Eli Whitney

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eli Whitney.



In the year 1606 man began to take his first awkward steps into existence. At the helm of this evoloutionary movement was Eli Whitney.

Is Eli Whitney an inventor or madman?!?![edit]

Eli Whitney's parents were Monica Lewinsky and a kodiak bear. Both of them loved Eli very much and yet at times Eli showed EVIL tendencies like when he tried to kill his neighbors or that time he was caught watching oprah. Eventually the high elder tribunal of chicago was forced to banish him to the nether realm where the evil demon Cthulu taught him how to separate the seeds in cotton from the cotton.

the evil demon Cthulu often took a mortal guise

Eventually Eli Whitney escaped the nether realm through the mystic elevator of Satan. It has recently come to light that "Eli Whitney" is also a name used by Steve Jobs in order to invent things without public scrutiny.

The Four-Click Patent[edit]

Whitney shocked the world with his invention of the four-click patent. This device allowed consumers to authorize online purchases in only four mouse clicks. The four-click revolutionized e-commerce; where Internet shoppers had previously been required to complete seven, eight, or even nine laborious clicks to make a purchase, shopping experiences were greatly improved.

The four-click remained the gold standard in clicking technology until Charles Babbage proved in 1861 that a three-click patent was theoretically possible, and an implementation soon followed. At this point researchers widely believed that no smaller number of clicks could ever be found, and work in the area stagnated. Technology reached a breakthrough in 1997, however, when Amazon developed the remarkable one-click patent, making a purchase possible in only one click. Amazon's innovation was hailed as the most remarkable since Whitney's. Today, the company continues to research even more efficient methods of online shopping. In 2001, the Amazon site began testing a new technology that would move the mouse and initiate the click on customers' behalf. Rumors of a forthcoming zero-click patent, in which buyers would not even need to visit the site, remain unconfirmed.ik8jujh76ub6u7jmygerfg

Eli Whitney's Assassination[edit]

Many Historians debate that if it wasn't for the assassination of Eli Whitney, WWI would have never started. Due to his evil rain over The Great Cotton Belt, Eli Whitney became very unpopular in his home country of Caucasia, where he ruled from 1616 until his assassination in 1812.