specially trained parrots.

Recently many animal rights douchebags have been complaining about the sweatshop conditions these assorted animals are forced to work in to create this delicious drink. Luckily President Kaalaaballaaiaa had them shot before they could cause any problems, and the entire country joined in rejoicing, one commenting "HAHA LOLZ!!!11!!".


These are estimates based on satellite surviellence


  • 10000 child soldiers equipped with sticks and rocks


  • 1 boat ( possibly a cruise ship )
  • 4 hippos


  • 200 bats trained to bite people



See also[edit]

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