Doctor Who

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Doctor Who.

The Doctor[edit]

Interestingly, the show only refers to its main character as "The Doctor," except in one instance, which resulted in the responsible parties being crushed by elephants. The reasons for this are unclear, but fans of the show are known to strangle those who fuck it up with excessively large scarves, so just accept the Doctor as the Doctor, okay? It is believed by a large group of fans that his unknown first name is, in fact, Knock-Knock, and that he has taken the title Doctor in order to hide this embarrassing fact. Other fans believe it is Yuno. Regardless, everyone agrees that his first name must be either incredibly lame, uncool, pathetic or embarrassing, or a combination of all four.

The Doctor presents the programme in an unconventional indirect narrative fashion, explaining what's happening through discussion with his assistant. When the first actor to play the Doctor finally left the show to do a spoken word album, the casting director took the brave decision of replacing him with a look-alike in the hope that the audience wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the casting director was blind. Viewers have come to accept the fact that Doctor Who changes height, hair colour, build, wardrobe, gender and general physical appearance from time to time as part of the programme's charm.

The following actors have played the Doctor:

William "Hearty Bill" Shatner, in his trademark stupid hat, both created and defined the role of The Doctor.

The First Doctor: William Shatner[edit]

When the first series of Doctor Who was commissioned in the 1960s, the BBC decided to spend a huge sum of money on a high-profile celebrity to boost initial ratings. Alas, no one would touch this show with a barge pole, so they chose up-and-coming musician and writer William Shatner. Shatner portrayed the Doctor as an eccentric Englishman with a Midwest US accent and bizarre taste in hats, who travels with his beautiful young "niece," Uhura. (We'll just play along with that; we know who she really is.) Many have speculated that the character of Zap Brannigan from Futurama was based on The First Doctor. The First Doctor was axed eventually, his regeneration caused by screaming "DALEKS! so many times.

The pilot episode, "To Boldly Go", received 2,500 complaints from grammar fascists for the title alone.

Patrick "Trout" Stewart carried on the Doctor Who tradition of ridiculous headgear, in his case an oversized wig.

The Second Doctor: Patrick Stewart[edit]

Following Shatner's unexpected departure to the world of spoken word and subsequent recruitment to NBC television series Star Trek, the casting director attempted to cast a similar-looking actor as his replacement. Mistaking Patrick Stewart's outsized mop top for a silly hat, the plot device of the Doctor's "visual transmogrification" was born. Stewart's Doctor was a sterner, angrier, dancier man, portrayed as a German with an French accent. Amongst Stewart's Doctor's enemies were the cybermen, the yeti, Mary Whitehouse and some "Greek" bird from London called "The Counsellor," who whined at people until their ears bled. After stopping a Sesame Street gangwar, the Second Doctor was captured by Time Lords from Gallifrey (an unknown city in Ireland) and put on trail for badly playing a recorder. He was exiled and forced to regenerate by being put in a giant blender.

John "Pert & twee" Inman, with his famously expensive garb, added a splash of colour to the series

The Third Doctor: John Inman[edit]

Former civil servant John Inman took over as The Doctor when Patrick Stewart was poached by the Royal Shakespeare Company to play MacPicard in the film production of the Scottish Play, First Contact. Inman was an unpopular choice; especially given the plot had him stranded on Earth with a dysfunctional TARDIS, condemning the series to a load of stagnant plotlines relating to alien invasion. Luckily his assistant's constant barrage of "pussy" jokes lightened the mood somewhat. He was forced to regenerate into his fourth form when bitten by a drunken Spider-Man.

Tom "Baker's Dozen" Jones returned to the tradition of silly hats.

The Fourth Doctor: Tom Jones[edit]

When Inman gave up television for a life of pantomime, the producers decided to draft in Welsh pop idol and chest hair resource Tom Jones, in an attempt to draw a larger female audience. The ruse backfired when Jones had written in his contract that he would rewrite and sing the theme tune. The lyrics to "What's New, Doctor Who?" were thought to have been lost in the annals of history. However, they have recently been re-discovered on eBay and are being re-recorded by William Shatner for his next spoken word album, a collaboration with Cannibal Corpse. Tom regenerated when he fell of the top of the BBC prosessing tower.

Dolly "I beg your" Parton also played the part of her own assistant, which led to sore legs and shorter episodes.

The Fifth Doctor: Dolly Parton[edit]

After Tom Jones was declared "far too Welsh" by avid sci-fi nerds the world over, the producers quickly brought in brash, obnoxious oil tycoon Dolly Parton to replace him, and in turn appease the fans. Unfortunately, she didn't go down too well with the fan base, and many adults can still remember hiding behind the sofa in an attempt to get away from her shrill singing voice, which she often used in order to defeat her enemies. Dolly had to regenerate after she broke a nail.

The Sixth Doctor: The Undertaker[edit]

The Sixth Doctor, The Undertaker.

