You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the NY strip steak of the sea.
Dolphins were invented by the god Dionysus in 5 B.C. during one of his all-night drinking binges ( He claims he did it because he was feeling unusually horny that night. ) Dolphins are the second smartest speices on the third planet from the star Sol; they fall just below mice and just above humans as shown by my misspelling of "species." In addition, they are manically hypersexual and will rape divers if excited, as in the movie Cocoon.
Cold-Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas
The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket. Quote: "Careful. Those dolphins look horny."
Next time you vacation to the east coast - Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.
Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp ( aka "dolphin bait" ). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king.
Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of Law. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.
Swimming With Dolphins
Quite probably the most overated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas ( which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form ). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my dog for a walk was more spiritual than this experience.
Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and thats your lot. I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as Carlisle, or even Dent.
A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to suck the precious gems out of all their tacky, tacky jewellery. Take that, mankind.
Dolphin intelligence has been massively over-rated by scientists. This is because scientists are easily tricked by sycophancy and Dolphins pander to their egos. The dolphin will constantly nod along to whatever the "scientist" says and is always ready to laugh it's annoying little laugh.
A dolphin uprising occoured in 1997, hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lazers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, lets face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.
Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.
Itshould be noted some dolphins are actually gay sharks.
George W. Bush
The entire population of Zimbabwe