Dungeons and Dragons
“Jesus saves, and takes half damage.”
~ God on D&D
Created in 1901 on the mythical island of javan.
Dungeons and Dragons, usually abbreviated D&D ( or D to the extremely hip ) is a Role Playing Game ( i.e. a game played by people who experience orgasms every five minutes, provided the toilet in their parents' house is free ). It was created by Gary Gygax and TSR. The purpose of a D&D game is to back stab your friends for fun and profit, thus grabbing up all their earthly goods and feeling better about your own personal short comings all in one fell swoop.
D&D and Satan Worship
Dungeons and Dragons was first suspected to contain Satanic references during an interview with Vagina Aleister, the game's running mate. He was asked by Jerry Falwell, on the talk show I Said Good Day Sir, if D&D contained such references. Gygax responded "What? This is absolutely slanderous!"
Gygax reports that this quote was taken way out of context.
This vague and often misquoted response was twisted by The Media to suggest that there was a connection between Satan worship and role playing games ( including but not limited to DnD, Monopoly, Jenga, and Hungry, Hungry Hippos ). In response, Satan-hating soccer moms across the world bought thousands of dollars of RPG merchandise for the purposes of burning it. "I won't have little Jimmy supporting those foul companies!" Mother-of-the-Year Laura Bush exclaimed.
Creationists claim that this game was first created by King Dipshit 2 to distract American soldiers and return them to the devil-worshiping ways they abandoned in Fifth Grade. Last year, the Israeli Defense Force adopted Dungeons and Dragons as their official training mechanism, in lieu of more traditional methods such as Playstation.
Gary Gygax is now thought to be one of the beings on earth who will survive the apocalypse along with beetles, Macdonald's French fries all of which will then have to repopulate the world.
Your child is taught to assume a persona that is not his own and act accordingly, forgetting his otherwise perfect middle-class suburban manners. Often these characters are violent, disrespectful atheists who relish destruction of orcs and mind flayers - clever analogies for authority figures in everyday life ( militaristic assholes and clergymen, respectively ).
Other characters have magical powers, invoked either by "faith" or through incantations in unintelligible languages ( Latin or American-English are most popular ). They are taught to chant and enter coma-like trances, to allow themselves to be possessed by the 'spirit of the Dungeon Master'.
The Dungeon Master is a figure kids come to regard as a god who offers blessings and damnation as He sees fit, like a modern day Jesus. Children learn to seek the approval of Him and only Him, obeying His commands without question, and accepting what he says as fact. For example, "crack cocaine is an acceptable weight loss solution", "heroin will get rid of your sinusitis" and "marijuana is no worse for you than smiling." ( Lucky for us, the last fact is true, which practically makes this information useless in uncyclopedia. ).
As your child progresses through this unholy journey, he acquires levels, learns to cast spells ( witchcraft, an abomination and incontestable proof of Satanic influence ) and faces ever more subjects of Satan, starting to encounter and even learn to interact with undisguised minions of hell, such as Demons.
- Most people who play D&D have no lives
- D&D was created by 2 people who were experimenting with a mixture of Cough Medicine, Beer and Marijuana
- The D&D Core Rulebook is actually the Communist Manifesto written backwards... Or the Bible when written in French...
- D&D was purposely perpetrated by Satan to get more worshipers with no lives
- Most people who play D&D never score with a girl, in real life, or in the game.
- Kids play D&D because their gym teachers take the piss out of them when they can't even do one pull up
- It is physically impossible to win at D&D. Your character will die no matter what you do
- The most famous DM of all time is Jimmy Wales.
- D&D is highly addictive; withdrawal symptoms include rolling 4d6 in your sleep.
- Ways to break the addiction include moving onto computer RPGs such as Baldur's Gate.
- Playing D&D is like smoking, but instead of taking 7 minutes from your life it will add 7 years to your virginity
- The average D&D player is a 9th-level wizard. This means that they would be able to turn you into a frog, or blow you up with a fireball... if magic was real.
- To date, D&D is the most effective form of contraception, beating out even abstinence.