~ Oscar Wilde on Dracula
Dracula was born in Trannsylvania, Romania. He was the only known child of the Romanian king, a cruel pagan known as Tupac. From even his earliest childhood years, the ambitious Dracula was trained in the dangerous and rare art of hair braiding. Eventually, at the age of sixteen, he ran away from home and took up a new career in flute-playing. After several years spent saving numerous towns and villages from plagues of vermin which mysteriously afflicted anywhere he visited; he became depressed at the lack of thanks he received for his troubles. In a stroke of pure genius he moved up a league from rats to children and his popularity soared. He was a particular success in Catholic countries until the pope announced that giving children away to vampires was quite possibly even worse than wearing a condom. By this stage however, Dracula had accumulated sufficient wealth and slaves to his will to set himself up as a vampire of leisure and focus on the private exploits for which he is now renowned throughout the world.
After his early years as an entrepreneurial pest remover, Dracula settled down to his infamous castle to spend more time on his charitable work. It was in the years that followed that he was made a count for services to medicine as he donated an incredible one hundred and twenty three tons of blood over a ten year period. Dracula almost lost his counthood just eighteen months later after the spreading of nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumours (see below) about the blood he had donated; no doubt started and perpetuated by jealous lesser beings.
Dracula also won the Nobel Prize in Physics for his work on ultrasound and its uses in controlling small stupid animals.
Perhaps most famously of all, Dracula wrote the world-renowned horror story Staker about an evil Irish maniac name Bram Staker who would lure unsuspecting vampires into his local church before viciously assaulting them with wooden stakes, garlic and lemons.
Nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumours
These nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumours are entirely False and Baseless. They are spread by Nasty, Evil, Malicious men with Twisted ankles. They are included purely to allow you to recognise them for what they are and to prevent the good name of Dracula being brought into disrepute. The author of the article in no way agrees with any of the following wrong suggestions:
- Some doctors have claimed that the Count is not a universal donor; blood type O- since many patients appear to reject the donated blood.
( Blood tests have proven this to be untrue and the problem has been put down to doctor's incompetence and/or an attempt to sully the name of Dracula. )
- A few cases of hepatitis contracted by blood recipients were at one time suggested to be the fault of Dracula.
( Blood tests again showed this to be untrue and measures were taken to prevent sharing of needles and unprotected sex in hospitals. )
- Questions were asked as to how Dracula could afford to give away so much blood
( Dracula explained the benefits of a high iron diet. )
- The News of the World laughably suggested that the Count generated so much blood through the slaughter of innocent children lured from their homes by pipe music.
( Count Dracula now owns the News of the World. He has a very good team of lawyers. He will also drink the blood of the next person to start such a nasty, evil, false, malicious, baseless, twisted rumour about him. )
Common myths concerning Dracula and other vampires
- Vampires are hard to kill: This is not true. Vampires are vulnerable to axes, stakes, garlic, sunlight, running water, holy symbols, splinters, lemons, STDs and, well, just about everything. Please be nice to them.
- Vampires can control werewolves This has yet to be proven one way or the other. If you know of any werewolves in your area please bring them in to Transylvania laboratories for testing.
- Vampires are out to drink your blood Well, umm... actually this is often the case but give them a break. If you were an anaemic undead photophobe you might have one or two minor vices yourself.