“Boobs are hawt!!!”
~ Elton John on Boobies
“No wait... No they're not...”
~ Elton John on Boobies
The love-child of opus dei and an owl, Elfen "Glasses" John, ( who famously led the crusade Army vs. the French at the Battle of troy ), has been one of the world's foremost golfers, cyberneticists, longshoremen and biologist since his discovery in 1872. He is also famous for having invented the meaning of the word "planet" in 1875 and Ballpoint Penis in 1876. He recently spoke out against Australian Prime Minister John Howard for not allowing gay marriage in Australia. However John Howard responded saying I'm not going to let that pooftertry to change any of my laws. He then sensationally went and said that homosexuality was wrong and that all people who take it up the chocolate esculator should be imprisoned for life. At this point the Australian crowd went wild and started burning a dummy with the name Elfen John on it. Elfen John then fucked off deservedly with his cock player David Furnish. FUCKING POOFTER!!!! Born "Tur'key T'oot" to a family of AvianFlunauts, Elfen changed his name to avoid the zha bo scandals of the 1950s. While attending the i love quio bu University , he took the required HomoPHD studies courses and decided that to rule the world with gals and mascara. Shortly afterward, he became the 29th EMPEROR OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE and is still currently the emperor. His famous feud with papcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher was the big storm of 3046, and many suspect one of the two to be behind the assassination of J.R. Ewing in Dallas that year as he refused to wear lacy panties.
He "stabbed" Bruce Lee without shedding sweat ( Phil Spector made a bigger stab at him ), producing such timeworn classics as "stab me twice", "Don't Let My brain Squach U", "Hold Me Closer Tiger Woods", and "Squeeze Me ( fake ) Boooooobs". He was hooked up to computer games in 1601, where his blood and sweat are processed into brain cells making him better at majong every second ]].He shocked the music industry by contributing to a song called "eat Faggots" by raper Tupac in [2005 and appearing at Live Aid dressed as a man .He also called a member of the ministry of health to take drugs & get SARS The name comes from two different parts; Elfen, after Elfen dionne, and John after the pimp he met Johnny English in the London Toilet ( beating his long standing gay ) rival Wham bam -man Georgie Mikeell.
In 1972 he discovered that he could actually bugger a man to death. Seeing that he could use this gift for the greater good of mankind he promptly volunteered his services to the Hague. He has been happily employed ever since! In 1978 Lesbians declared war on Elfen John Millions have died and the conflict is still unresolved Elfen is famous for his wild Cock & hot antics - in fact, he is so wild( e ) and so Cock & Ball that his wife is actually a man!
Lifelong collaborator Dr. Lazarus Lizard ghost wrote all the pillow fights, battle plans and lyrics to his love songs. Elfen, along with Butch Cassidy, Celine Dion, are extremely popular among frat boys at Ole Miss and its music is played in gondola's and toilets all over the world.
Elfen John has a plot to take over Textile world. He is assisted by his partner, David Soft-Furnishings and is an outspoken defender of human rights for former members of Van Halen, including and not limited to Frank Sinatra, Freddie Mercury, Liza Mannily, Don Juanson, Wizard of Oz and Donald Trump. He donated a wig and corset to Hillary Clinto's senate campaign and also vowed to out the senators who did not vote for her. Hillary made him the campaign manager and said he was a true gentleman who never wud cheat on her with another woman. Howver a few days later he got fired as she found him with her male intern smoking a cigar. Ever eager to enter US politics due to the huge non-straight vote, Elfen famously declared 'I have a dream... about Arnold Arnold Sssssccchhhhwwaaaaarrrrzenegger butt naked but since Arnie has a history of violence against women, Elfen feels a bit scared to meet him in the bluff. Elfen had to declare himself bankrupt last year after spending loads of money on surgery to make his smile 300cm long. It's now said to out shine the sun when he removes his wig and shows he pate.
Elfen John is currently in negotiations to become the next James Bond 00666. In the late 1990's, he was in a contest to see who would become Agent 69, but he lost the race to Austin Powers as he was too short for Beyonce.
Elfen John is the Gay AntiChrist - Ozzy Osborne is its bigboybitch - they have love child twins-Jerry Springer and Dolly Parton. Elfen was shot by bolt last year by Sharon Osborne but the bullet back fired and shot Sharon between the legs so she no longer looks constantly surprised about her family and his sexlife.
Elfen now lives in the kingdom of xcamelolt, where he is known as ye King of ye big stRRY PINKE GLsses with his Dolly Parton wigs. In Greece, Elfen is known as "His Majesty the Archbishop of France and All Greece, Elton John", and is the gay country's head of state, David brings up the rear as mistress of home. Images of their willys are placed every kilometer along the yellow brick rode.
Elfen John is currently living in a platonic, loveless, sham gay marriage so he can retain the image that he's gay and fat and bald to sell records to gay fat bald men all over the world. If the secret that Elfen John was straight came out, the entire population of San Francisco’s Castro District would commit suicide from the shock and disbelief. WARNING: You should not have just read that if you live in San Francisco's Castro District, which is going to be given to Cuba in exchange for cigars for Bill Clinton to smoke when Monica is away.
- "The Just Suck It Hard Album" ( 512 B.C. )
- "The Really Really Gay Album" ( 1337 )
- "The Debut Album: Coming out" ( 1969 )
- "Back In the Closet" ( 1969 )
- "Elfen John" ( 1970 )
- "Elfen John II( I ): Swings both ways" ( 1970 )
- "The First of 4 1971 Albums" ( 1971 )
- "The Second of 4 1971 Albums" ( 1971 )
- "The Third of 4 1971 Albums" ( 1971 )
- "The Fourth of 4 1971 Albums" ( 1974 )
- "Captain Fagtastic & The Brown Stained Cowboys" ( 1975 )
- "Guess What, He's Trisexual!" ( 1976 )
- "Humold the Shakra-thon - Tales from Graphological Esturies" ( 1977 )
- "Chuck Berry" ( 1979 )
- "I'm Really Sorry About The Last Record" ( 1980 )
- "I'm Not Even Trying Anymore" ( 1982 )
- "Dont shoot him Guess What, He's Gay! " ( 1986 )
- "I love Death by Buggery" ( 1988 )
- "The Lying Queen" ( 1994 )
- "Elfen John III(II)" ( 1996 )
- "You're a princess? HAHA! IM a QUEEN!" ( 2005 )
- "Death Wish 6: Bronson's Back, Baby" soundtrack ( 2006 )
- "Elfen John Gets Drunk on Cosmopolitans, wears Carries clothes and Sits Down at the Piano To Record Another Album Because He's Desperate For Sperm" album, ( 2007 )
- "Elfen John Sings the Char Kwey tao Classics[with no coccles]", ( 2007 )
- "Elfen John Plays the Piano With His Buttcheeks Because His Fans Will Buy Anything" live album ( 2009 )
- "I am a raging homosexual" live album ( 2010 )
- "Frostbitten Anus: The Post Cryogenic Freezing Playing Piano With His padded Buttcheeks Reunion Tour Album" ( 12930 )
- "shirt lifter" single for live 8
- "I snuffed a kitten with my boyfriend" Album
- Tribute Songs for future Queens
- I R Teh Ghey ( 1969 )