After Dolly Parton fell into a booze-induced coma while filming, the BBC wrote her out as getting stuck on the top floor of an apartment building. Fans spent weeks speculating as to who the new Who would be, and after 5 minutes alone with him in his office, and two broken ribs later, the [BC director general called upon long time friend The Undertaker to fill in the role. The wrestler's tenure as Doctor Who was marred by a marked increase in violence, most disturbingly when he threw the previous Doctor's companion Brenda down a flight of stairs following his regeneration scene. After many episodes of abusive violence towards his companions, alien friends and enemies, he regenerated when he met a girl named Mel ad commited suicide.

The 7th Doctor, Sylvester the cat, visits with relatives.

The Seventh Doctor: Sylvester the Cat[edit]

When The Undertaker eschewed his role as The Doctor in order to pursue his career as a TV chef, up and coming unknown Sylvester the Cat was drafted in to take up the role of the intrepid time-lord. Slight alterations had to be made to accommodate Sylvester, including a scratching post and a litter tray in the corner of the TARDIS, which caused outcry amongst some of the more passionate fans. Despite all this, Sylvester remained a firm fan favourite right up until his demise from being chucked into a woodchipper by the Master in episode 26.8.

Considered far too camp to continue in the role, Craig "not very good" McLachlan is widely blamed for the demise of Dr. Who

The Eighth Doctor: Craig McLachlan[edit]

After a good few years hiatus, an American television producer named Dave Yadallee was given the green light by the BBC to dust off The Doctor's bizarre hat and waistcoat, and bring him back in a one-off special in the form of ex Bugs star, Craig McLachlan. McLachlan was faced with one of the weakest enemies The Doctor would ever encounter, the Andrex Puppies, and many viewers fondly remember him climbing on top of the TARDIS and screaming, "For the love of God, please save me!" while shitting his knickers. Television would never be the same again, and as a result, Doctor Who was axed. It is not known how he regenerated, but he was theorized to have ben killed in an incident involving a Time Warrenty.

Christopher "wonder woman" Reeve was widely accepted as the best Doctor since the last one.

The Ninth Doctor: Christopher Reeve[edit]

The Doctor finally returned to our screens in early 2005, in an attempt to tempt today’s youth into becoming doctors, due to the ever growing concerns over the NHS. In a controversial move, the BBC made the Doctor bald, Northern, cheeky, gay, fascist and Catholic in a bid to appeal to a wider target audience. Thanks to expert producer R.T.D. 2, everyone enjoyed the first episode. But disaster struck when Reeve died of wheelchair of the legs in March. The story continues...----

The Tenth Doctor: David Duchovny[edit]

The 10th Doctor, played by David "Dirrrty" Duchovny, is famous for his choice in Mr. Bean outfits.

The 28th series of Doctor Who promises more of everything: Knife fights, divorce, rape, evil twins - it's got it all.

In a recent interview, Duchovny, 78, described the approach taken by the BBC in the filming of the new series as "pushing forward in a positive, emo direction". Out go the leather jackets and the shiny shoes, in come tweed jackets and Chuck Taylors. This is a smart move by the BBC, as everybody knows that The Doctor cannot possibly be considered young, hip and groovy if he doesn't look like the lead singer of popular boy band Franz Ferdinand.

As well as being accompanied by the ever faithful Nora, Lansbury cameod in the new series after a chance encounter with The Doctor during a failed police heist at The Alamo. Opera played Mammoth "Martha" Jones, a replacemement for Nora.

Both Duchonvy and Mammoth both made a guest appearance in the third series of the spin-off, Torchwood.

The 10th Doctor regenerated when Matt Smith shot him.

The Eleventh Doctor: Matt Damon (Filming in progress. BEWARE - SPOILERS)[edit]

Matt Damon in a recent image.

It has now been confirmed that the new Doctor Who is Matt Damon. Cast imminently after the resignation of executive producer R.T.D.2, Damon was a largely unpopular choice among the show's fanbase, due to him being overly gay. According to new EP Steven MacMoffat, he is currently the most camp actor to take the role, just ahead of Dolly Parton. Also highly notable is his hair. The big hair. The hair of the Time Lords. However, Damon has been proven in recent roles to be extremely chav like, a trait which will no doubt deter monsters such as the Dialects. The Doctor has been theorized to be joined by Autloc, played by Angela Lansbury, one of the Doctor's previous assistants during the Inman era.

The Twelv(f)th Doctor: Michael Jackson[edit]

a so-called "leaked image" of The Twelvfth Doctor. The death of the pop legend has resulted in these rumours being disproven, but people are still as skeptial about this as they are of area 51.

Rumours have roamed the internet about a possible future role in the series of Michael Jackson as The Doctor. Unfortunately, the death of the pop legend has resulted in these rumours being disproven, but this hasn't stopped the constant fan rumours of Jacko's corpse being pinned to the TARDIS console, and peanut butter put in his mouth to simulate the speaking of random bafflegab. In any case, various other rumoured possibilities are:

  • Pee-Wee Herman
  • Xzibit
  • Pope Francis
  • A kidney's stone
  • A Disco Bandit
  • Optimus Prime
  • The Stig
  • Some kind of primitive lemur from Madagascar
  • Dalek Fred
  • Betty White
  • T-Pain
  • Bea Arthur's reanimated corpse
  • Zombie Bob
  • Numa Numa guy