General information on Dwarves
Dwarves are funny. They are generally short and stout and like to drink lots of beer. And have lots of beard. A dwarf without a beard is called a Midget. Dwarves, otherwise known as "Tree Killing Crack Midgets" by some liberal political groups, have been living in secrecy among us for years. While shorter and fatter than most Western cultures, the dwarves find it eaiser to hide amoung the people of America, since we all look like that anyway. Among the few captured and known dwarves are:
- Aaron Carter
- Mel Gibson
- Papa Smurf
- Toby Maguire
- Asia Minor
- Colin Miller
- And other assorted flavors.
The most famous known dwarf is of course, Gimli. However, due to the recent "Gimli Ate my Nose" Micheal Jackson scandal, he is currently serving 20-25 years in the Red Onion Federal Prison.
Gimli vs. Jackson
Early in the 1970's, Micheal Jackson made a claim against a dwarf named Gimli. Gimli was a previously unknown, but soon to be a hugly well-known, public figure and cake maker. Jackson claimed that Gimli, during a drunken bar brawl, had taken a pair of pliers and torn off Micheal Jackson's nose. He then dipped it in Queso Dip and swallowed it whole. In what would become known as the "Gimli Tore off my Nose with Pliers and then Ate it Scandal", Jackson sued for $4,000,000 and 3 small children.
Gimli hired Mr. Bilbo Baggins, a little-known partner in a New York law firm. The majority of the public believed that Gimli was innocent, and that Jackson had instead gambled his nose away at the craps table in Atlantic city. Gimli's father, Gloin, was called to the witness stand. Gloin stated that in his youth, Gimli was known to strip himself naked, smear himself in green jello, and run around the yard singing "Mary had a Little Lamb". This testimony was the deciding factor in deciding Gimli's fate.
The jury declared Gimli not guilty, and granted his countersuit against Jackson for 3 bags of tomatoes and a lemon. Unfortunately, Gimli misunderstood "Not Guilty" for the dwarvish insult "Your mother wears makeup". Gimli and his Father Gloin jumped upon the table, swiped the Baliff's AK-47 ( Arctic Kitten ) rifle, and incinerated the judge, the jury, and a flock of pidgeons perched outside before they were stopped. Biblo immediately vanished, but has been seen in gay bars with Legolas. Since all witnesses were considered unable to move any part of their body by the FIB ( Federal Incineration Bureau ), all ruling were considered null. Micheal Jackson, however, won his lawsuit for 3 small children 16 years later. This has fueled many controversies to date.
Gimli was brought up on criminal charges and sentenced to 20-25 years in a Federal Prison. his Father, Gloin, has been seen in British Columbia, driving recklessly through towns in a White Chevy.
The most frightening dwarves of all time is indisputedly the rare and extremely frightening Snappa Dwarves. Also known as "Dwarfs," this species of dwarves is known to be vicious and very competent in the art of criminal liberation.
The most infamous of these dwarves is Snappa Sam, who has been recently accused of helping the diabolical Martha Stewart evade further charges, including avoiding custody, and violation of the First Commandment ( Thou Shalt Not Steal St0f pl0x ).
More recently he has been spotted in the vicinity of many Oak trees, causing ditress among the general public. People in southern Delaware have reported the slaying of many Willow trees in the last fortnight, many think the Snapprophecy is unfolding. A dozen dark and seemingly dull times lie ahead.
Snappa Dwarves are generally taller, skinnier and less homosexual than most dwarves. Most of the Snappas live in the States and Amish societies, including Middle Earth and Tibet. Poland and Prussia also have an abundance of Snappa Dwarves. They often live for 769.872 fortnights ( Aproximately 245 years ). It is currently being widely investigated if Snappas suffer the steep learning curves of other MMORPGs, although the inquiry is yet to be proven.
Despite all the wrong-doings of Snappas, one very helpful Snappa exists. He has helped incriminate many dangerous celebreties. He is working on capturing M-J at the present time. Many beleive his name is TEH Snappa!!!!1!! Teh Snappa lives in Canada, but helps everyone EH!